Anger at adults: Is anyone ever angry... - CHADD's Adult ADH...

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Anger at adults

Han1997
Han1997

Is anyone ever angry at the adults that you had in your life that never saw your signs of ADD as a child? I am a girl, which means there has been less research into outward presenting symptoms of ADD until recently. Since learning about my ADD, I can't help but feel kind of betrayed that know one noticed and that people just decided it was just my "quirks".

I know it all sounds irrational and when I was younger, there wasn't as much common knowledge about ADD in girls. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and the adults I had in my life. It's just upsetting to me that no one saw. No one thought to question why I was so smart but never got good grades, why sometimes I couldn't comprehend what was asked of me, or why I was so forgetful all the time.

I feel like I was maybe unintentionally crying out for help without knowing I was when I was young and was brushed off because they just chalked it up to me not caring. It makes me feel like I could have had a better childhood had I known. Maybe I would have had better strategies to handle my symptoms and maybe that would have helped me with my schoolwork which suffered poorly because of them. Maybe now I would have better strategies and I would be farther along in learning how to handle all this had I known earlier.

Does anyone who was diagnosed as an adult understand what I mean? Do you feel the same way?

49 Replies

I'm so freaking mad about it still! I just got diagnosed last year at 30 and I can't help but think about all the money I wasted with my 4 different college attempts. And don't get me started on my parents, I got a C in chemistry because I got bored halfway through the semester and quit trying and they grounded me for an entire summer. A C isn't even that bad I still passed. I had no control over my emotions when I was younger, I felt so much all the time and was constantly getting in trouble for crying or being angry. Guess who has problems with emotional self regulation mom, people with ADHD!Also the male doctor who tested me first last year said I was the smartest person he ever tested, (thanks doc, also most of the people in my city drop out of high school so it wasn't hard,) and because of that couldn't have ADHD even though my processing speed was slower and all the other tests concluded that I had it.

Now that I've been out of school for so long I forgot all the little ways I used to deal with my forgetfulness and distraction and whatnot. I'm definitely struggling with ways to cope with it as an adult and my therapy has been directed towards other issues so I haven't done much work there.

But it is really satisfying to tell people I have a neurological disorder that affects my ability to pay attention to their boring story. I've decided that I'll use that as an excuse for at least half as long as I went undiagnosed.

Lorrella
Lorrella in reply to witherrae

Oh witherrae! I so understand your anger. I want to encourage you by telling you that I'm 60! 😥 and can feel intense sadness over the mistakes, hardships, non support in my life. I completely forget that I can get help. Now, I'm back in a place where I've remembered that I can get help and I'm hoping to stick with it = all of you, so that I can "wake up" again. Feel your feelings, I'm so glad you're here in our special community at "only" 30 years old. Let's get in the middle of this community and LIVE!

witherrae
witherrae in reply to Lorrella

I'm so grateful I found this site. It's only been a few days but it's already helped me so much to be able to talk to people who can relate.

"I completely forget that I can get help". How I feel this sentence. Really? Help exists? Isn't it like unicorns?

Han1997
Han1997 in reply to witherrae

It's amazing to me how hard it is to diagnose ADHD in girls. It seems ridiculous at this point that stuff like what happened to you is still happening so frequently. Your comment about forgetting your coping habits now that you are out of school really rings true for me as well. I feel like since being out of school I have gotten so much worse. I feel like my comprehension, my attention span, my motivation, and my own social and professional output has been hindered. I feel like I took ten steps backwards. I feel like I get worse by the day and its upsetting.

witherrae
witherrae in reply to Han1997

Me too. I have Kindle Unlimited so I'm currently downloading a bunch of free books on ADHD through that and my library. I figured it can't hurt to try to learn some new techniques. I usually look online but it seems like they all say the same thing. My biggest problem is actually remembering everything I learned when it comes time to use it.

Oh god, I am in college still and I feel like I am barely gonna make it to graduation. To hear that things might get WORSE is really discouraging. We ADHD’rs never get a break :(

I don't want to say everyone's experience is the same as Witherae and I's experiences with it, so don't put those fears in your head right now. You never know what could happen! I will say though that you should take note of what works for you to keep your focus.

Try to keep some sort of record of what works for you right now while you're in school. I don't remember how I managed through college, but I also was very unconscious to my ADD at this point in my life and just kind of floated through everything. I don't even really remember a lot of college (and that's not because of any partying). I have always been the type in school to barely pass, I barely graduated because of procrastination and my disassociation. What I did remember is that having structure and responsibilities kept me from just sitting in bed and avoiding life.

My thing was going to the quiet section of the library where there was no windows and nothing but the work in front of me. The other is separating my studies into literal 10 minute sessions at a time with a ten minute day dream/ stretch break in between.

After college, I can't tell you much because I haven't been out of school very long. What I do know is that I am trying my best to exercise my brain and keep structure as much as I can. I've created habits and routines I still try to read books that interest me that are more or less "scholarly" all be it at a very slow pace. But it's something nonetheless.

It's especially hard for me because I work from home and I live alone. I am trying my best to quarantine for covid reasons, so a lot of my structure has been diminished which feels like its the root of why I feel like my ADD has gotten a little out of hand. It really is a case by case situation and I feel like although we have similarities, we are not all going to experience the exact same things in the same way. So don't fret about after college yet. Tackle that issue when and if it arises.

I find reading to be a good attention exercise, it just gets a bit of convincing for my brain to trust it won't be boring or heavy. Absolutely pick something you like, if there's any chance that you may like reading, convince your brain! You'll have fun

Yes, I know what you mean. In my case my mom and dad had/have mental health problems as well. It has been hard to look back at my parents and realize that they were young people and a little boy and a little girl too at one point. Then they became parents and did the best they could. I was their third child and they always told me they never planned on having a third child - at least my mom does. I've asked her to stop telling me that. So i was a bit neglected. I spent a lot of time alone as a child.So now I am doing the inner child work, and trying to love my inner child; it's helped a lot. I am also doing what is called, mirror work - basically I bombarde myself with LOVE. I go back and take care of me as a child and talk my younger little boy about why I was feeling so alone and scared and worried. It has helped me, maybe it would help you - I hope so.

I think we accumulate bad experiences with adhd/add and reflect on them a lot. I am trying to change my focus from the bad stuff - and do the good stuff like loving my inner child and loving me. I am trying to accept myself.

Han1997
Han1997 in reply to lodopo

I love that you're doing inner child work like that. I think this is definitely something that I need to work on as well. I completely agree with you that we rack up a long list of how ADD has hindered us. I know personally for me as I am going through this, I have had these flashbacks to memories I had completely forgotten about until now. I am remembering things that happened that were obviously ADD related, but I just didn't know at the time. It's all about processing and I personally believe that the stages of grief come into play with this as well. I am in a very early stage of coming to terms with all of this. It helps me to hear other people's stories like yours of how you are managing and what your outlook on all of this is. So thank you.

Tallieb3
Tallieb3 in reply to lodopo

I can so relate, I would love to hear more about the work you are doing. I carry so much from my crappy childhood still at 40. It’s like I can’t remember my keys 90% of the time but those days are burnt in my brain.

Yes! The teachers told my mother that I was "bright, but talked too much." Also, why didn't they help me with math?! I went to a Catholic school, wouldn't that be a Christian thing to do?

Han1997
Han1997 in reply to Lorrella

My teachers always told me that I just needed to try harder. It was so confusing and frustrating to me because I truly thought that I WAS trying hard.

The_wOnderer
The_wOnderer in reply to Han1997

Yes . This. I honestly, honestly thought I was putting my heart and soul into trying SO HARD to be a better child, daughter, friend, scholar, classmate, granddaughter, worker (yes, this too as a child)... but apparently not hard enough. Apparently I wasn't. Apparently I couldn't trust myself. I wasn't even in control of my intentions. That's how I started being delusional about WHAT controlled my intentions, if not me, what monster was apparently hurting and ruining everyone I cared for, through me

Loribird52
Loribird52 in reply to Lorrella

Oh Please!!! Catholic school...those nuns!!!! They had more problems than we did, Lorella!

I totally get what you saying but we have to have gratitude about getting it fixed now. If we dwell, we are leading back to when we didn’t know. I hope you can set some boundaries which we need with adhd. I felt like I got screwed with life but hey, I can’t complain anymore. I don’t want that negative thought, matter in fact any negative thought. I hope you figure it out. I am still trying. It’s a fight everyday, every moment.

Han1997
Han1997 in reply to JW621

I think you are very right about setting boundaries. I feel like I have become overwhelmed with the amount of self discovery and it has turned into showing a lot of negatives that I have had in my life. I know I need to focus on the positive as well.

Lorrella
Lorrella in reply to JW621

Absolutely, gratitude is a big help. However, sometimes we need to talk about what happened 🙂

The_wOnderer
The_wOnderer in reply to JW621

Yeah, settings boundaries, understanding and loving ourselves, letting go of what can not be undone. But looking back has helped me even right now. I can see where I was, compare it with where I am now, and KNOW this is the right path, and that I know it better than anyone else, and screw anyone that thinks otherwise and tries to put me down, they don't know where the f**** I started. You can trust yourselves ❤️

I’m struggling with the same situation. I’ve shown symptoms my whole life but my parents and myself played it down that “I’m just blonde” like that. Now as an adult, these problems are something that still have not gone away or outgrown, and are starting to really affect myself from being successful in several aspects of my life. I feel like a burden towards the people I love and care about, that maybe something is wrong with me.

Last week I brought it up to my parents that I suspect that I have inattentive ADHD and their response was just “Oh yeah, I assumed you had something all this time but it’s fine you don’t need to see a doctor, just read online how to fix it :)” and I’ve never felt so small, lost, and defeated in my entire life. All I ask is can I at least see a professional to get diagnosed so then I can lift this weight off my shoulder if I actually have ADHD or am I just crazy????

Han1997
Han1997 in reply to Karakuzu

I totally know how you're feeling and you are definitely not crazy. I think we're both in very similar positions. Since you're still very early in your discovery, I would really recommend reading this book that I am reading called "You mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!" by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo. It's very much an introductory tool that has been helpful in me understanding what ADD can look like and gives helpful tools for your next steps with it. There is a lot of things in it that have pertained to me that I didn't even realize were ADD related and it may be a helping hand to you to decide what you want to do next.

Karakuzu
Karakuzu in reply to Han1997

Thank you, I have never been one to read a book for things cause reading is just not my thing (can't stay focused while reading, wonder why lol), but I may just make an exception if it's something that will help me!🥺

Han1997
Han1997 in reply to Karakuzu

If it helps, it’s formatted specifically for people with adhd. It’s got an easy to read font AND it has sectioned off paragraphs so that it’s more palatable! I don’t read books EVER, but this I was able to read much easier. I’m thinking it’s less about reading and more about non-accessible formatting that I have an issue with. Read a sample first if you are on the fence! :-)

I was diagnosed my freshman year of high school, and now I am a junior in college. I was always pretty smart and got by pretty easily in school without putting in much effort, but that’s probably just because the classes weren’t really challenging. Whenever I got diagnosed, no one ever really told me what ADHD entailed. No one warned me about the emotional dysregulation, executive dysfunction, and everything else. I didn’t know anything except for the fact that I couldn’t sit down and just do my homework without counting every single eraser I had in my drawer, I couldn’t finish tests quickly enough, and I couldn’t pay attention in class. Then, college came along and I had my ass handed to me for the first time. I was absolutely wrecked by my first real failure, and started feeling depressed because I felt like I wasn’t capable of doing anything right. I hit rock bottom last semester and last Spring when COVID hit. Now I have completely turned my back on my original life goals for after college.

My point is, being diagnosed early on isn’t like reaching the end of the rainbow or seeing greener grass on the other side. ADHD makes people struggle no matter what age you are diagnosed. Maybe this is an issue that lies in the psychiatry system, because they never seem to give helpful tips or information on ADHD to the people they are actually diagnosing with it. All I got was a prescription of Concerta and was sent on my way. Even though I had a pretty easy childhood and smooth adolescent years, I still found rock bottom at some point or another, and still felt defeated by it. I feel like everyone else is just strolling through life and even though I never stop sprinting, I can never catch up. Don’t mean to be depressing I just want you to move past this idea that if you were just diagnosed early on, maybe things would have been so much better. Maybe they would’ve, or maybe they still would’ve sucked. You never know.

That's a very good point. It's not going to solve my challenges, because this is something we will always have ups and downs with. It ultimately shouldn't matter what happened or didn't happen back then because there's no going back or changing it now. I am sorry those things happened to you too. Your comment about others strolling through life while you just seem to never feel like you can catch up really struck a chord for me. The only thing that has been really helping me with this concept is the fact that we should be very proud of working our hearts out just trying to navigate life with unpredictable brains. That's HARD to do and people with ADHD, including you, are resilient as hell from what I see here. It's certainly not easy, but you have gotten this far and it shows that you are capable of more than you think you are.

Yes, you are totally right. I think once I am out of college I will feel a lot more proud because I don’t have to go back to school ever if I don’t want.. Right now I’m still involved with school, so it’s hard to see the bright side of something that has caused me so much pain, and still is for that matter. I’m convincing myself that the bulk of my issues from 2 years ago to now we’re all because of school. Most of my issues won’t go away but whatever I need to do to help me sleep at night (lord knows I need it LOL). All of us ADHDers are very resilient, and especially forgetful... which means as long as we find a way to move forward, we’ll eventually move on from the past because (at least for me) when something is out of sight, it’s completely out of mind.

Oh Totally! I did not know I had ADD until I was 69! Although my patents did not know I had terrible vision until I was in 3rd grade and the teacher said I could not see the blackboard! How is that for non-attentive parenting? I think my Mom had ADD and a few DL’s like I do! Yup, anger is a good word for it! Hugs 🤗

I am just barely an adult and feel like I am drowning in all of this plus doing regular adult things. I can barely remember to pay my bills on time. Did you find methods throughout your life that helped you even without you knowing you had ADHD? Thanks for your response! :)

I highly recommend setting timer reminders on your phone for bills and such. I am starting to drive my husband nuts with all my timers but I'm getting more things done on time.

Thanks for your honesty and courage to share how you are feeling!

I totally relate to this! I feel the same and I’ve now internalised all of the negative messages I received constantly as a child. Such as not caring, being lazy, not trying hard enough, being entitled etc.

The positive I can bring to this is that now we can help others by spreading awareness and sharing our own story and in turn this will help us to have a voice and be heard and understood.

It still really hurts - I am not minimising it - I am just praying and hopeful that something good will come out of our own pain and suffering! Xx

Han1997
Han1997 in reply to Flamingo30

Loving your heartwarming positive outlook on all this! As for the internalization, another member, Lodopo, is doing mirror work which they explain as talking to your younger self, giving yourself comfort and kindness and explaining to yourself that you are not those things that you were described as as a child. Maybe this will work for you as well! Cheers!

Good morning Han1997. I think you have received a lot of great input and even more understanding from your fellow ADHDers. Knowledge of self is a very powerful thing and can be helpful at any stage of life, particularly because life changes and so do the accompanying stressors. Personally, I understand and acutely felt the many stages of grief over my diagnosis, including anger and blame. Once I was able to accept my diagnosis and find purpose in my career and relationships, things have greatly improved. It's a process, so feel the feelings; and know that our everyday struggles and strategies to overcome them require a great deal of effort. Be kind, self-compassionate, and understanding of yourself and those around you. Be well.

Han1997
Han1997 in reply to Shirleytaps

Hello Shirleytaps! I completely agree with you and feel very comforted by the sense of community that was created by this post. It's helped me feel less alone and hopefully has offered a same experience to others as well. I am looking at this in the same way you would look at the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and eventually acceptance. I am still very much in the beginning stages but I am working hard to be kind and patient with myself. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. Thank you for your kind words <3 I hope that I can follow in your footsteps and find that same sense of purpose in my career and relationships as well!

Yes, yes, yes, and yes! I knew I was different but didn’t know why. I was smart enough to compensate and learn ways around being thought of as different. I made good grades in school, but could have been a super achiever. I did what it took to fly under the radar and not be noticed. I did not know there was a name for what was happening to me. At age 55 I’m diagnosed and it all makes perfect sense to me now. Oh well, I get to live a few years at my best!

Han1997
Han1997 in reply to Struggled

I am so glad you are diagnosed and are now able to fully understand the things you did not throughout childhood and young adulthood. Being different feels great when you understand why and how you are different! :) Enjoy living your best!

Totally! I was just diagnosed at 40 years old. I was so unbelievably sad and felt to looked over when I realized no one noticed my whole life. Even when I was so smart and nothing could ever work out and life was so oddly difficult for me. I felt that for a fleeting 5 seconds before I realized that my mother, grandfather, aunt and uncle, my 2 sisters and 2 of my nephews also have adhd. There was no way my mother could have ever noticed I had adhd, or that my sisters did too, because she was spending her life struggling to raise children with her own undiagnosed adhd. As she was raised by her undiagnosed parent. Adhd is so inheritable that usually inwards of 80% of your family may have it. It medically the most inheritable condition they know of. It presents so uniquely in every single one of us!! We are all very different with varying levels of success and failure all in different departments of life. There is one teacher that really screwed me in high school though. He was so mean and a complete know it all! He single handedly did something to make my future life more difficult and him, I can’t forgive. He was so sure he was the best teacher ever and I was just a bad student (and embarrassed because I once schooled him in Shakespeare) and decided to teach me a lesson instead of realizing that my struggle was real and a condition that he should have recognized. That has sit with me for sure. But my mom... no. She has her own problems. Instead of looking back, I’ve made it my mission to help everyone in my family. I started with my depressed, failing school, suicidal 17 year old nephew. Thank god he’s now officially diagnosed, on medication and doing unbelievably better. I’ve taken a lot of responsibility in his treatment since his mother (my sister) struggles with her own adhd that has been misdiagnosed for 15 years (imagine a mess). I take more family responsibly now that I’m medicated and can handle more than others in an attempt to wash their burned and help everyone get on track to get the help they need.

Other than that, I am breaking the cycle. My son is 2 years old and the most responsible thing as a parent I could have done, is figure out that this is in my family! The cycle ends with me. Now we all know. Now we can all take steps and watch our children, have early intervention and help raise them with coping mechanisms.

I’ve also done a lot of deep thinking since being diagnosed and starting medication about whether or not I would Medicare my own child. At first I thought “OMG Absolutely! Why should they suffer!”. Now that I’ve been on the medication for a few months.... I’m not so sure! There are so many things that I learned over the past 40 years that I would have never figured out, had I been medicated. Then where would I be without it? Or if it stops working? And I think the medication only works so well right now because I already learned so much about dealing with myself.

Just some stuff to think about.

I am so glad you are using your experience and knowledge to help others. That is SO important. I understand what you are saying about your teacher. I am so sorry that that happened to you - so people go through life so unconsciously that they don't realize that everyone is different and have their own challenges and especially that they have FEELINGS!

As for your mom and my parents, I agree with you. They didn't know any better than I did before I started this self-discovery. My dad very obviously has ADD but refuses to accept it. He says he doesn't want the labels (I assume because of ego reasons and not wanting to come across as flawed) and he definitely is against medication. Do you have any advice on something like this? I understand I can't force him to see his ADD, but I just feel that his personal life, relationships, and career would benefit from understanding and working with it instead of against it.

Thanks so much for your response!

I was lucky in the fact that my mom accepted her adhd instantly. I mean, we’re soooo adhd! Hahaha. But she accepted it because I asked for her help. I told her that I thought maybe I had it but I wasn’t sure and that since she knows me from a child it would really help if she could help me. I asked her to read a bit about it and read people’s personal stories with adhd and make me as big of a list as she can for my dr on what sounded just like me and what didn’t. I knew I had it. I didn’t need her list. But I knew she would realize she had it. The next day when she called me, she was freaking out with a note book of things that meant she had adhd and her father had it and her sister and her brother and her grandfather etc etc. hahaha. It was mind blowing. We were able to tell quickly who did and didn’t have it. Offer us with adhd are HOPELESS at helping ourselves!!!! But phenomenal at helping others. When I was working with my doctor I had no idea what to do until I started to work on my nephews journey. By making lists of steps for him with his diagnoses and medication with trouble shooting, I suddenly knew everything I was supposed to be doing. I did exactly what I needed for myself, by doing it for someone else. Now, my nephews mother (my sister) is the in denial one. Well.... I don’t know if I’d call it in denial. She’s just soooooo busy with her adhd symptoms, she can’t see reason, help, she doesn’t have time to worry about herself or take care of herself. She’s just trying to get through each day. Struggling. My mom and I hoed that by helping my nephew, she would learn more and realize. But she didn’t learn more. She didn’t bother. She doesn’t have the right idea of what adhd is and how it may apply to her. For me, it was the word hyperfocus. Learning that word ALONE explained my entire existence. For my mother it was reading about sensory sensitivities. For my little sister is was comorbid OCD and anxiety that caught her attention. For my nephew, well there’s a big list, including tics. For my older sister in denial, I think her biggest struggle is processing! She processing.... like nothing! Every single possible thing, especially feelings, gets swept under the rug. So, now I’m kinda hoping she tries my nephews medication one day out of curiosity (completely wrong and nobody try this at home!). I think she would see clearly for a moment and realize that her 15 years of failed depression treatment is actually a misdiagnoses. Either way, we’re going to slowly work on it.

I guess those would be my suggestions. Is there a way you could ask your father for help that would in turn, help him learn something about himself or someone else in his family? For example, could you tell him and your mom that the dr said it’s 100% in the family and needs to know what side it came from. Tell them there is a 20% chance that they don’t have it, it may have skipped them but that definitely one of their parents and some siblings likely have it. Ask them both to read about it and make a list of what applies to their parents and which one they thing has it. Tell them it’s MUCH better to read people’s personal stories about disco bing they have adhd because we can become very good at developing good coping mechanisms. Remind them that it doesn’t mean this grandparent had a bad life. You don’t want them to feel like they’re disgracing the memory of a parent or something. Tell them that people with adhd tend to have a higher IQ and are very smart. The jack of all trades but the master of none (I love that saying for adhd). They could have been perfectly happy with the ways they figured out how to handle things. But it also may be a grandparent of sibling that struggled.

When you really think about him as a person and how his adhd presents, do you think you can guess what adhd symptom is his biggest challenge? It could be all kinds of things like addition(food or games etc), emotional dysregulation, sensory sensitivities, racing brain maybe with lists or tasks, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, narcissistic(though you may notice that, not him, same with lack of empathy), hyperfocus, novelty seeking... there’s so much.

I hope something here helps.

Thank you so so so much! When I realized I had ADHD I realized my mom, younger brother, and my son also have it. But my mom doesn't want to hear about it. She'd rather just call it "being scatterbrained" She went through a major depression when I was a kid. I now see that it was probably induced by the ADHD, the lack of understanding and therefore the lack of grace and support, the unrealistic expectations, the internal frustration and inability to manage time, the difficulty with friends, . . . it's just so clear. I love the idea of having her read testimonials of other people and have her make a list of what I did as a kid that fit that. And my dad needs to do this too, so he can maybe understand how my mom (and i) have been struggling.

They refused to let my brother get tested as a kid because they new part of his difficulty was a teacher that just didn't know how to work with energetic kids. They didn't want to just cover his energy with medication. They never ever had any idea that my spaciness, forgetting, losing things, disorganization, interrupting, hyperfocus, talking sooo much, emotional freak outs, etc were also ADHD.

IgnoranceWasNotBliss, I'm so proud of you! Keep up the good work!

I am 70 and learned about my adhd at 62. It's usually genetic so your parents knew nothing about it even tho at least one of them probably struggled with it their whole lives, without knowing it. The worst thing you can do is direct anger towards them. I agree with the people who say you should find the right meds. ADHD usually travels with other ailments like depressions and/or anxiety. I am not sure like some people on this blog seem to be that adhd is the cause of the others. In my case I've taken anti depressants since I was around 40 when I knew nothing about ADHD. Since then I have moved to another state and other doctors, and a new psychiatrist put me on ritilin for the lack of focus part. It helps. The right anti depressent (sertraline which is generic Zolof) helps me with my anxiety . Find a good psychiatrist for meds, and then the right kind of counseling.

Han1997
Han1997 in reply to GregorysMom

Yes I agree with you, GregorysMom. I think truthfully my anger isn't directed at any one person. It has to do more with feeling of being overlooked which had nothing to do with any kind of neglect. It's just simply the fact that a lot of people aren't familiar with a lot of the symptoms of ADD. No one is to blame for anything. There is a great deal of my own processing in this post and anger is one of those stages of processing. I would never outwardly take that anger out on anyone, especially on someone I love.

I am so glad you have found the right medications that have worked for you! Cheers!

I wouldn’t say I was angry over my late diagnosis (I was diagnosed in my 40s, a couple of years ago) because there was such limited understanding about ADHD back then, let alone ADHD in girls, and I wasn’t an obvious case (I was in a gifted program and always got good grades, and I was a quiet kid who didn’t get into trouble). Even my brother, who displayed more overt symptoms, wasn’t diagnosed until he was in his 30s. What does bother me is how I was made to feel ashamed for my shyness and sensitivity when I was a kid. How I wish that teachers back then knew about social-emotional learning and growth mindset! But mostly I feel grateful that I know now, and that I am able to help my own children navigate the challenges of having an ADHD brain, and hopeful that they won’t spend as many years feeling badly about themselves as I did. I also work with kids with ADHD, so I choose to focus on learning as much as I can about ADHD in order to help them, their families, and their teachers to recognize their strengths and not just focus on their relative weaknesses. It helps me to keep moving forward.

I was an educator too. Good on you. You're making a big difference in the world. I was ostracized a lot as a kid and always had trouble with relationship s. But you may have heard the expression, "Succeeding is the best revenge, and you are Succeeding, and overcoming obstacles. Keep up good work.

I was just diagnosed at 19 and am feeling the same way. I am trying so hard not to hold it against my parents for not noticing, but it’s really hard. My family is very smart and they spent years teasing me for being lazy and unmotivated, when in reality all I wanted was to be able to succeed effortlessly like they did. I was always good at testing and clearly bright enough, but would fail classes that involved lots of homework or big cumulative projects. I got by on smarts for a while but began to slip academically as everything became more complicated. I had all the symptoms too — my teachers always complained that I was too talkative, I could never keep things organized, I couldn’t hear anyone talking when there was music playing, etc. Now that I know I have ADHD, everything makes way more sense. But I’m still completely overwhelmed by just living. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to be able to get up and do all these things for the next 60(ish) years. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it, and it’s extra hard because I don’t want to talk to my family about it while I’m still this mad and hurt. Sorry to steal your post! Any advice is appreciated

winnifred1966
winnifred1966 in reply to lrhg01

Hello to you beautiful😀 I feel for you and I wish you all the best. Things will get better you just have to take it one day at a time. It's okay to be angry, it is a real emotion so don't try to move ahead of it before you are ready. In a way, you are grieving a life that could have been. Don't think about the next 60ish years, only think about today and where you are at - it's too overwhelming to think otherwise. I hope that you are able to talk to someone who is in a position to help walk you through this.

I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I am 54. I was so different from my brother and sister and I always felt alone and lonely. I was always striving to be better and do better. I was gung ho in the beginning of new beginnings, but as always it never lasted. I struggled in school both academically and socially. My high school years were dull and boring; I never did anything fun, partly because I was fearful of not being liked or being made fun of and I felt that nobody liked me or wanted to be my friend. It embarrassed me and so I built up a wall that would not allow for me to be hurt, rejected and least of all I didn't want people to know what was really going on, on the inside. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't angry at all of the people in my life who were totally oblivious to what was happening. I remember my mother telling me that she was going to send me to a psychiatrist - it sounded more like a consequence because of the way that she would say it, but I am sure that she had to of known that something just wasn't right. Sadly though, she has passed on to a better place and I can't ask her. I really do wish that she had of sent me though; maybe my life would have been different, and then again maybe it might not have been. Having said that, my son just turned 28 and was diagnosed with ADHD a few weeks before his birthday. I was floored at first, but when I look back I see it. He is also hearing impaired and had it not been for my mother I may not have ever had him tested. I am thankful to her everyday because he would not be where he is today had he not received the help he got at a young age. However; because he was never diagnosed as having ADHD he never received the help or the medication and as a result he has a college diploma instead of a University Degree. He is a very intelligent young man and now that he is in a position to do so I hope that he will someday consider going back to school and getting his degree. I would understand if he was angry with me and other people in his life for failing him, but I would not want him to stay angry. So, I did go through a period of being angry and I think that is a normal feeling. It is said that a person go through 5 grieving stages upon hearing that they have ADHD. We all go through them, but we go through them in different orders and for different lengths of time. At the end of it we need to accept our fate because we can't go back and change things. My mother, God rest her soul did the best she could; she had her own demons to deal with. I can only hope that my grandchildren, if I am lucky enough to have any, will not have to suffer should they be born with ADHD or hearing impairment. What I want now is to learn how to make the rest of my life better. I want to be a kinder person and I want to be able to have good friends and to be a good friend. I work with children and I love what I do, but someday I will retire and I want to enjoy my retirement without being bored and never wanting to do anything. One thing is for sure though, and that is that I have an amazing husband who is very supportive (I have been dealing with depression for about fifteen or so years and it has been a struggle. My husband has stood by my side through the good times and the bad. I also have two amazing children who I am so very proud of and I really can't ask for anything more then that. I hope this helps😀

Ohohoho! Absolutely! Although I have worse reasons to be mad with my parents and teachers but hell, I CRIED FOR HELP, but I wasn't listened to, I wasn't believed. I felt stupid, useless, a burden, a tragedy, horribly guilty, a monster, somehow not caring even if I cared so much, selfish, spoiled, worthless, I was abused also because of my struggles with ADHD EVERYWHERE, I had no safe place, it was trauma over trauma every damn day, and I felt a disgrace, a lonely disgrace that couldn't count on anyone and that should never be born. To everyone, I shamed my parents, I ruined people, things were way better without me and I deserved to be left starving to death. I wonder why I had a restrictive eating disorder later in life 🤔 so weird, sounds like the perfect childhood

I am forty three. I was diagnosed in the fifth grade. Anger was the base element and it began a cycle of attrition. Anger is like Cancer. With this condition after a while it becomes to much to compartmentalize. Like a lot of people I wanted to belong and be accepted because I was clearly different, exceedingly "bright", but not "intelligent". As a kid I didn't want to be in special ed, because I wanted to belong and be accepted. I went to college six times because I let other people who told me that there was nothing wrong with me think with my head. It is a experiential learning carnival of horrors. The one thing that you do not want to do is dumb yourself down to fit in. In doing that you put your creative intelligence in a coma and without it all you have is that anger, which turns into weariness, depression and eventually fear. Without treatment and taking a hard inventory at the many cross roads of this condition, your naturally feverish optimism, will just become an excuse for being lost in how hard you are "trying to try" until you become habituated to playing catch-up. If you have the means get help and work on yourself before you get lost in trying to find everything else that you lose "You".

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