Wow...son with inattentive ADHD just turned 18..don't feel he's ready for the world. I've protected him :(

[ChristinaR1967]

I've been on this board since 2014. Son was in the 8th grade. Started struggling, tried Methiphenydate (sp) and Vyvanse. Both made him very sick. Didn't work. Freshman year went OK. He was not medicated. 10th grade year was going badly, he was failing. Then the pandemic happened and virtual learning was a saving grace! He was able to work at his own pace and I helped him with his schoolwork. His D's and F's went to A's and B's! Stayed on virtual because it was working so well. Feared Covid and untreated ADHD would harm him, so he has been on virtual his senior year. He has completed all his credits and is now going back this 4th quarter to graduate with his class. Planning to go to a local college part-time. He's not ready for the real world at all! I feel like a failure. Now he's an adult (on paper) and I don't know what to do. He is our only child. Complaining all the time that his body hurts, has no motivation. Stays home and plays his video games all the time. Hoping for some socialization these last few months. He seems to be more motivated when he gets around his peers. I pray to God everyday.

[Seagull90]

Hi, I empathize. The struggle is real. I have been reaching out to get help for my 16 year old. I think that it the best you can do. Seek professional help for him.

[MaudQ]

I’m not sure anyone is really ready for the real world at 18. Also factor in that kids with ADHD are a few years behind the curve. I second what the first commenter said about getting him professional help. If he could do the schoolwork at home, he has the capacity for academics. It sounds like there needs to be a process where he starts to take ownership of his path. A good therapist can help with this. No motivation and body aches are signs of depression, so I’d look into that, too. I wouldn’t expect change to happen right away - just focus on getting it started. Covid took a big bite out of our kids’ lives. It’s pretty understandable that he has emotions around going back to school. Don’t beat yourself up - you got your kid through a pandemic and most of high school. And he did too - that’s a huge victory.

[Lingerly]

First--you are not a failure! You've done everything that is right and appropriate for your son. The pandemic has impacted all young adults--there is a significant mental health crisis at colleges and universities.

Attending the local college part-time is a good ease-in for the next stage of his life. My son waited a semester to go the local community college and then kept to 9-12 credits. He's almost 21 and still doesn't drive but has transferred to our local R1 university (his preferred school) and now, at mid-semester, seems to be finding his stride.

It may be a good time to revisit a treatment plan. Know that it may take a few adjustments to get the dosage right. Better to work with a psychiatrist than a GP. Additionally, the psychiatrist may need to treat him for anxiety and/or depression as well as the ADD. (It's very likely that the pains he is feeling in his body is connected to this.) Co-morbidities are pretty common.

Take full advantage of every accommodation available at the college. You will probably need to continue to advocate on his behalf even into the start of college--and that is OKAY! Kids don't become adults overnight. You will see small wins along the way. Focus on these. By 25 he will most likely be caught up to his neurotypical peers.

We are rooting for your family!

[LoveTheWild]

Hello, I feel for you. My daughter is 19 and was just diagnosed and I have had the exact same thoughts. I'm not sure she can function in the world on her own yet. Not quite sure how she is going to get there as we are just in the beginning stages of figuring this out. I keep telling myself one step at a time. I can't tell you how many nights I've cried trying to figure out what to do.

Not sure I have advice for you. But I do have empathy and sympathy for you. And want to remind you are not a failure. You are not a failure. He will get there. One step at a time.

❤️

[BTV65]

I'm totally there with you. Our son started college this year and it has been going pretty horribly. Same thoughts. We failed. We didn't prepare him for this. I was panicking all last summer about these things. I wish I could say it all worked out. Not yet though. (sigh)

The only good news is that it is forcing him to grow and mature. Nothing like being thrown in the deep end of the pool to learn to swim...

[BoyMother in reply to BTV65]

My son graduated May of 2021 at the age of 25. He excelled at certain subjects but others were extremely stressful. He now has an insane amount of loan debt, has had multiple jobs that or may not require H.S. graduation and he continues to get fired from them.His life has been miserable and I constantly question whether or not I made a mistake pushing him in that direction. His social life is a disaster too. I don’t know how to help him.

[BTV65 in reply to BoyMother]

There was a thread a couple weeks ago where a lot of us were speaking up about our "teens" and the difficulties. These problems rolled right into young adulthood.

My brother had ADHD. Of course there was no such diagnoses back in the 70s. No meds. I'm telling you he had it. Full on classic case. He struggled through school, but graduated. Got into plenty of trouble. Fights, car accidents, drugs, drinking... Gotta say I'm surprised he lived through it all. However, around 24? 25? it started to calm down. He stopped moving from job to job and apartment to apartment. He got his life together, joined AA and NA. Got married, had kids and in general, has been a pretty upstanding and productive member of society since 26 (he's about 62 now).

Of course his kids were a mess...

My point? There is a limit to how much we can do. We can't stop loving them. We can't stop hurting, watching them struggle so hard and fail. We can't live their lives for them. At some point, you have to let go and let them take ownership of their own lives.

FYI - I am *NOT* following this advice yet. Mine is only 18 and I'm still trying to do everything I can to help and guide him to a better life. At some point I'll have to stop though. That day just hasn't gotten here yet.

[HoldingonLou]

I know exactly how you feel. Mine is 18 and I know he is not ready. I am still trying to do what I can to prepare him even though I know there is so much more I could of/should of done. It is what is is. You do what you can. Pray for them. And be there for them when they need you. Mine is not college bound but he has no idea what a real 40 hour job is. He thinks if he works 2 shifts at burger king, he is set. Gonna be eye opening.

[BTV65 in reply to HoldingonLou]

"I know there is so much more I could of/should of done"

Is there really though? Yes, I'm sure in hindsight with more information, we might have found times where we should have dug in and fought with them, forcing them to do something when we still had that control. Other times, perhaps we should have backed off and let things be rather than escalating it into a fight over something that wasn't going to make a difference in the long run. In the moment though, we have to make a decision. We have to use what we know at the time and just choose a path. It's one thing to review your decisions after the fact, learn from them so you can do better next time. It's another thing entirely to continue to dwell on the past and what "might have been".

My wife and I were at odds over this. I leaned more towards letting go of the wheel and letting them make some of their own choices and mistakes while trying to keep a close eye on them so I could step in when I felt it was needed. She did not want them to stumble or fall and felt I should have always kept a guiding hand on them the whole way. Now that he's 18 and struggling on his own, I keep thinking back and wondering what I could have done differently to get him to 'step up' and be more independent. I still don't see a clear path to that goal.

In the end, we have to be OK with forgiving ourselves, knowing we did the best we could with what we had and knew at the time.

[Allirose]

I can also relate! I have a son who just turned 18 and thinks he can do as he pleases and says it’s because “he’s an adult” and to treat him as such. The problem is he’s also NOWHERE CLOSE to being a self sufficient, responsible adult. He also lacks motivation in doing his homework or anything around the house. I know that he can do well in school but I worry because he is failing two of his classes right now and he needs these to graduate! It does sound like your son may benefit from an antidepressant. That may help with his lack of motivation. My son has been on medication (Vyvanse) since he was in third grade which has helped a lot. You could always try another medication or dosage if your son is open to it?

My son is also seeing a counselor which I think might help your son as well as he can vent and tell things to them that he might not to parents.I feel your pain. I worry and wonder if I should have been more strict with mine growing up but I think the most important thing is to let our kids know that we love them and that we are there for them and hope things will get easier as they get older and mature. His doctor also said that wouldn’t happen until around age 25… ugh.

Hang in there and best of luck to you!

[sceller in reply to Allirose]

I just had to reply to the "I'm an adult now" comment! My son is 27 and I have to laugh every time I hear this. I've posted here several times about the problems of parenting an ADHD "adult". It is true that their brains are pretty much "cooked" at age 25 but not entirely......! And I have to say that I don't believe that being overly strict ever works - we tried that with really bad results. Vyvanse was the medication that worked the best for our son. Unfortunately, his health insurance does not cover Vyvanse, so he's med-free for now. One last comment is that our kids must at least graduate from high school. Almost all jobs require this now - even the fast food ones. So really try and get your son through high school. College is another matter.....!