Losing hope. Need help.

[pattaylors]

Is there hope for a 57 year old man with ADHD who has not held a job in 18 years? I have tried to be a loving, supportive and understanding wife and not to pressure him, but we seem to be getting deeper in despair everyday.

[witherrae]

Absolutely. He has to be committed to trying to better himself though. Therapy and medication together have proven to be incredibly helpful in most adults. I'm sure there are tons of other approaches if he wants to go a more natural route. Having problems with executive functioning is hard but it is possible for him to make life easier for himself. And remember to take care of yourself too. It can be a lot of work to support someone with any mental disorder and your personal mental health is important as well. Good luck!

[KTUK]

That’s a really hard situation for both of you and there’s no easy answer of course however I struggled with finding jobs and sticking with them and over time those disappointments built up and caused worsening self-esteem which of course badly effected my mood, anxiety and only made it harder to find a job. Like a lot of ppl with ADHD, I dream BIG, yet I don’t have the skills nor patience to reach the goals that I set before I give up. I felt more and more left behind, useless, stopped looking after myself etc. and it was a vicious cycle causing so much pain and worry for my family and myself, not to mention financial stress. But then I decided to take one last shot to do anything I could to break the pattern. With my husbands support, I changed my diet (no carbs in the day, no alcohol and almost no processed foods/drink), I started light exercise twice a day, EVERY day, I took loads of extra vitamins, I meditated to get to sleep and I completed three life admin/household chores each day, gradually working through my massive To Do list. My husband would praise me but also I started to practise praising myself and that worked so well in boosting my confidence and motivating me after set backs. But what really helped the most was working on understanding that my ADHD brain is not my fault and there are limits to what I can control but if I got the basics right then it would give me the best chance of getting closer to the life I wanted. It took a few weeks and lots of adjustment but once I felt better physically, it was actually the time I spent on the harder emotional stuff - practising CBT and most importantly, reading The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris and following the techniques, not looking back at the past but living in the present - which made the most difference. I would highly recommend that book for great techniques for managing emotions about searching for work and coping strategies in the workplace. There’s no way one of being, or one dream job, but I just had stick at something and lower my expectations and stop comparing myself to anyone else. By accepting that, I took the pressure off myself and found a job within a few weeks. It’s not an amazing job, it’s part time, low paid, quite interesting and all I have to do is stay healthy, look after myself and show up. I don’t have to get promoted and I don’t have to be perfect. I make mistakes at work and I own it, apologise, move on. I don’t fall into the trap of ruminating about the mistake, making more of them, having emotional outbursts and then quitting. My husband supported my by sort of coaching me through this process, telling me that it’s literally just a job, it’s not a crushed dream or unfulfilled potential - that was my ADHD brain making me think that, it’s not the reality. He literally doesn’t care what job I do - the pressure was all in my head. And now I save my big dreaming and dopamine rushes for outside of work, like redesigning my allotment, making a mosaic or planning a trip. I’m recently started medication for the first time and that has further improved my life but medication alone would not have been enough. Anyway, sorry for the long post but to sum up:

A job is just a job sometimes and that’s okay. Remind your husband of that and I think it could really help to get him started.

[Awuamarine in reply to KTUK]

Very helpful information ! Thank you !

[pattaylors in reply to KTUK]

Wow thank you so much for sharing your story. I know so many people with ADHD go through the same things, but he beats himself up so much. I will definitely have him try the things you recommended here. It sounds like you have a supportive husband and I wish you all the best. God Bless!

[lodopo]

What are his symptoms? Why is he losing his job?