Struggling with our 10 y.o. with ADHD, Emotional Dysregulation, & beng defiant...he can be playing and having fun and the minute I remind him that it's time to "study / review" for a test or revise something with his homework, all H&&% breaks loose. He's on the floor in full tantrum, screaming & crying with lots of backtalk. This behavior can last up to an hour. If I tell him that he does not have to do school work, it would stop immediately. He is happy & proud of himself when he does well in school and has asked me to "push" him to study when he does not want to.
I'm at a loss at what to do. I am emotionally spent....looking for advice on techniques you have used to stop this behavior and redirect quickly.
Thanks in advance.
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DoodleyDukes
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I am not sure if your child takes medication or not. If he does then it has worn off by late afternoon and it's like he never had it.in his system. Most children need an additional dose to do homework and or sports.
If you are doing it later afterschool they have already "kept" it together for all day and asking for a lot more with support will be very challenging.
Our son is 13 years old and we scheduled all of his high academic classes in the early morning becuase his medication works best at that time. We also use a study skills class ( instead of an elective) so he can finish all homework and work on study skills.
If your child does not take medication, thearpy and a 504 plan ( how much is being asked of him) he will contuine to struggle.
One more thing.. I know this is hard.to hear but school only gets harder after they leave elementary school. More stress more teachers and harder work.
I am saying this so you can change things to support him now..
Let me know if you have any questions.
Big hugs for your struggles! Many of us have been through what you are struggling with now.
We are waiting for an upcoming appointment with a new psychiatrist to talk about starting meds. To date, he has a 504 plan and has the approptiate modifcations that all seem to work well with a supportive teacher that makes additional accommodations as needed. He improved a bit with behavioral therapy but he grew reistant to it and it beame a battle to get him there. We will be exploring behavioral therapy again.
I agree that school only becomes harder and more is required as they get older. I've mentioned that I need him to be more independant (re: studying, essay, etc.). He is good about doing h.w. as soon as he gets home from school. The behavior starts when it's something that takes time away from "fun" and requires work. He has an agenda that he writes assignments down on and I also post it on an additional calendar as an extra reminder.
I need to learn how to support him better withut micromanaging him. Hard part is I do not want to see him fail and he's upset when he does not do well. Any tips or suggestions are greatly appreciated.
I am really impressed with all that you guys have done and I applaud you for seeing a child psychiatrist to start the medication journey. I hope that medication can help him a lot. I know it sounds weird but just assume it will take a while to get the correct dose, type of medications ( it might be one for impulse control and one dor focus) and timing down. Once this happens you will truly be thankful you tried it. The good news is most ADHD medication ( Ritilin, adderall, etc..) can all be short acting so you will really see a difference in him quickly. It should not change the good things about his personality, just help stop what he struggles with.
I have also learned so much from listening to a Podcast ( download a Podcast reader for your device) Parenting ADHD, by Penny Williams. One thing I learned was I was comparing our son to other Neuro typical children and that is not fair. Children with ADHD have true struggles and being in school then coming home to so more work is so hard on them.
Hope these tips help to make things easier since you have already done so much, it will get easier.
Right after school time can be a very hard time to require our children who have been holding it all in and together all day to then attend to homework and chores when they just really want to let loose and let out all the wiggles they've been struggling so hard to keep inside all day.
Have you considered a checklist or reward chart where tasks are clearly marked and having your son be a part of making the list so he's bought in on agreeing to the tasks that he is expected to do daily, no matter how he's feeling. Build in "wiggle time" into the chart daily so he knows the start and finish time of expectations, then setting up a timer to signal the end of one task and begin time of the next task. Build in break times and family fun and chore helps so that he knows he's contributing to the family on working together. Reward him when he's able to get back on task a little more as he goes along. It's a process, but getting him into healthy habits of getting back on task quickly will go a long way in future school work as it gets harder and harder and requiring even more time to sit down and study after class and school. Additionally, have you considered getting him into a sport or activity after school, these can be great to help activate the whole body and then be able to attend to what needs to be done afterwards. Here's a great article on helping ADHD children in school that I found that I think you'll enjoy reading. Good luck! bit.ly/36018tV
Broad spectrum micronutrients have helped our son with emotional regulation. I highly recommend you look into them since you are pending an appointment for medications. There are two companies, Hardy Nutritionals and True Hope. Our son's psychiatrist did not recommend one brand over the other.
This sounds soooo much like my son!! I fo through this most weeknights.😢 I bought those micronutrients this week. How many should I be giving him? He just turned 11. Please help us.... this is no way to live. I don’t do medication, but I’m going to try the recommended vitamins.
My grandson used to tell me I have the best intentions that I will come home and do my homework and be fine. His brain just would not cooperate. The took the right medication combination , seeing a behavioral therapist and a 504 at school to get things under control.
Thank you! He is involved in sports / after school activities. He's good abt doing "regular" h.w. after snack when he gets home from school. Most "regular" h.w. gets done easily unless he's stuck, then it takes a lot longer since he melts down. He knows he can play afterwards and he takes breaks as needed.
The struggle is studying for tests becsuse that takes more time away from "fun". If I didnt "push" him to study, he would not do well in school. I have found ways to make it "fun" but it still takes time away from playing & he knows that he needs to learn better study habits.
Some days I feel like if I left him alone to play, there would be few meltdowns but that's not reality.
He's a very smart kid & will be successful, in his own way, later in life.
It's really about trying to get him to be independent, wanting to learn on his own with little help from me, and less meltdowns.
Hi! Sounds familiar!. My son will find all sorts of things to do other than the tedious homework. Play with the pets, stand on his head on the couch, hide under chairs, roll on the floor. In the past we got frustrated & would scold, nag, threaten loss of something, like gaming. This only escalated the situation & homework became the least of the problem. I can say that 90% of this is behavioral, not so much the ADHD. What tipped me off is that he shuts off the ‘show’ once you give in & let him off the hook. So first advice, NEVER EVER give him what he wants to cure bad behavior. This will teach him that this is the way to get out of doing hard stuff! Next, do not negotiate or banter with him. Set the house rule that every day homework is started at the same time. Set consequences up front for not doing. Then, either he does it or he doesn’t, but the consequence must be in effect that same day. IGNORE tantrum even if it means the homework doesn’t get done on time. Work with teachers on this. But it also means he gets NOTHING from you, especially nothing fun until homework is done. Keep in mind that training him to have study habits is even more important than learning the content!! So that’s the stick. For us, we also use carrots. I give 1 m&m or skittle for every row of problems he completes correctly. It’s like a game. This motivates my son. I keep it positive the whole time & heavily encourage him when he gets a row right! I avoid being negative or correcting mistakes in a negative manner. We say ‘making mistakes is how we learn!’ I also keep it to small chunks of work so that we can correct errors early before he does the whole assignment wrong AND it’s not so overwhelming for his ADHD brain. Small chunks of the work! Reward him every time. Treat it like a game show! If being at home is too much a distraction, we’ve found success taking him from school directly to the library. At his age, he might avoid his tactics so as not to be seen by others as a ‘baby’. I suspect his performance is just for you. Also, after homework is done, he can pick out movies to watch or new books. Reward! Finally, we decided to completely ban PS4 gaming during the week. He only can play on weekends. This removes that painful struggle & focuses the entire week in school & learning. Hang in there!
Thank you! I agree that "it is a show" for a selected few (my husband, our babysitter, & me). He can quickly change his attitude back. We never give in to his antics. When we give him a warning about losing a priviledge, the tantrum escalates. And priviledge is lost, tantrum significantly worsens.
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