Hi all! So my 11yo stepdaughter just doesn't seem to be grasping how her behaviors and choices are the reason we are so often frustrated with her. My hubs feels we are just frustrated or yelling at her constantly - and while I don't disagree, it does feel as though if we don't act immediately on her action, that she doesn't put the pieces together. Then the next day it's as if she's forgotten any of it ever happened and we are on repeat. Same behaviors, no change from yesterday's consequence, so we try something new... Next day, same behavior... We're at a loss for how to get through to her. Suggestions?
This also happens a lot with her listening... she will ask a question, then stop listening. We don't double and triple check that she has heard us b/c typically, if someone asks a question and then doesn't hear the answer, they'll say something like "sorry, I didn't hear you" ...but then she gripes on our toddler to use her listening ears... while ironically she isn't using her own. I know ADHD has a tendency to hold kids about 2-3 years younger mentally than their physical age, however I feel like there are some areas of her behavior that are almost like a 5-6 year old... or younger. I am just not sure how to keep on like this... especially as her hormones start to kick in. Helps.
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MidnightButterfly
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I know I don't speak for the ADHD community, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that we all have the same experiences, it's more like the norm. I have two sons with different ADHD, and the one thing they have in common is that I can repeat the same thing over and over and over. I have asked the same question what happen to the experiences, we just went over that. My sons will soon be 17 and 15, and it's like at night something removes the learning experience and the next day they repeat themselves like they never even learned from the consequences. For me, I'm trying to pick my battle, trying not to comment on everything, I 'm not doing such a good job with this, but it always presence in my mind. It is so frustrating, however; it takes them awhile for it to take, I have to be patience and wait on their time and not on my time. I know I have to come up with a different approach, look at the things I do and God have giving me chances after changes. Thank you for the topic, it helps us as parents and allow us to talk out loud to help each other.
Thanks for your post.. Big hugs for learning to deal with this.
We hear your frustration in the post.
BUT.. Imagine living in a word where everyone did the same thing you are doing: Parents, Teachers, siblings. That you never "got it" right no matter how hard you tried. I think this is how our children feel...
I would suggest you help give your step child all of the tools they need ( therapy, medication and the best educational plan) and some form of exercise/something they enjoy outside of the house and school.
Then know this is how they function and try to learn to adapt life to them.
I don't want this message to come across as negative, we all have the same frustrations and just know that this is the way these kids are.
We also remember to say "I LOVE YOU", everyday so our son can feel that.
Life has been a challenge and will continue to be harder for them, more than children without ADHD.
Hope this helps. It does get much better as they grow and mature!
It helps and I do... She's actually talking with her counselor now... The main issue is "I don't know how" ...and I don't know how to teach her... mainly that she needs to think about things beyond the immediate moment. She needs to see the consequences of things, both good and bad... and with practice, she can see those before she ever acts... Her issue more is that she just doesn't seem to care to make any changes. She does as she pleases. To heck with whatever the punishment will be and while she loves attention and praise - those perks don't get her to do the "good" things more often. I can't forcer her to prioritize things that need to be more important... she needs to choose to do that. I can show her how, but ultimately I can't make her do it... She needs to want to try, and I really don't see her do that. While I do understand the difficult life she has - more often than not, she is simply floating through the day rather than putting effort into the things she needs to be working on...
I'm sure I sound like an ass. I'm just to a point of little patience and not sure how else to help her.
Unfortunately...your view on her is that you are comparing her to a Neuro-typical kid and she is not. Her brain is different. You assume she like other kids and is capable of doing all that. Also, school, life gets much harder with middle school ( 6-7 teachers) then high school.
Having her see a counselor/thearpist is a great step.
What she really needs to feel is love and acceptance...
I guess I don't understand how when she has shown me she is capable of things... then "forgets" that she is supposed to be doing those things... I am the one that needs to understand her brain is different and that's the reason for her situation.
Here's an example that happened just now... We are working on Khan Academy to refresh ourselves on math for the upcoming school year. She willingly told me that she was working on her 2 modules for the day since she'd finished with her counselor. She was up in her room for another hour or more, then comes down and says she did a bunch, but is going to save some harder things for later. I couldn't get the dashboard up to see what she'd done immediately, so I believe her on her word and outside she goes. Now, I see the dashboard, and she spent 2 minutes in 1 set of questions and didn't answer any of them. So is the ADHD the reason she told me she was working on it? Is the ADHD the reason she lied about how much she had done?
I get it that she would rather be outside playing. I am not asking her to do anything beyond her abilities generally. She is a very bright kid and shows it daily - yet when it is something she doesn't want to do, she chooses to lie about it - and no matter the consequence, she will do it again the next time. She even accepted my praise for being on top of her math for the day and getting it worked through. Yet it was all a lie.
The example you gave is exactly ADHD. A Neuro-typical child would have sat down worked on the work for however long it took ( because they do not 1. get distracted, 2. can sustain tasks that are challenging 3. are not already thinking ahead 4. it may not be as challenging for them as her). Children with ADHD are over confident and think they know something, more than they really know something.
But her... the way her brain works is she is "thinking ahead" or hyperfocused on the next thing she really has the interest to do. When children find the school tasks not relevant or important they will spend very little time on it, to get to what "they" really want to do.
If I were in your shoes, of course this took YEARS ( I am no expert! Just a mom with many years of the same experiences and a good therapist) to learn.. I would not even ask what she had done. I would have her show me the work. This avoids all the blame and fighting. You could even remind her as she is working that the two of you will be going over it together when she is done. This is very common avoidance behavior.
Please also reward her when she does the work and reward for good quality work. Tell her if you work X amount of time you will be done ( children with ADHD are time blind) as long as it is done well. Then it tells her brain " this task is not going to take that long" so I can get onto what I really want to do.
I think if you view her from "a different lens", then you will not be looking for how she is going to get away with, or not do X.
Please also find ways to let her brightness shine... whatever she loves and is skilled at use that as your carrot.
I totally get the wanting to look ahead at something more attractive to do or the shiny object in the corner rather than doing math... The trouble is in the lying.
We do usually work on things together... however with school starting as distance learning, she needs to be able to work in her own space. Working in the common areas of the house is too distracting for her (cats mainly) - so working in her room is best. She even added a comment about how nice her workspace is in her room when telling her fabricated story about the math. I do review work with her, and as I said on the dashboard of Khan I can see what she has done and how much time she has spent. I'm even fine if she puts in the effort, but fails miserably at it... JUST TRY!
When she came back in just now, we talked about it. She did all the math she was supposed to have gotten done earlier and it took her a total of 25 minutes. It was easy stuff for her. But before, she got lost on customizing her avatar instead.
I'm very familiar with the time blindness (my hubs, and both stepkiddos are ADHD) ...I have done so much reading and really changed my views a lot on her as the years have gone on... there are just some areas with her attitude and behavior that strike a nerve and I don't see the connection with her wiring. Even if she is not the 11yo kid we see physically - if her wiring puts her at 8 or 9... even kids that age learn the things we have been working on. I don't expect her to be infallible - hell, am not either - what I do expect of her though is that she tries, that she puts in some effort to be part of our family and be respectful. She wants and expects that of others, and sees when it isn't there... I'm just at a loss as to how to help her learn these lessons.
Oh, and the flippant behavior applies to even the things she loves... tumbling will become a meh activity if it relies on her doing her work that she doesn't want to do. We've done prize bags, monetary rewards, point charts, special dates with us... all of it works for a couple weeks and then the shine is gone and the effort wanes. Back to life as usual. I'm exhausted.
Of course that type of behavior carries over, this is the way she is made up.
I hear that you are also "researched out", I have been there.
But I will pass on a great podcast( let me know if you need help with this), which really changed the len I see children with ADHD through.
It is "Parenting ADHD", by Penny Williams- she has a Sophomore in high school but she discusses many topics that really helped me and it's free, she also had great speakers on certain topics, I really enjoyed learning her perspective on punishment and executive functioning.
Great to throw out ideas for you to mull over..
The group is always here to support everyone and there is always another parent struggling with issues
Thanks for the podcast rec. I have listened to many, but not that one. Also a few books.
The exec functions are so hard to explain to a kiddo... why they are how they are. I likened it to a secretary being needed, but she isn't great at her job. It worked for a bit. Yesterday and today we talked about how horses wear blinders when they race and why... that made sense too. Maybe a combo of those things will help her remember to be on track a bit more when she is on her own and I can only refocus her at intervals.
I think also, giving her the choice to do things that she needs to . Like for our son he knows he has to unload the dishwasher so he can do it any time, but must before he has any electronics. Trying to include her in the decision making really helps.
Yup, lying is very typical for these kids. I think it’s one of the many reasons my son doesn’t have many friends. His family and friends and teachers never know whether to trust what he says. Some of it is wishing something was true, trying to please someone and of course just trying to take off the pressure about something. I find it very worrisome for the future, especially for a job situation. I’m trying counseling now. ADHD kids have a hard time I guess with self awareness so we’ll see how it goes. Regarding getting bored with preferred activities I think that’s what happens. After awhile anything can get boring. I thought my son would continue his interest in cooking but his interest eventually fell away.
Just a thought have you had her tested to see if there could be something else going on? We've been there with my son too. We had him checked and found that he had sensory processing disorder. Which is still new to us. I found an o.t. that has been helping us understand the way he processes things . It's the way the ADHD mind is wired. Everyone is different. To us parents we need an owners manual to understand our kiddos.
That's why we need to come together as parents and support each other.
I hear you and I want you to know I have been there. Our 13 year old son has found a love of long distance running recently. It has been a life changer. He says he found the golden ticket to his ADHD. Its not perfect but he loves it and it gets his energy out and allows him to focus. He feels good about himself. We still have ADHD but his self esteem is so much better and that makes a world of difference.
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