I'm feeling discouraged this evening. I have four kiddos, three of whom have been diagnosed with ADHD. My oldest has it and autism. My toddler so far doesn't exhibit any symptoms for either disorder.
I see other families around me with four children, and our lives are so different than theirs. I just want to sit down and cry. I see all that they do with their children, all that they are able to accomplish. All the joy the parents have in their kids.
I took my children to go see my grandma in her new retirement community. In the late afternoon, which is always hardest for my two boys, 8 years and 5 years. Even though I had my concerns about going, family encouraged me to just go and do it. They need to see my grandma and know her. My dad met us there. Everyone did good for the first ten minutes....then, my boys started to loose it. Laughing loud, running around the common space, racing past me and my dad as we tried to stop them. Rolling around the floor, smacking each other, little eye contact with me or dad, laughing hysterically more.... throwing things at each other, dodging our grasp.
In an old folks home! I used every ounce of patience to get their attention and calmly handle their behavior. I was doing okay emotionally, until my grandma herself started yelling at my children. Told them all how horribly behaved they were, and how they can't come back if they behave like this.
And yes, we do use medication. We're awaiting an appointment with a psychiatrist to adjust the doses.
I left there ready to cry. It's so awful. I'm a 100% in parent....I stay home with my children when they aren't in school. I care so much and I give so much. And they are monsters half the time. I cried a lot once we got home.
I watch other families, and their kids are an entirely different story. It's not fair what ADHD does to my children. I always wanted a large family....but I hadn't counted on ADHD being in the picture. It's depressing. I feel cheated out of my parenting experience sometimes. And then I hear what other parents say about ADHD. Totally misunderstood. I could just scream. They don't know what it's like. They don't realize how REAL this disorder is. It hurts to hear ignorant opinions from other moms. Or family members.
I'm sorry. Thank you all for listening to my heart to tonight.
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Momof4blessings
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My husband and I can relate as we have a 7 year old son that was recently diagnosed with ADHD. We too feel cheated on some of the joys of parenting as it isn’t quite the norm when raising an ADHD child. We love our son and are doing everything possible so that he will live a successful life. It is exhausting and can be depressing at times when you see other families so I feel your pain. Hang in there. It may be possible their medication just needs a tweaking.
I'm all for saying how you feel. Keeping it in doesn't help you. Verbal diarrhea is how I attempt to stay sane. I would like to recommend you investigation broad spectrum micronutrients and see if they might be a good fit for your family. They were recommended by my son's psychiatrist, and we have found great success with their use. Sending you best wishes!
Yes we see a psychiatrist who practices integrative medicine. There are two companies, Hardy Nutritionals and True Hope. She did not recommend one brand over the other. I recommend you look at both. We chose Hardy Nutritionals.
Hi there Momof4blessings. I so understand. Mom to mom. My kids are grown now, but boy do I understand. I read people's posts on this forum and wince...I feel your pain.
I totally relate to your story, although I only have 1 adhd child. Adhd is a daily struggle. One thing that we do once a week that helps somewhat is to split up the kids and each parent take one child at a time on an outing or to run errands. We have 2 kids. Maybe you could take two at a time or just one. It is easier because they aren't fighting or running around crazy. And the outing is enjoyable and we have some one on one quality time together. People w neurotypical kids have no idea what it's like. It's okay, we will get through this one day at a time. Hang in there and thanks for posting.
Yes, thank you. My husband and I tag team it as much as possible on the weekends, which really helps. He'll take two children with him, I'll take two with me. I'd say the hardest times for us are the afternoons, and the evenings.... when I'm at home with all four kids after school, and meds have worn off. And when Daddy gets home and it's dinner time. Or, going out at during that time frame. I see other mom's juggling four kids on their own, and often it looks so calm (not always!!). But if I dare take mine out during the harder times of the day, I often risk a very bad time. And it just doesn't seem fair! Thanks so much for understanding. I totally agree -- people with neurotypical kids have no idea....and it's hard to share this planet with them! Sorry, I guess I'm still frustrated. Lol!
Momof4blessings:
After reading your post, I am curious if you still feel the way you described?
Um, yes.....and no. I love my babies to the moon and back.....I just can't stand what ADHD does to my sweet children and to our family experience. When my 8 year old son's medication is in full swing, he is SO enjoyable to be around! But once it wears off in the afternoon, or before it kicks in in the am, he can literally be a nightmare. And my heart aches. It's so not what I wanted for him....when I held him in my arms as a baby and toddler. I'm doing the best I know to do for him, medically and naturally. And yet I fight this hatred of the disorder all the time. I love my children, I hate ADHD.
First of all,a big hug from me! You could have been writing about our family,as we also have 3 children diagnosed with ADHD. I am not even going to pretend that it's easy because it's not! Some days are just great and others are just plain hard! We have found help with various natural supplements and also going the med route. But there are still days when I just feel like screaming, why me,why our family? Our psychiatrist has been a huge help...every time I talk to her, the first thing she asks is," Mom, how are YOU doing?" She knows that in order to be able to help our children I have to take care of myself,too. So hang in there and you will have your rainbow after the storm!⛈️🌈
Thank you so much! That really encouraged me. Yes, I'm looking forward to our appointment with the psychiatrist. It will be our first appointment with this doctor. So, you have three children with ADHD, too?? I often feel like people start to doubt my credibility when I mention having one case of ADHD.....you see this look come into people's eyes, and you know they don't think it's anything more than poor parenting. Then, if I even venture out to say I have 3 children with the professionally diagnosed disorder, then I really see the total lack of faith in who I am. People might believe for a second that maybe I have one child with a situation....but all of my children?!? Now it's me who has the problem! It's sooooooo discouraging!!!! Of course, those of us who have educated ourselves on the matter, understand that many neurological disorders are genetic and run in families.....but even I didn't know that until my own children were diagnosed. And yes, sometimes I still think how can I truly have gotten this disorder with 75% of my children?!? It just doesn't seem fair. I do think my husband and I both had it as children, and it just went undiagnosed and untreated.
Well to be honest, our 3 ADHD children are adopted (they are so much a part of our family that I tend to forget about that aspect ☺️) but yes most of their birth parents have ADHD . When dealing with other people's opinions about ADHD, we don't as soon have people doubting us, it's sooner the thought of well duh... they're adopted, what do you expect? And that is upsetting to me! Yes adopted children do have struggles that most children don't...but do other people have to set them up for failure, just because they are adopted?We do have several people in our lives that think ADHD is all just an excuse we dreamed up to excuse our children's negative behaviors. Like you said judging our parenting skills,if we would just crack down and make them behave! I do try to put myself in other people's place and think if I didn't know anything about ADHD, how would I respond to a parent of ADHD children?And yes we,too have come to the point where it's easier to just stay home sometimes, than to deal with the chaos.
we have all been there! You’re doing a great job and you’re kids are so lucky to have you for their mom. Perhaps your expectations of yourself and your kids for that outing were a little too lofty. When we have pressure from our family members to “do the right thing” the pressure can cloud our better judgement. Maybe next time, you cut the visit time down. Keep in mind 10 minutes to those with ADHD is like an hour! It’s important to have some self compassion!
Yeah, I knew it was super risky trying to take all four of my children to see great grandma at 4pm in the afternoon....I kinda knew better. But sometimes, I get so fed up with having to cater life to the impulsivity and hyper-reactiveness --- I just want to be able to do what other families can do with their kids! We haven't seen grandma in several months, because honestly, it's really hard for me to find child care and split kids up to go see her. It just doesn't happen. We actually hardly do any afternoon or evening events at all, because behavior falls apart completely late afternoon and evening. It's super restricting. Maybe our upcoming appointment with the psychiatrist will help with this issue. Thanks so much for your response!
I am so sorry you are feeling discouraged. Totally understandable! I’m glad you reached out. You are not alone. I think you hit it on the head when you said “I hadn’t counted on ADHD being in the picture”. We all can relate to that!
Keep on caring and loving and advocating for your kids. Hope you have some encouragement come your way. This is a great group to be a part of - to know we are in this together! 😘
Yes! So uncomfortable.... I've heard a friend recently say "I'm sure ADHD is a real thing, but...." And she went on to say something entirely incorrect. It was like she didn't actually believe that it was a real, mental disorder.
I'm so sorry and yes it seems totally unfair to have an even bigger challenge with adhd added to adolescence. It's horrible, it's draining and it makes me want to give up. I only have 1 (my niece) and you have 4. Whew!!! If you can get outside help or hire someone part time to help you for a few hours a day it will take off alot of the mental pressure and stress it causes you. Every family needs a break and an outside person to step in once in awhile to stay sane. I didn't do that and I didn't have family help so it caused alot of relationship strain between my niece and I from being over stressed. Learn and ask for as much help as you can get early on (behaviorial therapy, parenting tools, psychiatrist, etc.) I missed alot of important things that could've helped a lot sooner and now she's 12. I'm always angry about other moms, friends and family's ignorance. Definitely find people who listen and understand your situation. I've tried several times to explain adhd to the same friend who still has the same ignorance. Ugh! Be picky or don't share with those types. P.S. When you need to be in public places or events you definitely need a plan to keep them engaged. Idle time leaves too much wiggle room and they can't help it. I feel your pain and I pray you get a support team in place asap. Come and vent anytime Momof4 : )
It sounds like you could use some encouragement. And please there's no need to apologize. Everyone here understands exactly what you're going through. The scenario with your children that you just described is a familiar theme that runs in ADHD families.
I'm sure you've heard of CHADD and ADDitude but I just wanted to drop them in this post just in case. I'll be praying for you and your family. Let us know how things are going and if the psychiatrist has suggested any new treatments or approaches. You're not alone in this journey. We're always here to listen and support. Hang in there and God bless your sweet momma's heart.
Been there (nursing home story) many times! A comment on your "why me?" feelings... My oldest kiddo is easy peasy with mainstream interests and lots of strengths. My next two sons are much more complicated with ADHD and quirky personalities and more. The plus side is they have made me a much deeper, more empathetic, and more forgiving person. If I had just my neurotypical child, I would likely be one of those judging parents living vicariously through their children, and instead I'm a delight haha! It has taken years to adjust my parenting fantasies and figure out how to best enjoy my reality. Hang in there!
Oh, that's so encouraging! Thank you so much for sharing! Yes, I've been learning how to enjoy my reality....some days are easier than others. And I do think my kids have made me a more compassionate person, too. Maybe it's worth all the tough days?!? Wince! Lol!
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