just wanted to ask if anyone else is dealing with an adult son (24) with adhd who still lives at home. My son lacks motivation, blames everyone for everything, has extremely low self esteem and is not keeping up with basic health needs and appearance.
Love to hear if anyone has similar struggles.
Hey,
I just joined too. You’re definitely not alone as I pretty much posted the same as you. Sorry I don’t have any help. Just as lost and frustrated. Hopefully someone will.
We are in same position with our 22 year old. We love him so much and try to help him to move forward in life. He hates where he is (mostly sitting up in his room listening to music or playing guitar) but seems unwilling - or feels unable - to change. As with you, he blames us for everything. Sorry as I can’t offer words of wisdom but please know you are not alone.
Hi there. I am struggling with the same thing with my 17yo daughter (adhd / anxiety and depression / eating disorder / and recently dx’d HFA) who is about to graduate from an online high school by some miracle. Always in bedroom / too scared to learn how to drive / terrified to be around people / unkempt appearance / failed therapy for years). Medication helps only to an extent.
I am reading a couple of books that may help.
1. Thomas W. Welch Psy.D.The Breakaway: A Parent's Guide to Transitioning the Autistic and Twice Exceptional Adolescent Into Young Adulthood
I stumbled upon this book written by a schoolmaster for a special school in Colorado and boy does this gentleman ever “get” it I’m about done with the book and half of it is highlighted. It’s very practical in the steps to take to help young adults to launch and how to speak to them (I think it would help adhd too - I believe the title is limiting) in a way that helps bring them out of their shell and gain life skills and self esteem.
2. Mark McConville Ph.D.Failure to Launch: Why Your Twentysomething Hasn't Grown Up...and What to Do About It
I just ordered this book and will read it after finishing the other book. I have seen it recommended on here several times.
Parenting these kids is not for the faint of heart. I have so much respect for parents who are ahead of me on this journey. This forum is also helpful. Throw your questions out there. There are some very wise parents on here who have excellent advice and give great support. I am very grateful for them. We all just want to do the right thing
Best to you.
thanks for the book recommendations and the words of support.
Hello Tuckercharm. I wish I could say no to your question, however, yes. Our son struggles with hygiene, he has periods where it is better and then periods, most likely when he's feeling down, when it's worse. He also has angry outbursts, yells and blames others. I mostly believe a lot of the low self esteem comes from feeling inadequate. He had a very difficult, and that is putting it lightly, time with school. No matter what he just wasn't able to retain information enough to pass. This makes him feel "stupid" or like an "idiot" (his words). When in reality he isn't, he just has a different brain when it comes to learning. I know there is some technique possibly that may have helped him, unfortunately we haven't found it yet. I feel that kids who excel in school, get praised so much, that the kids who are working 10x has hard just to do simple work get over-looked. That stigma is real, when they say these kids are lazy. No they're not lazy, it's just sometimes so impossible to them that they don't know what to do and it becomes paralyzing. I have made consequences for when he's not picking up, messes beyond any normal mess mind you. It works some times. It's very difficult being a caregiver, for me I just try to keep reminding, keep guiding him. I worry though because I will not always be here and I wonder how he will do when that time comes. He also happens to have a few chronic medical issues too. One being type 1 diabetes. Which as you can imagine doesn't go well with ADHD. He does ok, but I can imagine he would remember more and take much better care if he didn't also have the adhd. Just keep reminding him it's ok to be frustrated, but not to blame everyone else, as that's not right either. Easier said than done, I know. You are not alone on this difficult path, even though it really feels that way most days. Hopefully, something will click and he will find something he excells at and it will help boost his confidence. Good luck, hang in there.
thanks for explaining your situation. I know we are not alone. My son takes adhd medication and zoloft for anxiety. I wish I could get him to ask his psychiatrist for a complete. Reassessment because I am not sure what he is taking in the right thing!
Hi there, welcome!
We are also in a similar situation. My son, 24, recently was diagnosed with ADHD. During school age, he was diagnosed with severe dyslexia. We have depression and anxiety in the family so when those symptoms presented, we overlooked the ADHD altogether and thought he inherited those illnesses. He’s struggling with college, working, emotional regulation, hygiene, sleep, eating, and just accepting having ADHD. He thinks he can just *will* his way to “normal”.
Anyway, you’re definitely not alone. Every day is a struggle. Don’t forget to take care of you!
Thanks so much it helps to hear from others in a similar position. I wish there were more supports and answers it I know it doesn’t work that way. 🙁
Hi, yes, my son is 20 and has been as you describe for 2 years missing big chunks of school. Also vaping, dabbling in drugs, drinking too much.
Finally he reached rock bottom after failing to finish yet another polytechnic course and waking up one morning lying on a grass bank next to a homeless man where he had passed out.
Since then he has decided he doesn’t want to end up that way and has decided to turn his life around. He loves football and he was finding no energy or motivation to play and was always puffed when running. He had hypothyroid which affected his energy.
He has researched healthy living. The key to turning it around is
Diet, real whole food, mainly plants, no junk food
Exercise find something you enjoy.
Bright light first thing in the morning
Get off social media
He is now taking a broad spectrum high dose multinutrient (Hardys DEN, 12capsules per day), also rhodiola rosea, astragalus, ashwaghanda, NAC and acetyl carnitine.
This year he has been at uni and has been achieving well and has just about finished his first semester with flying colours.
The thing to realise is low dopamine means the energy to do anything is very hard to muster and the energy to do hard things is impossible. But doing a fun thing actually boosts dopamine and makes it easier to do a hard boring thing. So the worst thing to do is to nag about untidy room or having to do a chore.
Does he have/ did he have an interest that used to consume him? Maybe a sport? (Except for computer games). Even something like mini golf or swimming at the beach.
If you can think of anything fun to do it might give him the energy to keep going. I took my son for. 2 night holiday away by himself from his computer and we walked on a beach, in the bush, looked at nature. We went zip lining (flying fox through the high tree tops) He enjoyed it and it gave him a break from his room and gave him space for thinking.
He is studying the brain and psychology now and has got right into watching utube clips from DrAndrew Huberman on healthy lifestyle. They are well worth a listen.
thanks for the reply! My son loves F1 racing and just completed 1 year of a 2 year sports broadcasting program. He loves car racing but there is not much opportunity here in Toronto. He is just not motivated to do much else.
well I would say that is the place to start trying to rekindle the interest or some related thing as the most important thing is to get him up and out and busy again even if it seems a waste of time in the scheme of things. Once he has an interest and passion he might start to formulate a plan to be able to afford to go to meetings, maybe one day buy a car. Then that might lead into thinking about how to earn money.
My husband has Parkinson’s and he has the same problem so I learnt the hard way that pleading, reasoning, begging, threatening, guilt tripping him never works and makes it worse - freezes up and becomes unable to do anything- and once he finds something of interest he winds himself up and then eventually he will start playing music, then he starts helping with little jobs like washing folding and dishes then his mood lifts.
Watch the Andrew Huberman video on how dopamine works. It’s very enlightening.
Can you take him to a race, or go and look at cars somewhere, not sure what but little easy things first! And start sneaking more and more healthy food and veges into his meals if you can.
Hi there,
I’m in the same situation with my 20 years old son. He graduated from high school 2 years ago and started at the university, but drop off few months later because of anxiety. Then told us that he wanted to take a brake and find a job. He started many jobs and gave up. So, he decided one day to leave the house and to stay with a friend ( to be close to the city where he want to develop music skills). Although we discourage him for doing that ( because of friends influence), he decided to go ( he has always dislike parent authority). By this time, we knew nothing about his ADD. After another failure, he came back home and started showing a sign of depression ( low esteem, eating and sleeping desorder, lack of motivation, etc. ). He told us that he needed help. I bring him to see a psychiatrist who told us that he has ADD and prescribe medication. But, later on, I discovered that he was using drugs and he admit it after many denied and tell me that he started using it because he was feeling bad. He began to do do so when he left home. He his seing a therapist now and still taking his add medication, but I’m wondering if the depression was the substances or from Add. I’m waiting for he next appointment with psychiatrist to see what will be the next step ( he told me he didn’t mention this to the psychiatrist during his first visit and I know that it’s absolutely important to do so in other to find adequate support or treatment
All this is to say that you’re not alone. Just stay positive and take care of yourself even if as a parent is not easy to see your son in this situation.
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