Let's say, you finally get to taking out the trash but you have the habit of procrastinating taking it outside to your dumpster, so you usually just set it by the garage door and tell yourself you'll do that part later. You also usually forget about it until your significant other gets onto you because it pisses them off. Fair enough. However, they are aware that you are finally on the path to finding out if you in fact have and had ADHD the whole time/life. They then get pissed about a trash bag you completely forgot about and scold you saying, "I don't think that's what you have, that's just being lazy, I've told you many times not to do that but you keep doing it." Well, now you are left filled with anxiety, self doubt, literally stupid, and you completely shut down (like you always do when things like that happen). Now wondering if you really are just lazy and there is no point in setting up the appointment to get evaluated/help.
Like, wth is wrong with me? Is this even normal? IDK. I don't even know why I do some of the things I do. I just don't know anymore.
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Bellatrix2020
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It sounds very typical for someone who’s lived a long time with undiagnosed ADHD and internalized a great deal of shame, and whose partner doesn’t understand ADHD. Definitely make the appointment and in the meantime, pick up a copy of “Delivered from Distraction” by Hallowell and Ratey; check out How to ADHD on YouTube; and read articles on ADDitudemagazine.com. Share whatever resonates with your fiancé. You might start with this one: psychologytoday.com/us/blog...
Thanks! I feel like neither one of us understands it fully but I am starting to understand it more from learning about it because for once it helps me to make sense of "me" for so many years.
It’s a process for sure. I was only diagnosed a couple of years ago and am always learning new ways it impacts me and my kids. You may want to check out the ADHD Women’s Palooza, which is happening this week. Lots of good info, all free. Here’s the link: adhdpalooza.com/women/
You sound completely normal to me (diagnosed finally in August of 2020 with ADD at age 60 and began taking adderall). You are not lazy and Birdwatcher19 is correct. Make that appointment and go. If someone other than my daughter watched me on a typical day (she also has ADD), they would think I was nuts. I start to prepare a cup of coffee, then have to clean up a mess from the dog, then I remember my medicine, then I feed the cat, feed the dog, forget why I went into my bedroom and leave, go to the kitchen, see my coffee, go back to my room because I remember my medicine, put it in my pocket because I don't have a drink, make my bed, go back to the kitchen, add creamer to my coffee, go wash my face and brush my teeth, back to the kitchen to find a glass to take my medicine, put my coffee in the microwave because it's cold now.....
Lol I can totally relate. I have had to microwave my coffee a couple times, many times due to getting sidetracked with other things that I don't even really finish doing because I end up remembering, "oh i need to vacuum too...i'll go do that..." - hours later...doesn't look like I cleaned for crap yet feels like I did so much and am burned out.
Hahaha, I can so relate to all this. In fact I started to email my Dr., saw I had a few posts from this sight and here I am. I too was diagnosed last year at 65. It sure explains a lot doesn't it. Procrastination is anyone with ADHD middle name. And some of it really isn't procrastination, it's simply forgetting. It's all part of the fun facts of ADHD. I am raising my 2 grandkids who also have ADHD and I'm surprised we get anything done during the day. It makes them getting their school work done a nightmare. I agree with everyone who has encourged you to learn more about what's "normal". If your significant other is willing to learn also that sure would be helpful you both and would help with the tension in you home.
Sounds like a normal ADHD marriage to me. You forgetting things you totally intend to do and your spouse having to live with you. You are both in difficult situations! I feel like there are a lot of people here that perpetuate the idea that the non ADHD spouse should be more compassionate and learn more and give the ADHD spouse a break or try to remind them more and set timers and....... babysit them! I find myself getting more and more skeptical of this advice. The last thing any of us with ADHD need is more excuses. We are the masters of excuses. Hahahaha. Non ADHD spouses have likely had an EXTREMELY difficult few years and have finally hit a breaking point. They very likely could be dealing with their own mental health issues, in part, caused by struggling to deal with the life they find themselves in. The non ADHD spouse needs compassion too. They need help too.
The best thing you can do for your spouse to help them IS HELP YOURSELF! Go! Go get diagnosed! Go get medication! You can do it! Your spouse NEEDS you to do it! They’re overwhelmed! They’ve turned mean. Resentful. Doubtful of their life. Angry. Who knows what else. They need relief. They need a break. They need to get it together. You can lighten their load. You can! Help your spouse! It’s not just about you anymore. You have the power to change their life. You just need to help yourself. You can do it!
Don't let your partner's observations drag you down. Yes, you have ADD--no doubt! But you might remind yourself that you also have many good qualities, and ADD does make you interesting! And you are not alone ... so many of us in this group can identify so well with what you are going through! I also recommend Hallowell's books. I think the most important "tip" I learned was the OHIO rule: Only Handle It Once. This tip was meant for handling mail, but I find it works for just about everything. But I have to remind myself of it all the time. Example: I say the chore (Take out the trash) out loud: "Take out the trash!" Then, with trash in hand, I repeat out loud: TAKE OUT THE TRASH; then I walk to the door, repeating TAKE OUT THE TRASH, TAKE OUT THE TRASH. Once I've put it outside, I pat myself on the back and say: YAY! I TOOK OUT THE TRASH!!! The talking out loud keeps me focused. Sounds ridiculous, but it helps!
Good luck! You are doing fine--cut yourself some slack!!! We're all here if you need some positive reinforcement!!!
PS: Remind your partner he is lucky to have you!!! (He IS!)
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