Hello, I'm new on here, so thank you for letting me in.
I have an 18 yr old daughter, diagnosed with ADHD aged 16. She left home for uni in Sept and has struggled with leaving home, self discipline with study - but now refuses to take meds. Meds have worked really well for her in the past. Her therapist & Dr are helping but she still won't engage. She knows meds help her but still refuses to talk about why she's stopped. We've explained all the advantages again, been really patient, but uni is going to crash if this continues, and more importantly friendships and relationships are suffering as meds really help her mood. We understand this can be part of accepting the diagnosis, and is common amongst teenagers but it's really causing her problems.
Has anyone else experienced this? I would really appreciate any thoughts.
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Cherry100
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Hello Cherry, I can feel the angst in your post. Having been through the college struggles with one of mine, I know the anxiety it produces!
While I haven’t dealt with refusal to take meds, I have dealt with a child faltering in college and let me reassure you that medication will not necessarily stop your daughter from crashing in college. Meds are effective but not magic. Mine is on meds and still faltered. He didn’t begin to turn around until this past semester when he became so tired of the struggle that he decided he needed an executive function coach in addition to his medication.
All this to say is that:
1. Only your daughter can decide she’s tired of the status quo. You’ll have to stop reminding her about medication. You can tell her you’re going to stop talking about it, but that you’re there if she changes her mind. This puts the responsibility back on her. You can’t make someone want help. This means she may have to experience failure. If she fails and still doesn’t want change then college isn’t right for her right now. This is something you will have to accept and it can be hard.
2. Meds won’t “solve” the problem. They are an aide, but she needs other supports too. Medication alone isn’t enough.
3. Support her but don’t completely catch her. When she fails, let her experience some of the uncomfortableness of failure and be there to point her in the right direction when she does. Don’t save her but do support her in rebuilding.
This is big, hard stuff to deal with. My best advice is to take a deep breath and remember that her mental health takes priority over everything - even school.
Hi. It's my understanding that an executive coach can help to properly understand ADHD and how it affects one's life and then help with executive functioning skills including organising school/uni, social activity and life in general. I found them through a company called Connections in Mind. I hope that helps
You can hire one - they are expensive and are not covered by insurance. Also, you can get an accountability partner. In our case, both my son (college) and daughter (high school) have me as their executive function coach. It has made a huge difference. I realize not everyone has the time to do this though. Everyone has to find what works for them.
Thank you so much for your reply. I completely agree, my daughter has (very successfully) taken meds for the past year before she suddenly refused to continue last month - and although they are not magic they really helped with friendships/relationships as well as school work. They also helped with her mental health in so many ways, so it's very hard to watch things become so much harder for her due to not taking meds - especially socially. But as you say, she has to decide if and when she wants to take them, and she has to be allowed to fail. Having tried a few approaches including - not mentioning meds - trying to persuade to take meds, she refuses to tell me why, so I think we just have to wait. Thanks again for your help.
Of course. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s not for the faint of heart. Just keep on keeping on. Sometimes I just need to hear that because I always judge myself that I'm not doing enough. You’re doing everything you can. 👍🏻
my son has said that he won’t take meds if they are prescribed. He reckons they change your personality. Could this be worrying her?
The other possibility is she is experimenting with other recreational drugs so doesn’t want to mix them. It might be good to check she isn’t doing that but once they are this age it is hard to to stop them. All you can do is make sure she keeps talking to you and if she admits to taking other things and refuses to stop make sure she is having them tested to make sure they are authentic.
Thank you so much for your thoughts, and I think you could be right. When my daughter started meds just over a year ago, she was worried they would change her personality and that she would become 'boring' - but we persuaded her she would be just as much fun (which she was) and she enjoyed the benefits for a year. It's when she left home to go to uni she stopped taking them. I told her doc that she was drinking (freshers fun) and that I wasn't sure if she was trying recreational drugs and asked him to talk to her which he did. Initially I thought she was trying drugs and therefore didn't want to mix, but she's spent quite a lot of time at home and I don't think she is (could be wrong). I'm wondering if she is having difficulty accepting her ADHD and realising that it's going to be long term and rejecting meds as she's in denial and doesn't want to be different. Why does your son worry that his personality will change? Meds worked so well for my daughter, it's so worth trying if possible. Thanks again.
he says everyone he knows that take them are “weird.” I’m not sure quite what he means by that. It might just mean they aren’t partying enough
I have him taking Hardys daily essential vitamins with added vitamers now. These micronutrients have been studied in kids with adhd for a long time now and seem to help him feel better. My husband has Parkinson’s and they also help him.
Thank you so much. I wonder if my daughter has encountered someone who thinks it's 'weird' too - that would definitely affect her too. 'm going to look into the Hardys. Thanks again for your help.
This is the first time your daughter has been living independently, yes? That's the age and the experience that leads to introspection. She's figuring out who she is. And yes, that often comes with some hardship.
Medication isn't just a medical decision, it can also be a spiritual journey, in the sense that she's figuring out if medication is part of her identity, and if it does, how that fits in with her idea of who she is.
It's not just ADHD. First year of college is often when adherence to medication slips, even with essential medication like insulin and anti-rejection meds. If you google "Pat Deegan the trouble with compliance" you might get an inkling of what your daughter is experiencing.
It'sno t just "Does the medication have side effects?" Or "Does the medication help her ADHD?". It's also things like:
Is it hard to stick to a medication schedule in her down life?
Does she have a friend who is highly judgemental about ADHD meds?
Does she feel that people will treat her differently if they learn about her diagnosis?
The reality is that the more you push, the more she will push back. It's the social version of Newton's first law. Look at some literature about motivational interviewing for some tips.
University was hard for me (I was actually diagnosed with ADHD myself in my first year), even when I enjoyed it. I survived by finding some good friends and study partners/groups. If I'm accountable to or helping friends I'm far more likely to put the work in.
Try to be an active listener, and encourage her to stay connected to medical folks and support services. Look up "How to ADHD university" and you'll likely find Jessica's video on college accomodation. Maybe watch it yourself and see if you feel it would be helpful for your daughter.
Surviving university is often more about learning how to operate as an independent adult than it is about the material. This is an important time for her to figure out what she needs and how to get it. Be a good problem solver and logistics support, but try to avoid pushing a particular course of action, as it may cause her to resist that option, or you may not be seeing a reason they haven't done it. Instead, the closest to a suggestion that tends to be helpful is something like:
"What do you think about x vs y?"
"If I were in your situation, I'd probably find x helpful. What is your go-to strategy for dealing with it?"
"What have you tried so far, and what helps/doesn't? What gets in the way of some of the things that helped in high school?"
Try to be a sounding board for her, and let her figure out what she needs. If she falters a bit in the process, hopefully she learns from it. Figuring out what works for her will be a skill that will be far more important for her to learn than any academic subject. I have had to reinvent my mental health care, time/priority management and personal resource management many times in my life, and I wouldn't get very far if I needed other people to figure it out for me each time. Instead, I think of solutions, and ask for help (often from my wife) when I feel stuck.
You CAN remind your daughter, however, that every successful person gets there by learning to rely on others. You are unlikely to see bill gates at the grocery store, or elon musk doing his own taxes. Learning to rely on the right people and technology for the things we struggle with lets us spend more time on the things we excel at. Bill gates and Steve Jobs have both said in the past that part of their success comes from never turning down a sincere offer of help.
Thank you so much for your thoughts - I have tried most approaches you suggest but your last paragraph is very enlightening. I think she is trying to do everything on her own since she left home , as she sees this as part of her independence and growing up. Your advice about everyone needing help and the Bill Gates reference is really helpful. Thank you much.
I highly recommend googling "Patricia Deegan The Trouble With Compliance"
Very rarely do people stop taking medication solely due to poor insight. The rate of non-compliance is the same whether you're talking about ADHD, anti-rejection meds, heart medication or diabetes management. Taking medication is complicated for many reasons, and your daughter may not even be consciously aware of her own reasons.
Hopefully she'll figure out what she needs, and/or find some good supportive friends at school (we can get the exact same advice from a friend as we got from our parents, and have totally different reactions as I'm sure you know)
All I can say I wish I had an opportunity to take medication for ADHD when I was at uni… I wouldn’t have failed first time round and then starting again as an adult… All the wasted years and money. You can tell your daughter that this is experience from an adult with ADHD.
Definitely I agree- no point making her take it. The fact that she actually is honest and says she won’t take it already means that she wants conversation about it. Otherwise she could have just been not taking it and not telling you…
Has your daughter ever rebelled against things? Or is it first time with the meds? Have you explored why she doesn’t want to take it following being compliant with it for 2 years? Could it be peers pressure- someone saying something unkind about the meds to her? Have you chatted with her if she wanted to try a different medication. For example there are some off licence antidepressants which supposedly are helpful in managing ADHD, maybe once she know other options, she’d agree to try something else.
Do you think she would benefit from a gap year? Doing travelling or working somewhere for a year to clear her head? My cousin did vineyard and farm work in South Africa for a year when she needed a break from everything. She travelled and worked- it was some kind of scheme for young people. I know there are also such schemes involving charity work like with children with AIDS etc. Coming from cosy Europe, this was an eye opener, she got her priorities right. She has had depressive episodes and even on meds in the past, but this experience of immersion in a different culture and seeing social inequality and all, she really pulled herself together, she is a teacher now, very fulfilled in her life. But she just needed that time to travel and clear her head.
Thank you so much for your reply. Your first sentence really struck a chord with me as it sums up everything I'm trying to help my daughter to avoid. I can see it happening so clearly in so many aspects of her life, but at the moment I can't get through to her. Heartbreaking. She rebelled for the first time when she reached 18, she even warned us that she was going to 'do whatever she likes" when she hit 18 - and she did! The refusal to take meds followed soon afterwards, and she' won't discuss why or consider alternative meds, (yet). We would have loved her to take a gap year and volunteered abroad, but she didn't want to and to be honest she just isn't mature enough or steady enough without meds to cope - and in a way we are looking at this first year at uni as a gap year if things go wrong - as she is safe and growing up in her own way. We hope she will travel in the future, but meanwhile we will have to be patient and continue to support her in the hope she returns to meds. Many thanks again for your advice.
Indeed when my son turned 18 he said no more medications. He struggled through that last year of school. The dr and I were not pleased but it was his adult decision. He is now working and still has to stay focused. It's up to him now and he wants to do well so he puts his best effort forward. Sometimes you have to learn on your own. Even if kids fail a year and they do, it's not the end. They can go back and turn things around. It's just harder. I pray for my kids daily. Sometimes I think that's the only power I have is prayer.
Thank you so much for your reply and advice. Can I just ask, did your son start taking meds again when he started working? Or has he continued to push ahead without? Many thanks again
He has chosen to push himself, which they have to learn either way. If he decides to go back to school, he may need to think about meds again. He's an adult now whether I see him as one or not so it's his decision what he does.
Last thought from me…I don’t know if this is any comfort but if she got diagnosed at 16 and up to then she managed at school without medication, then it means her ADHD is milder (I did see somewhere that statistically the more severe ADHD the sooner it gets diagnosed, although girls are much better at masking, plus very intelligent girls at even more better at masking). So she is kind of in the top set- bright and developing her strategies for ADHD. I’d say, every young person has to rebel at some point about something. Part of growing up… It looks like she is lucky enough to have you supporting her on her growing up journey.
Another thought. She might have just been googling the meds and found some conspiracy research. If so you could ask to read it and teach her how to identify real scientific research from a reputable source from pseudoscience
Some of the other members have said a similar thing to what I will say. Your daughter will make her mind up.
One thing I used to struggle with, is the label. Is being on meds when others were not. The challenges that meds can bring when you drink alcohol (I know she can't legally drink)... All of this will be rushing through her mind.
On top of this, she will know how amazing her parents are. The fact you care so much about her. But sometimes that added difficulties too (my dad was just the same to start with). Sometimes, her head will be spinning (I know mine did). Advice from parents and 1000 other things going on. All going into a mind of someone who is somewhere new and is developing.
I was blunt to my dad and said "just be there for me, I need this journey" he did just that.
It allowed me to figure out my journey and when I needed a hug he gave me one. I made a fair few errors too.
If your daughter does make a slight wrong turn at college, it isn't the end of the world. It will help develop her. Just give her a hug. Things will always become right. ADHD has so many super powers it's about understanding them. Only she can do that.
Quickly, I said it on another question else where. But I became a teacher. One day, I quit teaching (impulsivity)... I chucked away a career some may say. I didn't have another job to go into... (p.s. I love teachin gy dad gave me a hug... Room the breath.
Now for me I'm in a better career and am achieving things... My impulsivity made me take a detour. But I'm on the right road again.
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In terms of Meds, again personally and from experience, she will figure it out and let her go on this journey. I went off them and then I'm back on them again now. I fully understand in my own mind the benefits and why I'm on them... I'm now proud of my ADHD.
I know you are, but you should be so proud of your daughter! She will do amazing things. She is doing amazing thing. Make sure she knows your proud.
ADHD is a super power. You just need to learn how to use it.
Hi COX10. Thanks so much for your reply, and for sharing your thoughts. I was deeply touched reading your experiences as you've described my daughter as she is now, so accurately and with such empathy. And you've given me insights I desperately needed in order to support her the best I can. I've always known it must be so hard to accept this (long term) diagnosis, and I know my daughter is finding it very hard to be 'different' now she is living independently and trying to fit in at uni. Drink definitely comes into it (and she can legally drink here in the UK) - but mostly I think she's testing herself. I can see she's pushing herself to the limit to see if she can manage without meds at all - and the problem is, that because she isn't really doing any work, is rejecting mentor help at uni and is going out most nights - she's not really testing at all. She doesn't accept that meds help when life is tough, when things needs to be done, when she needs focus and tolerance - and I suspect she will continue on this road until the pressure of work increases and she has more arguments with friends and family (meds significantly help her mood and relationships) before she really starts to question if she can manage without at all. It's so hard to watch and do nothing! But you're right, and I'm especially grateful to you for reinforcing the only action her dad and I can take, is to let her go on this journey and just be there to support her when needed. Thanks again, I really appreciate your help.
Most first year's have the mentality that 'it doesn't count'... I know I did. So, you use the time to test. To experience new things and ultimately enjoy being away from home! Knowing that all you need to do is pass.
One thing I struggled with was leaving essays until the last day... But again, it's an ADHD trait, and I found it was my best work. You go into hyper focus days.
I burnt out a fair bit. I broke down a fair bit, but you then got back up. It's those times when the support and the little gifts which bring a smile help!
I'm making assumptions and based on my experience (so obviously, it isn't gospel), but one day, for me, it clicked. I'm sure it will work for her too!
Perhaps, give her the resources to make the decisions independently, discreetly, and privately. So she can take the steps at the pace that works for her mind and without any external pressures for factors.
I've said before I stopped my medication once. I started again privately at my own pace and asked people the questions I wanted to. Then when I was ready and accepted it, I told the broader people.
Same with support at Uni. I needed it, but again I applied for DSA and used some academic support myself and without anyone else knowing. I did this so I didn't feel judged and felt I could achieve something on my own.
I'm not encouraging her to hide stuff from you. But to remove some of the pressure that she may perceive from you and also her friends etc.
Again all my own experience. Talking so openly. Took a long while.
Hi EJ_C. Many thanks for your reply. This all makes sense, and your advice regarding leaving the support in place for my daughter to access if and when she is ready - is something I've been forced into by her behaviour - but now I see is the right thing to do. So, I've made sure she has access to meds, to her therapist (who she has just chosen to stop seeing), her psych, and the DSA mentor support at uni - so it's all there if she wants it. I knew the right thing to do was to leave her - but it's so hard as a mum to stop 'helping' when I see her struggling. Some of her impulsive behaviour is dangerous too, so that's the bigger challenge - but again, she isn't at home so I can't see her to 'save' her. I just hear about it afterwards, which is terrifying! My biggest concern is that she isn't interested in anything anymore, apart from going out and her phone, which I'm told is lack of focus without the meds along with coping with a new and independent life. I pray she has the same experience as you and it 'clicks' into place for her. It must be so hard navigating all the changes and challenges with ADHD, but she knows we are here for her for whatever she needs. I just hope that's enough for now. Thanks again for taking the time - you've no idea how much it helps. I'm very grateful.
It is fine. I guess, I'm sorry for my dad too for what I'm about to say. But the thing I needed most and still to this day... Is him being there to pick me up.
Without judgement and without telling me I was stupid. Not being a parent, I can't imagine how hard it is and seeing your perspective is an eye-opener. But you need to be strong too. Be there when she comes crashing down. It will probably happen. But for me even now, my home and my dad is my stability, it is the one thing that doesn't change.
The doing something stupid, again I don't know your daughter and obviously everyone is different... Even those without ADHD do some silly stuff at Uni. I've done stuff I hope my dad never finds out 🤣. Again that is growing up. She will do things to protect you too.
I probably said this earlier but one recommendation is to look at having conversations or doing stuff which does not involve uni, or ADHD etc. One thing that I struggle with the bombardment of questions with things already on my mind. Which then I get grumpy or hide etc. Because I can't handle those questions.
What sort of subject is she studying? Only reason why I ask, is some as you continue to give you more stability in uni work.
Thanks again for your reply. And yes I agree, the most important way to help my daughter is to be there for her and pick her up - and boy do we have to do that! We talk to her about many subjects, as now we don't mention the ADHD meds unless she brings it up indirectly. Agreed uni behaviour can be silly, but she pushes everything to the limit. Every time. So many all nighters, then lying in bed all the next day. It's hard to watch her have no interest or focus. She was so sporty at school, is really good at football but refuses to join anything at uni. I've tried so hard, but can't mention this anymore as it makes things worse. She is studying a music subject. She loves music, plays piano, but again has no interest in anything but her phone and going out. Hopefully she will settle as time goes on. Many thanks again.
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