I'm new here, just had a meeting today with my daughter's school about her new ADHD diagnosis and I feel like I'm struggling....she's had issues since she was young, but of course I made excuses.....she's got a lot of energy....she'll grow out of it.....but it just progressed into a now struggling to keep up in 7th grade with everything. Her doctor just put her on meds, and this was a huge hesitation and fear of mine; she's so artistic and creative and I didn't want her to turn into a zombie kid. She doesn't draw as much now, doesn't paint any and the meds she just told me "aren't working, I need a higher dose." I found myself crying in this teachers meeting for her school because they were talking so down on her for missing classes, and "not trying" when it came to school work....but on this end I see a kid shutting down because she has A MILLION thoughts going through her head and she's being told she isn't trying hard enough. I cried because I see her trying, I see her struggling, I see the look in her eyes....and the saddest thing is I see her feeling her fail herself! I now feel like I'm failing my daughter as a mother because I can't help her.....I can't keep her organized...I can't keep her on track....and I forced these meds onto her and it's done the thing I feared the most.....I lost my outgoing, spunky, fun loving, creative, bubbly daughter.....I need to help her and I need to know that this isn't a forever thing....
So I'm hoping to connect with parents who have walked in my shoes, and I need to know how I help her.
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My 16 year old daughter is also one of the super creative and artistic types. We had to start meds in middle school, as the wheels were coming off with her inability to remember to turn her work in. I know the grief in seeing her lose that spark in her eyes. This year she has been through the wringer with the pandemic isolation and virtual school platform which is NOT adhd friendly at all. My formerly all pre-AP and AP student is now on the verge of failing because of the lack of structure. I know this is not any consolation, BUT I will say that since last year she has picked her copic markers back up and is doing amazing character drawings. She is also learning very cool digital animation and Adobe After Effects.
I think middle school in general makes most kids self-conscious, and for artists, putting pen to paper is a more restrained or even hidden hobby. We are lucky that she is in a magnet high school for the arts now, so the teachers are quite familiar with creatives and the adhd accommodations were easy to come by. Are you in a town with an arts magnet school? That might give her a goal to work towards? School is still a huge struggle for mine because no matter how much extra time they give her, she will procrastinate until the very end, and will even miss the grading period deadlines which they can't change.
We have had to change meds a few times and we still haven't found the perfect combination, but we have found that stimulants don't agree with her. She's on Straterra which isn't very effective, and is taking Guanfacine to help alleviate the tics that started when she was on Vyvanse. She's been on Zoloft since January and she's about to go up a little on that dose because her anxiety is through the roof thanks to the school pressure. I hate that we have to drug our kids to make them fit in this little box that was not designed for them.
I try to remind her this is temporary and that she will be brilliant in a career that benefits from her natural inclinations, but she will still have to work on coping mechanisms to make up for her weak executive functioning. We've just hired a study coach to try to motivate her and help her set up some organizational tools. He's almost like a life coach for teens, explaining the why's and big picture behind the little every day decisions. I remember our pediatrician telling me when she was in middle school that teens need a non-parent during these years to help with school, because they will only hear criticism in our voices. I just want to love on her and encourage her, and fuss over the usual things like dirty laundry, and not have her grow up with my voice as that forever inner critic.
Lord this sounds like my daughter to a T!!! She drew me such an inspirational piece of art that I got it tattooed on my arm! But the struggle that she feels inside is something that neither I or her doctor can seem to help her with. We just moved to a new town and now on top of struggling to cope with her own mind she doesn't know anyone in her virtual classes and she even just told me that she wants to quit band because she doesn't know anyone and doesn't feel like she fits in.........my heart broke when she told me this!! She is musically inclined and is soooooo talented! I would hate to see her throw this all away over being new in school. I'm trying to learn ways to help her feel like she fits in....but I'm seeing her struggle and it's heart breaking
Ugh, my son just started 9th grade at a new school and wanted to quit band for the same reason. He really cannot quit because he would lose his credit, but he's finally getting a little more adjusted. He also said the kids in one of his virtual classrooms are just now finally warming up and talking to one another. I think they are all super anxious in this new environment and it will take some getting used to. In our school district (Houston ISD), 40% of the students have at least 2 F's. It's horrible, but makes me feel like the schools have to know something has got to give or they will be dealing with major consequences for years.
Has your daughter watched any of the "How to ADHD" youtube videos? They are great for teens and pretty entertaining.
We just moved to a new city in NC and the school actually doesn't allow students to drop elective classes, which I am SO grateful for! I would hate to see such talent wasted. She spends a lot of time on youtube but I doubt she's watched that. I will have to recommend she do so. Virtual learning has definitely become a nightmare for her! She doesn't sleep well at night, and I've tried to use sleep aids but she says they don't help. We have an appt with her PCP on Friday and I hope to get some guidance from her on how to better help. I just feel so useless to my daughter. I find myself sometimes saying "it isn't hard" to which her reply is always "for you" and I'm instantly taken back and realize just how right she is. I'm a very organized person and I use calendars and sticky notes to help me keep things together. I tried to push these things onto her and I just see them not working time and time again.....I hope with the guidance of the school counselors I can help make middle school life, especially in a new school, just a lot easier for her.
Mine had a lot of trouble going to sleep at night in the beginning, so we had to start making her take her meds super early in the morning in order for them to wear off in time, but it still didn't help much. She switched to Vyvanse from Adderall, which was better. The Adderall caused huge crashes and mood swings, especially when we would let her take breaks on weekends and holidays. Puberty was a big factor as well, and my poor girl had the world's worst PMS, often causing her to miss school or sleep late. She's now on 4th month of birth control pills and the PMS and cramps are much, much more tolerable.
I totally rely on my Daytimer and two separate whiteboards, and got a lot of pushback every time I tried to get her to use a calendar. Her dad is a gadget guy and wanted her to keep track of everything on google calendar, but if you do that, a gazillion distractions get in the way. I bought this academic planner this year for both kids, and even their "never paper" dad is on board with it. amazon.com/gp/product/B0876...
I hope your counselor is able to help you. Our schools are so large that the counselors don't really do much more than triage it seems. And hopefully she will make at least one good non-toxic friend. That will make all the difference.
They said they have a 504 plan that she would qualify for, which gives her extra time on assignments and preferred seating IF they go back to face to face classes and I really appreciate this but I just don't feel like this is the answer for her. Even with extra time she will stress being the last one done, or just rushing through it because it's what she's used to. I would love to get into some support groups, and I would love for her to be included, but she's at the stage in 13 ville where she stays secluded in her room a lot, doesn't eat a whole lot, sleeps off and on during the day so we're talking to her doctor Friday to see what changes we can make. Fingers crossed she has helpful advice
I am standing in your shoes and you in mine. You are so not alone! My son was diagnosed in June but took a drastic turn with his performance in school in 5th grade. He is now in 9th. At first the counselors said my bright, easy-going, straight A boy was dealing w anxiety and panic attacks. Then we found out he had a spasm behind his eyes and visual processing issues. Over the past three years he’s been all over the map with grades, pulling up Ds and Fs to last minute Bs, Cs and Ds. The teachers beaded him the same way — uncaring, lazy, spacey, unfocused — but not one gave any indication that perhaps a evaluation was in order. And in the meantime, my charismatic, confident, school-loving son became an unmotivated student with low self-esteem who sees no point of going to school. He is on Straterra now. The doc wants him on a stimulant, too, but he had such intense side effects that We decided to wait on that for awhile and focus on skill development for now. Things are starting to improve but he requires hand holding every day in every class with every assignment. I feel like I have a new full-time job. My mom is helping him now, too, he has a tutor, and I am looking to hire a therapist/coach. The heartache I carry and tears I have shed watching my son try and fail is indescribable. What has helped me the most is learning more about ADHD so I can discern between what his real struggles are and what is just him being a lazy teen. It’s hard to decipher between what’s a lie and what’s a coping mechanism, what’s inability versus laziness, etc. Learning more about him has opened my eyes to things that I also struggle with, two of them being organization and overwhelm. How am I supposed to be able to empower him when I struggle with this myself? So now I am looking into support services for both of us. Education has been the thing that has benefitted us both the most. The more I learn about ADHD, the more empathy and compassion I feel and the better job I do at staying calm and connected with him. In the end, that connection piece is what I think is critical to them maintaining a positive sense of self. I am sending you the biggest hug!!!!
Yes this is my struggle also!! I feel like all I do is get onto her about this missing assignment and that missing assignment, I feel like I've become the negative enforcer during this virtual learning and it's putting a wedge between her and I. I try so hard to come to her and make small talk but I just get attitude because in her words "you only bother me when it's about school work". I walk on egg shells most days because I don't want to upset her, and I know I only want whats best for her but know that she absolutely just doesn't see it this way. I've started reading articles about how to assert positivity while discussing school work and I don't see an impact yet but I've decided to continue it because I feel like she will eventually come around and realize I absolutely only want to see her succeed!!
Just curious if you know about the podcast " parenting adhd" by Penny Williams, she helped me so much! Hope you enjoy her shows. She has guest speakers who really teach about what the real ADHD is.. Thanks for sharing
Hello, welcome and you are not alone at all. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. I went through all these same things with my 13 y.o. boy with ADHD. He was diagnosed in kindergarten. The IEP process started around that time. He has been on about 5-6 different medications with many side effects (lethargic, zombie-like, sleeping all day, no appetite, mood swings.....) I really saw no improvement in his school performance so I eventually stopped all meds. He scored low in almost all areas throughout school. There were times the teachers, principals, special education liasons and tutors he had would talk down to him, belittle him and create a state of helplessness, depression and unworthiness for both of us. I totally feel your pain. It can be a never-ending battle.
The saving grace for me is that since March, I have been working from home and he has virtual learning. I am able to oversee what is going on, where he struggles and am able to provide 1:1 support some days. He now has an incredible special education instructor he sees for 3.5 hours/week who is amazing, supportive, understanding and makes learning fun. I am glad my son has time during the school day to engage and feel appreciated, respected and cared about by someone.
My advice to you is if you feel the medications are not working, inform the doctor so they can either adjust dosage amounts, times or change to a new med. There are so many available and worth trying. Find her a hobby she may enjoy that does not require her to sit for long periods. Get her involved in an outdoor activity where she can burn off the restlessness. If you are able to find a virtual therapist that is helpful also, for yourself as well. Hang in there. It is all a never-ending process. We just find ways to adapt and cope and reach out to others when we cannot manage everything by ourselves anymore. Take care.
I'm happy to hear that you found a way to make your days better....we have an appt on Friday with her doc to talk about medication adjustments and lack of sleep and for the first time since the official diagnosis she opened up and told me she thinks her medication needs to be adjusted. I love that she is opening up to me.....I for the first time feel like she and I connected.....sounds like the tiniest thing but it was a moment for us. I need more of those
I know this sounds crazy.. but has she found something she loves outside of school? This has really helped our son. Our son is very capable of getting good grades, but without sports he would never make it. He must have balance and we support that in many ways. We are so happy you found this site and can share your wonderful child with us.
She was playing softball pre-covid. Her school team got to play one game and actually made the play of the game with a heck of a fly ball catch. She needs to find something, art was her thing but even now I see that she doesn't do that much. For her bday last year we got her private art lessons with our tattoo artist and she seemed to enjoy that and then she just didn't seem to enjoy it anymore. I'd love to hear some ideas of things your children do to vent some frustrations.
I know for us since our son was so athletic we exposed him to multiple sports. If you have a local parks and recreation dept. Many see if there are short classes ( maybe cooking, bread threading, photography, etc.. ) maybe 3D drawing.. The balance is so important. Living with ADHD and struggling in school is really painful to find joy in something could really help.
There is an essential oil l order that contains vetiver that may help by edens garden,vetiver as a single oil stinks 😷 so l buy it blended... anyhow check out this review from a forum l learn about natural healing.... ..Vetiver Oil Posted by Stormy Frank (Pueblo, Co) on 09/30/2012
5 out of 5 stars
hi all, for about 2 years we have been trying different treatment for my grandson who has adhd, every since he started school he has had a hard time staying on track. We have had to remove him several times from class, because he was so distracting to the other kids. We have tried several treatments short of ritalin. I feel that drug is not for young children. The side effects are horrible. So in my quest I have come across vetiver oil. We have had him on it for a few days now and it is like night and day, I just cant believe it. It is like he is a totally different child. He just inhales the fumes a few times a day, and I rub some under his chin at night. It is just unbelievable!!!! Just thought I would share this with those of you out there at the end of your rope. Who refuse to let your child be put on those drugs!
If l were you l would research the benefits of raw goat milk or Meyenberg pasteurized goat milk (warmed) Meyenberg goat milk is a blessing ...also cherries for natural melatonin,raw manuka honey and FGO chamomile tea sweetened with maple syrup,so relaxing 😴
Clearly, with all the responses, you are not alone. And it's evident that you are doing everything you can to help your daughter. So, hang in there and keep searching, you will find something that works for you both. One thing I noticed, you didn't mention counseling or play therapy for her.
I have 3 kids and a spouse with ADHD and we have found that medication works for some, but not others. My oldest daughter has not been medicated for ADD, but did go to a counselor for 2 years age 12 to 14. She's now 16 and does well without medication at all. She's had all the same complications you mentioned and I noticed her struggling in elementary school. So we made the decision to pull her from public school when she got to middle school and homeschooled her completely at home for one year and then found a homeschooling co-op after that - now she does that an dual credit at the community college. She too is an artist and in musical theatre and dance. She used art a lot as a coping method when she had a lot of anxiety. She found counseling to be a great opportunity to talk about her feelings and sort through them without having to feel like she was disappointing me or her dad. We supported her artistic expression by finding her some art classes both on-line and in person. Eventually she found art tutorials on youtube for what she wanted to learn and taught herself what she wanted to learn. She's involved in a theatre group and performs regularly. She really "blossomed" at age 14 and really overcome the challenges of ADD. She has the mildest case of all my kids.
Now my two other children are very different. My son was diagnosed at age 5 and takes Vyvanse and had 2 years of play therapy - which was mostly me in training on how to work with him at home and with his teachers. I really worried about his sweet and bubbly personality changing after medication, but it didn't. And the therapy really was "magical" on so many levels. But I'm not sure therapy alone would have worked. He needed the medication in order to be able to focus on the therapy sessions. We found therapy books to be a great help too with learning to read social cues.
My 2nd daughter is very different and wasn't diagnosed until AFTER little brother, and at the age of 11. She is NOT hyper at all. But will zone out when overwhelmed and not be able to concentrate on her work and instead day dream. We haven't done RX medication with her yet. But we have tried DMAE, Inositol and fish oil. It's not as effective as RX but it does help. We have done counseling too, which really helps with her anxiety. Again it's an outlet for working through her emotions. We moved last year and are between counselors, and she's been asking to see one again. She's 12 years old now. And that seems to be a big age for anxiety with girls. So we will go back to that in the near future and I suspect it will be two years, just like her big sister.
I should mention all of my kids are now homeschooled now. They were doing great but COVID has really messed with their social outlets, so we are struggling a bit now. We do have outings, but not as many. And they are becoming more worried about catching the virus, and waffle between wanting to go to events and staying home. So all my kids might be in therapy via zoom before this pandemic is over.
Middle school is the worst! Kids are growing, hormones add to the mix, and meds need more adjusting. Hang in there. Also your child should qualify for an IEP right now. We did my grandson's latest IEP meeting on Zoom. Schools like 504 's better because they do not require as much work but they also don't give the student as much support.
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