Ever have days when you greatly disli... - CHADD's ADHD Pare...

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Ever have days when you greatly dislike your ADHDer!?

MidnightButterfly profile image

I would use the word hate but I know it’s not accurate... at the same time there are days when I just really REALLY don’t want her around. I see how spiteful and vindictive she can be and how selfish and inconsiderate she is towards all of us. She is 10 now almost 11 and it’s clearer everyday how far behind her peers some of her emotions and other behaviors are in that frontal lobe! Shoo... any suggestions on how to deal with those feelings?! I so often just want to send her to her Mom’s for good. But know we are the more structured house and she would be a wreck if she was there all the time. There are also two other kids in our home. Her 12yo brother and then our 2yo daughter. She’s always bickering with the boy and trying to control the sister like she’s a toy. Always must be in control or else we see her lash out somewhere. It’s maddening. Thoughts? Sigh. Deep breaths. Always. Thanks all!

13 Replies

I cannot tell you the relief I feel knowing someone else feels this too. It can be so frustrating but it helps to just know someone else out there is going through it too. I make sure that my husband and I each get some time alone. Sometimes that is just hiding in our bedroom watching a movie. That gives us time to re-group and re-focus. We also check in every night to see how the other is doing. We are SO lucky that we never really feel this way at the same time so we are able to pick each other back up. We know that ultimately what we are doing is hard, but it is the only thing giving her a chance at a good adult life. I also started her on a series of books about executive function skills by Bryan Smith. These books are available on amazon.com. In addition to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with a trained Psychologist; which is something that has really started to help. Remember: it's two steps forward and one step back. However, YOU have to step back and see the steps forward and notate those advances for what they are. Your household probably did the bulk of the work it took to get her moving in the right direction. Don't give up! You're doing amazing things. You're helping so much more than you know.

I can't tell you how much I can relate to this. It is so hard, especially to explain to outsiders who see this behavior and think horrible things. My child is almost 16 years old, male and also has type 1 diabetes. He checks a lot of boxes actually. However, what your post says are identical behaviors we struggle with. He has a therapist for both his diabetes and ADHD because he is a teenager and burnt out. There are days when I don't know what to do. When he's having outbursts over the simple things and can't control himself. I worry because what does his future look like when he can't do the simple things. It really hinders his ability to manage his diabetes as well and he doesn't have a good relationship with his older brother who just turned 18. His younger brother is 10 and he manipulates and does those same things you mention, having control or being in control of him. It causes such friction between everyone and then he feels isolated because it is always him getting "in trouble". It is more just him constantly needing refocusing and redirecting. It just takes a lot all of the time. I have too felt such anger towards him, however I take a step back and realize it's Not him I am angry with it is his illness. I try to think too, how terribly hard life must be for him as well, if him trying to do something or me having to ask 10 times is hard for me, what must it be like to not have the abilities everyone believes you should have. You look "normal" so why is it so hard to focus or listen or behave. That must be exhausting for him too. It must be just as frustrating if not more for him. Keep up the great work, you are doing a great job, even when it doesn't feel that way. Being there is worth it for her and for you.

OMG, yes! My daughter had a baby last year and got postpartum depression where she was so ugly. She thought she was fine and it was all me. But for a while I could not stand her.

Two of her boys also have problems and can be nasty. They have such a mouth sometimes. They're mostly stable on their medication but nothing is a 100%.

My 15 year old grandson plays against friends online with his video games. Sometimes he calls them such names and says they're stupid. I don't know how he has any friends left but maybe they are the same.

Just know you're not alone.

Boy can I relate! 2 things help me..

One I am fortunate that my husband has ADHD and can really relate to the kids and their behavior. And 2, I understand that it's not their fault. They are impulsive and often can't control what they do or say because they haven't thought about it - any of it. In other words there is no thought about the consequences of their actions, no thought about what happens after and no thought about how they affect others. I guess their is a 3rd thing--I try to help them figure out why they are behaving the way they are. In our house it is often anxiety. Wanting to have control, or rather feeling out of control is often anxiety. Figuring out a why and calling it out often helps the behavior stop. Then we talk about ways to manage the situation the next time it happens. Realizing that the kids are not doing this just to "get me" and there is something else underlying their behavior really helps me. Of course, often, after a big glass of wine!!! Lol! A mantra in our house is - its not your fault but it is your responsibility. Hope this helps!

I feel like you have a really similar situation as mine. My hubs (their dad) has it as well, we’ve also found out lately that brother has some form as does their mom! So much Adderall in the house! I think he wants to understand, however his anger gets the best of him when he sees the kids doing things he knows they are capable of, yet it seems they are “playing dumb”. That happens especially with the girl! Makes me so frustrated. I feel like somewhere along the way she was taught that being dippy is a characteristic people love so she plays that role often. Her mom plays it too. So ahem, she also is a much more lenient parent and the kids have no consequences when with her. Hence our push for them to live with us and their awful sibling relationship. Sigh. In time I hope this all straightens out. For now though. Wine.

I feel for you. It's so much harder when the parents are divorced and really not on the same page as to how to manage the kids. It's very hard. I also feel for the kids who are being pulled in different directions. Hang in, know that you are not alone and keep supporting your husband. 🍷

Today is proving to be a very difficult day. She’s medicated as usual however her behaviors are in full effect. Wanting to control everything. Do as she pleases regardless of what she been asked and so indecisive and wicked melancholy today. We wanted to do an Easter egg hunt for the 2yo and she held the eggs until she was “done” cleaning up her mess before she’d allow anyone to hide them. Meanwhile I’m in potty with said toddler and hubs was upstairs. Her brother could have hid them but she was refusing. Then she wanted to split them a specific way. I could hear much of her sass with her brother while I was in potty and asked about it when back. Story was explained most clearly by brother and she just said “well that’s not what I heard”...um so who’s fault is that?!

I tried talking to her some about it and she starts to cry. There was never a “no egg hunt for the older kids” we were just focused on making the easy one fun for the toddler first. Her selfish and controlling brain reared up and everyone was in its way. She would only answer “I don’t know” to my questions. And then “well I’ll say yes bc I know that’s what you want me to say” bother time. So hard to keep being friendly to her. So hard to remind myself that she’s 10 with adhd and likely functioning with much executive functions of a 7yo. She can be so amazing and so awful in the span of just a few minutes. Gah. I just hate days like this. And they have been happening often. I’m seriously scared of puberty for her.

You're not alone (((hugs)))

I get the "I don't know" and repeating what I say a lot too. It can be so frustrating. I'm also terrified of puberty and am trying not to think about it at all. Hugs to you and I hope your wine glass stays full!

Ha thanks! Same to you!

Yeah some days are def worse than others. Distance learning will start in earnest soon so I hope that routine helps. She and I also talked about how many of the things she so often gets in trouble for or spoken to about are things we’ve worked on for months if not years! Yet she doesn’t appear to want to change the behavior. So what can we do to help? I don’t know she says of course. The biggest is her need to control all things. Her counselor asked her if she knows she’s doing it? If she’s willing to take responsibility for the behavior? If she wants to change it? So 10yo says she knows she’s doing it. And is willing to take partial responsibility for now bc so many situations involve someone else. What she agreed to work on is stopping the pushing of her idea (beating a dead horse) when she’s already been told no. So we shall see. Small steps.

Yeah. Mine struggles with taking responsibility. It's always well I did that because and justifies her actions. I have recently asked her to change her words. Identifying that she did do this and it did affect others. Not that it could have or probably. I hope that helps her. Good to know we're not the only ones in repeat! We seem to get to a good place and then the switch happens and it starts all over again. Lots of wine on the back patio in store for me this weekend! Thanks for the replies. It's so great to finally talk to someone else and not feel like I'm a terrible mom. We all try so hard. It will get better, there are so many adults living good, happy lives with ADHD. So there's hope.

Totally on repeat! And if they’re not interested in putting forth the effort to try (which I know is hard for them) then the situation just repeats and compounds! Hello Groundhog Day! Oh morning routines were the worst!! List n all. Horrible. And then yes the switch happens and bam! Twelve steps back.

I asked her yesterday if maybe we need to find a new counselor bc either the counselor isn’t helping or she isn’t trying to use what she’s learning. She said no change in counselor. She knows she’s the one not trying. I have such a hard time seeing her as an 8 or 7yo in her brain though when I physically see a very capable 10 (almost 11) yo in front of me. Shoo. Wine!

Groundhog day! hahah so much that. YES! It's SO hard to remind yourself she's younger inside that she looks. And it's even harder when you have the good days and she shows she can do anything she puts her mind to. Then BAM she doesn't want to do something and melts down and it's all horribly downhill with no stopping.

We ended up switching to a psychologist because she was not working with the counselor. She was manipulating the counselor and we have found that someone who is a Psychologist with training in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) worked so much better. However, now that quarantine is in place, the sessions have not worked via Facetime. She gets distracted and I think the practitioner is too, she's also a working mom with kids at home. It's all so chaotic that it intensifies everything. Costco needs to start selling those adult popsicles again. lol

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