My son is 7 now and we continue to struggle with his ADHD behaviors and mood disorder, he pretty much seems to hate me most days, his father my husband also has adhd and pretty sure multiple undiagnosed things such as mood disorder and severe anxiety and sensory hypersensitive. I didn’t think it could be any lonelier or that I could be anymore stressed that I have been previously but seems to be growing daily, within the past month 2 of his teachers have reached out about his uncontrollable behaviors in class ( we actually I am looking into 504 plan and have been in touch with school on that) son is medicated we have tried new ones have a psychiatrist involved now and now I’m also looking into parent training to help manage his anger and foul words and behaviors, reward charts never worked we have always been frequent in positive praise for a job well done but, in trying to parent with his father who is barely managing his own self I always feel resentful that in the process or trying to help our son his inconsistency anxiety and own irritability are making things worse for all of us, on top of that I feel the burden on myself for trying to manage his appointments making new ones and trying to stay on top of the ADHD symptoms, medications eating ect.,I work full time do most of the meal planning as well, I’m either premenopausal or severely stressed to where some days I barely can lift my head off the pillow, dad doesn’t follow up with making sure our son eats the things I recommend since he barely has an appetite it’s important we get foods in that have fat and substance, if our son says he doesn’t want to eat it to dad dad pretty much says ok and moves on and gets to be the “good guy” seems I’m the one with the heavy load to make sure our son is doing ok,, since hubs no longer is hyper focused on me (boy the courting in our relationship was amazing seems as soon as that hyper focus wore off all was back to what he wanted) pretty much into many other things he finds more important our marriage is pretty non existent in my eyes.lack of empathy lack of emotion all I know can be ADHD related as well as the self centered ways, well but damn how long does one stay in a marriage like that? Yes I know he can’t help most of it but, if your a grown man and you’ve been told you are diagnosed and know you have these issues and see your son having extreme issues as well…do something? Accountability? If you see it’s most of what’s ruining the marriage? That along with the stress our son puts on us. I’ve been contemplating how divorce or separation would look but can’t get passed the fact of how that would impact our son and having to start new routines and new living places ect. And scared about how any work I put in will fall apart due to dads inability to be consistent feeling like I have 2 helpless children.Just feeling kinda sad as I don’t know anyone in my real life that can even relate a bit. Just looking to vent here, not looking for advise really just invite anyone to reply if they can relate sometimes this journey is lonely. Thanks for being here in this community . Man that was a long post but had to get it off my chest thanks for reading
feeling overwhelmed with the ADHD in ... - CHADD's ADHD Pare...
feeling overwhelmed with the ADHD in my home and lack of support form ADHD spouse
Welcome to the group. Sending you big hugs and want you to know we are here for you. Many of us are dealing with the symptoms of our children having ADHD.
What do you think about asking the Psychiatrist ( they generally just deal with managing medications) if they can help with with therapy for your son, in the past I have always attended his sessions so we could work on issues together.
As far as the 504 plan, this can help with laying out a plan to assist with him in school and what his needs are and to assist with areas of weaknesses.
It sounds like you are trying to get the best medications for him. This always takes trials to see what works and what doesn't.
If you have an issue you could search the group's past messages and see if you could get answers from that.
Big hug.. hang in there hope things get better.
thanks for being here, reading and replying to me. ☺️ If it wasn’t for this site I think I’d have really lost it a long time ago.
Definitely no advice. But thank you for venting. I am in a similar situation and it's a roller coaster for sure . My husband is also struggling and it's his anger that is hardest for me. Just know you are not alone, although it often feels that way. Keep working with the school and the doctors to help your son. It's hard as there is a lot of trail and error in the medication process. Feel free to message me if you need to vent. I so get it! No one in my real life really understands and especially with having to help manage the adult who is supposed to share the parenting it can feel overwhelming, and exhausting. Hang in there and take it a day at a time. You're doing a good job mom.
Hi, thanks so much for reading and replying it makes me feel less crazy when I hear others can relate and I’m not alone. I wish I could find an in person support group near me I think seeing and talking to others really can make a world of difference. My hubs has anger outbursts as well it’s like he’ll go from 0 to 100 then back to 0, and the coldness sometimes like the lack of empathy thing is what is getting me the most these days. It’s a struggle, hugs to you and thanks for the kind words
Wow. That sounds tough I do 90% of the parent care stuff, too. (I'm a father, though.) & it is exhausting, especially the never medical medical appt rounds (not to mention all the missed school that goes along with). So same as the others, I don't have any specific advice except to keep what you're doing for your son.
Btw, I have a very supportive spouse with ADHD & sometimes the "D" word creeps into my mind bc I get so frustrated that she just doesn't get or appreciate what I'm doing (or meeses up my food stuff, too, actually). Not saying that's your situation, just that this kiddo (w/ or w/o ADHD) stuff will make you feel like you are under water in the best of circumstances. Hang in there!!
thanks for reading and replying, the D word had been in my mind for weeks, it’s emotionally exhausting. I’m glad your spouse is supportive that makes a big difference.
It must be really hard for you managing work and your son and husband.
This forum is exactly that- support and advise, people listening to you…
I know I’ll sound like a broken record and plus you did say you wanted to vent and not people ‘advising’ but have you thought of changing your son’s medication?
Some non stimulants will not suppress appetite as much as stimulants. I understand how frustrating it is to have a child who doesn’t eat because for my son food has never been a priority and it was always chasing after him and trying to make him eat whilst he’s doing something else and noone understood this and people including family were telling me in a patronising voice ‘A child will eat when the child is hungry.’ Well and how about a child who is never hungry… So I do understand the frustration.
Also the outburst, maybe on a different medication he won’t be like that?
I never looked back since we changed my son’s medication to a non stimulant. He eats now like all other kids and he sleeps and he’s well balanced most of the time. We now have a worry about his high heart rate and worry that it might be related to ADHD medication but I will wait and see what the doctor says about it. Luckily there are a few more meds to chose…
hi there yeah he’s in the midst of a medication change now but haven’t seen any improvement we have a follow up in a couple weeks to possibly change again. It’s draining. We have yet to go to a non stimulant but that was something we discussed at the last visit. Some of the medications he’s been on have amplified the ADHD symptoms and made him more agitated as well. I’m also in the process of looking for a good parent training program, for hubs and I both, the lack of consistently certainly is doing harm to our son as well, dad never wants to say no or be the bad guy so of course cause I’m the one telling my kiddo to eat more peanut butter, watch his naughty word ect or any way I try to do anything against what our son wants to do he gets irritated with me, yells at me, tells me I’m stupid ect, while his dad sits there and let’s it happen, like hello? At the very least you. An say in a calm voice it’s not ok ti talk to mom like that? It’s like I get it from them both ya know?Something’s gotta give here. The heart rate thing you mention, gosh that’s scary and sucks so bad especially because it sounds like the meds are working for your kiddo. It’s so frustrating we try so hard to the point of exhaustion to find something then perhaps need to try something else ugh. These side effects to these meds too can be the symptoms we are trying to treat these kids for, it’s maddening! Thanks for being here.
Totally, it is draining!
For us everything was going ‘well’ and now I was told my son’s pulse is too high (it might be a side effect of Atomoxetine’).
That’s something I completely ignored as a possibility - that he will be fine with the symptom control but medication will mess his physical health…
Do check your child’s pulse na d blood pressure occasionally. I haven’t been told to do it so it’s been 6 months since the last medication review and last time his pulse was fine and now it’s too high…
Now when I think about it and as I have been checking during the weekend- my son is most irritable when his pulse is very high…
Hope you find medication which agrees with your child and there will be no adverse reactions.
So true! Sometimes it feels like the symptoms got worst and the medication isn't quite doing what's needed. Making daily life more stressful. That's part of what we're trying to stop.
I can relate to everything you said except my adhd child is a girl. She’s 13 now, but when she was your son’s age, it was very hard. I, too, felt very alone with a husband who was not supportive. He said that our daughter was fine and that it was everyone else that was “messed up.” I persevered with the 504, the psychiatrist, medications for the adhd and anxiety, and therapy. Fast forward to today: our child is doing better (not perfect but better), husband is on board with all aspects of care, straight A’s in school. We still have trouble with appetite and sleep and lots of social issues; but our home has kind of become our daughter’s safe haven. She’s happy when she’s at home. Hang in there. I can also relate to the premenopausal symptoms. Hormones are important. I went to a nurse practitioner who specializes in menopause. It made such a huge difference getting that under control. If you feel guilty taking care of yourself, remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care! Vent anytime!
amen to that, can’t pour from an empty cup ain’t that the truth! I almost feel like the more self care I try to give myself that my husband feels threatened or takes me needing my time as personal against home, it’s very childish sometimes and just don’t get it. Was your daughter diagnosed pretty young and did it take a long while to get the point she’s at now? That’s pretty awesome to hear she’s doing well and getting A’s. I can’t imagine what’s going on in these kids brains makes me sad. We’ve been on this journey for a few years now trying therapy meds foods ect I just wish my son to be happy he seems so stressed impulsive and moody. I see the same behavior in his dad but he doesn’t take much responsibility for his own actions I get it, living your entire life then hearing someone tell you in your 40’s you have ADHD… but when you can see similarities in your child that’s struggling I think that would be a motivating point to get myself better to be able to help him as well? So tiring, thanks for being here reading and replying to me
We knew very early on that our daughter had adhd. She started medication in second grade. Her psychiatrist explained to me that she would always be 3 to 4 years behind her peers in social emotional skills. She’s in 7th grade now. So, if she’s 3 years behind, it’s like putting a 10 yo with a bunch of 14 year olds, which is so much better than when she was 7 with the social emotional skills of a 3 or 4 year old. The gap is always there but it has gotten easier to manage as she’s gotten older. Also, there are some perks. She’s not on social media and doesn’t seem to mind. When we go shopping, she still holds my hand. She kisses us goodnight every night. We still have our struggles but life is much better now than when I was in your shoes dealing with a 7 yo with adhd. I replied because I could totally relate and wanted to give you hope that there are better days ahead.
oh man that does help to feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I hope I don’t suffocate before getting there. Our son has never really been cuddly or lovable I mean he’ll give a hug if asked once ina while he’ll initiate but for the most part seems preoccupied and uninterested so that part gets depressing for me as mom, knowing my oldest daughter was affectionate and usually happy so it’s hard when your next kid seems angry and unhappy most the time. Makes sense the emotional part of how you describe and I appreciate that you explained it that way. Deep breaths and gaining all the patience back once used up appears to be key here 😊
Definetely, it’s a roller coster; my Daugther have adhd, odd, and anxiety, she is 16 years old, and also my husband is adhd much supportive thats the true; with my Daugther we are having phyquiatrist and therapy support, she is also in Adderral RX, but we are still having behavioral and mood issues, she said that she hate us, and transfer the fault of her mistakes to us, all days are unpredictable, most of days feeling overwhelmed and sad, because i feel that this is my fault for been a bad mom; however i read the other comments of the parents in the Group and i see that we are not the only ones strugling with our daugther, all of us in our way are trying to live better, today it will be a new day and we need to be strong, remember you are not alone, God bless you!!!
thank you for being here reading and replying I do appreciate it. And you hang in there as well, it’s heartbreaking when one of the people in the world you love the most says hurtful things and blames ect. There is no reasoning with the kiddos either. I worry about school he does good with school work but now having issues controlling his Behavior in class his brakes aren’t working too well there these days, it used to be just at home but now it’s getting worse at school. This site and others here definitely make me feel better about the situation because it sure can get lonely. For all the chaos in this house I never thought In a million years that that feeling to describe how I feel in it would be “lonely”
I really feel for you. I’ve been in your shoes until we started medication. Now it is a bit better. You are doing an amazing job trying to stay on top of everything. Your resilience deserves admiration. Just please, don’t neglect yourself. Venting certainly helps, but talking to a professional to help you deal with the stress would help you so much more.
thanks for reading and replying, yep I do see a therapist as well, in fact we have about 3 between the marriage one, our sons then my own. So no short of that lol. But even talking to them, they might understand but couldn’t relate. I wish I had an in person parent support group nearby I’ve looked several times online and came up empty handed. This site is great and had made me feel better numerous times 😊
hugs momma, I also have a 7 yr old that has similar emotions. We both work full time, 2 kids in sports, and she was asked to leave 3 daycares before age 3. By age 6 we had to beg for a mood stabilizer for her, her aggression was just too much and aimed at me and her 9 yr old brother. Our situation is somewhat similar as far as the parenting goes except our parenting styles are opposite. I have ADHD, emotions are not regulated at all, easily triggered and get angry, however I am not the “fun” parent either. I was raised in a military house hold and I parent the same way. This doesn’t work well with her, then the gentle parent comes in and can get her out of the disregulation, then she does what is asked but they have to make concessions to her behavior, and I absolutely hate that, but that is a me issue and I realize that, although it doesn’t make it any easier on my part. Unfortunately at that point I realize I am no good for anything and have to remove myself or I make it worse. I am grown woman and the only thing I can do I walk away. My marriage is also in taters because of it. I feel like all I do is cause uncontrollable chaos at my house, and we are always at each other. At this point I don’t like myself much less my spouse. So I wish I could help more. Know you are not alone…
Hi there, thank you so much for being here and your honesty, reading these reply really help feeling less alone! Thank you and hugs back to you.I’ve never imagined divorce but it’s like we are at it all day and we both feel a certain way and neither of us can help that, are Brains are wired different on top of that growing up his mom never gave rules boundaries ect so my husband is clueless to how that should work,( I kinda wish he had the military upbringing lol) everything is free for all with his other girls, nothing required but do good in school… um really? Our parenting style is different as well I think he expects this parent fairy to fall from the ceiling and be able to help our son with everything he needs I don’t think he sees the work I put into this and most other things. Life’s hard anyways ya know? At the very least I’d expect more kindness from him, empathy… nope. The struggle is real and I relate I don’t like the me I’ve become or the him that is here, and that makes it almost impossible I think to get it right for our little guy 😔.it’s the layer upon layer of hurt and frustration. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to walk a mile in your spouses shoes? I’d love to be able to see life how he does to get a better perspective and him for me. That might change things easily for us both. I think I’m going to check into a mood stabilizer for our son it’s so hard for him. I’m pretty sure my hubs has some emotion dysregulation as well or mood disorder because most days he just isn’t nice and I struggle with that the most. Like hey I’m here trying to support you and our son can you at least be nice to me? Nice Like you are to 99% of all others including the strangers at the store. It’s hard. Thanks for being here and listening 😊
When I saw this post on my phone, I exhaled and realized it was such a relief to know that someone else is feeling the same way. We have 3 kids, my husband has ADHD, and our marriage has been fading into a shell every since we had kids. When he first said "I wonder if I have ADHD", I felt SO hopeful -- like if we could get help, we could find a path through. But I've found that a late-diagnosed adult still has a world of childhood hurt to work through (being called lazy, never really feeling like you fit in, having to hide a part of yourself to make it in a neuro-typical world, low self esteem, etc). My husband says he is open to it, but when the moments come when it's clear that his ADHD is playing a major role in creating chaos in our house, he gets ultra-defensive, walks away, and doesn't re-engage with me or the kids for days - sometimes weeks - at a time. And then he forgets what it was about in the first place so we can't have a meaningful conversation about the original trigger, either. At first, I tried to "cover" for him but then I became resentful for trying to cover for him all the time plus do 90% of everything in our house. He tells me all the time that my expectations are unreasonable and way too high... all I want is for me to be able to completely give up certain responsibilities and feel like I don't have to think about them again. It has taken us YEARS to reach a point where he not only takes out the trash but also replaces the plastic liners inside the trash can. And he and my ADHD daughter are like oil and water. It's exhausting and I find that after navigating the details of everything every day, I simply don't have any energy left to put into the positive emotional parts of our marriage. All this to say, I hear you and you are not alone!!!
hello thanks for taking the time and replying. I do appreciate it and I’m glad it made you feel less alone as well. I am so thankful for this place and being able to talk to others that can relate. Mine also gets defensive so anything that starts a simple conversation that I usually try to initiate (while I walk on eggshells) ends in an argument and the feeling of steps closer to the big D. He will also detach himself from me emotionally he sometimes won’t speak to me more then a sentence or at all for days, then comes back like everything is ok, like Wtf really? You blew up on me for trying to talk to you about an issue that’s important to me, you get defensive mad, then pull away and don’t see that as an issue? Last week he told me he needed to be around positive people lol I was like yeah well I used to be very positive but it doesn’t help to be positive when your 7 year old is chucking toys and swear words at you daily while your husband sits and watches then has the balls to criticize how I am trying and then try to be the savior good guy, all while my hormones are jacked up from being premenopausal like can u give any part of yourself?. So I get it from hubs and kid and then I’m being told that he feels like he need to go because it’s not positive here? Like take some responsibility with your own life and get your own issues under control then maybe that may help the positivity around here what about me buddy the one that hasn’t left you and is still here and hopeful? ☺️It’s become a shame of a marriage really the ADHD stress takes it to a level that I’ve never experienced before. Something’s gotta give. Hang in there yourself
what I have ask my spouse to do is make small notes. Sticky notes if you will and hang them where stuff needs to be done. They refuse, so it comes down to executive function and we don’t have it, unless we are hyper focused on it. Walk into my parents house and there are notes everywhere. Sometimes it is what needs to be done to get done what you want done. I keep telling them, help me help you and stop getting mad at me for something I literally can’t do if you won’t help me with this little thing.
My daughter and I are also oil and water. I am tired of the verbal and physical abuse from a 7 yr old. Last night I made up my mind that even though I love her and would lay my life down for her, I can no longer live with her. I am so over being the person she wants the most but treats like total garbage. I still have loads of childhood trauma to heal from after a diagnosis at 48…. It is not conducive to a peaceful household. I don’t want to be in the same house with her anymore. My body is in a fight of flight mode 24/7 and it is exhausting. I am emotionally disregulated and can’t get it together despite my spouse yelling at me to get it together you are a grown up.
I wish I had any really helpful advice. This is just my point of view.
good morning
happy monday from the cold and soggy northeast. First, I totally feel you!!! ALL of it. I think I have to say the turning point for me with all of this ADHd stuff was when the school Vice Principal told me about her own experience with her son- and how she was never invited (or the family, rather) to any of the neighborhood parties... she could watch them all happening, and because of her son and his behavior, they were never invited. My point in telling you that is you ARE NOT ALONE. And yes, it sucks. Every day is a little different for us. My son is 12. We took a meds break this week - I wanted to see how he was. It was a wild ride. But, not totally unhappy as it had been in the past. You might ask why. I sure have. I think it may be a combination of things. He is getting older. we are not as angry at him either. I think 7, 8, 9 is that time when the spaghetti hits the fan for these kids. I would imagine they are under pressure at school to act a certain way, girls start getting aggravated at them because they are the annoying boys, teachers get aggravated, and then you and dad do too... so..... I would start with controlling what you can. Which is how YOU react. Do you argue with him? hahaha.. seriously? might as well head down to the bar and argue with the drunks at midnight. It won't end well either way. My kid's favorite word is still no. So I just tell him there will be consequences if he doesn't do what I ask. I don't actually tell him what the consequences will be, I just say something vague like " they will have to do with your computer, or sleeping over at your friend's house". that makes him stop and think. You could check out the book "ten days to a less defiant Child". I think a lot of these ADHD kids are angry and sad because they are ALWAYS IN TROUBLE. how would you feel ??? do you remember?? I am wicked old- but I still remember... it sucked. And i didn't get in trouble that much... Keep your chin up. One day at a time and all those hokey sentiments... but know you are not alone... and don't argue with him... just roll with it and toss out a compliment here and there... and don't get down on yourself... you are doing fine
My husband more on autism scale, daughter adhd. As hard as it might be, do the parenting, you bring your son up. Let husband do what he can to help with other things. Mine doesn’t have temper but distances loads. I have learned a lot and adhd kids can be so affectionate through teen years despite the temper. See the temper as adhd not them and let them know it. It’s different with hubby, he needs strategies and medication
I know this post is a few days old, but it struck me because I am in a very similar situation. My husband has ADHD and doesn't take medication for it (though he did as a child). I definitely feel you. My oldest child also has ADHD and hers is pretty severe, he says it is worse than his was when he was young. I don't know though, the level of executive dysfunction my husband can have at times is pretty shocking. I call him "Mr. 90%" because he often will do 90% of a task and then forget the most important part, like for example, looking up hotels for a trip but then never booking them until I ask him several weeks later. Then he fusses about how much things cost. Then I get annoyed, because it would have been cheaper if he had just done it several weeks ago. I also have to pay all our bills, manage our daughter's (and our NT son's) schedule, and keep up with goings on at the schools.
Luckily I have him delegated to do the majority of the "household" things because they aren't really on timeframes so he does ok with them (laundry, cooking, shopping, dishes, etc) and we hired a cleaning lady to come clean because I can't keep on that with everything else, and he is a slob so he won't do it. I also put most of our smaller bills on auto pay so that I don't have to worry about keeping up with them, and the larger ones I have set as reminders.
I sometimes think about how much freer I would be if I divorced him, like the idea of having a whole place to myself that I can keep how I want sounds amazing! Way better than constantly chasing after 2 neurodevelopmentally disabled people and a 4 year old (the neurotypical one). We have done therapy in the past and he went along with it, I could tell he wasn't really into it. But it did help us a bit with communication or at least figuring out how each of us works with communicating info. Now we do things like keep a family calendar so everyone knows what is going on...but it took a lot of work to get there.
Maybe you could delegate some of the less pressing things to him for him to handle and that way some of the day to day things can be taken off you? You could also ask him what it is he feels is reasonable for him to do. Be prepared for him to be unrealistic though, because my husband honestly thinks he is going to pay some bills but every time he does they are late or he forgets he paid and it pays it twice. Guide that conversation to what you feel he can accomplish and if he fights you on it, be blunt and tell him why you don't think he can do it. Let him show you if he cares about it that much.
Anyway, these are just some ideas for how I cope and make it work. My husband is incredibly loving and sweet when you can get past the annoying habits his ADHD gives him, like the executive dysfunction...I try to remember that there is a good person in there he just happens to be held back by his brain.
Thank you for the reply and sharing your experience I really do appreciate it!I like your ideas and It sounds like your hubs is at least able to work with you on things so that’s awesome, a big part of our challenges stem from his impulsive tendencies usually bad decisions and decision making that happens when he feels like it and not involving me or my input and his ocd he wants to run around doing everything or because of his anxiety fix everything to HOW HE wants it so it’s a lot of he gets in his own way sometimes. He used to come behind me and put things away that I was still using in the kitchen while cooking BEFORE I was even done with them, boxes, a dirty spoon used to mix something, a bag of empty food cans before going to recycling he’ll take away before I’m done opening and dumping the last few cans (example while making chili) until one day I finally said stay OUT of the kitchen when I’m cooking and if I need help I’ll ask you, he runs around full speed most days….I wish there were things I could sway him to be responsible for but I sometimes feel like he wants to be a part of everything easy and nothing that takes more thought into it like helping with our son, he wants to be part of “parenting” don’t do this don’t do that (hubs has sensory issues as well, so hates when our son is loud) or even tries to correct me what I’m doing yet doesn’t put ANY time or effort into learning and keeping up on some of the important strategies we need to do as parents (if that makes sense) it’s a constant battle with what he finds important at the time and empathy is not his strong suit by no means either, so when I share how this makes me feel it’s deer in the headlights most the time. I just wish he’d have some accountability sometimes it would make it feel less stressful. Our son I think suffers so much from the inability to be consistent with things he needs consistency on. When our son is having big feelings it’s almost worse when dad jumps in and keeps talking and saying things and it’s like just chill that’s making it worse. I wish he wasn’t so defensive it would make life much easier to be able to talk directly to him about this but I think he is just in denial. It’s such chaos. Something has to give. Thanks again for replying and sharing sorry for the long reply I was just in a moment lol😀
Awe! Mama, you are not alone in this journey! Lol! As I wss reading your message I thought that I had actually written it! I mean, almost word for word. For you and me. I don't know the answer yet. However, I strongly believe that some how things will get better. Right now, hopefully my message will help calm your feelings down a little. Believe it or not you and I are not the only ones in this similar situation.
I think that therapy would be a good place to start; besides praying. Hopefully, the therapy will help to get some inner peace, drive and direction of what else you need to do.
Remember to take care of you first! Then you can focus on your son etc. 🙏🙏🙏 for you!
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