The insults that come with ODD

[capriwms1]

I asked my son to do one of his normal chores which is put the case of water in the pantry. Very easy job and his only real contribution to putting the groceries away. He tells me “he’s not going to do it because he’s about to play a video game.” I asked him to get do it and get it over with so he can then play the game. He becomes defiant and determined not to. So I threaten to call his Dad. Only because he’s been giving me a hard time for the past week. As soon as I pick the phone up he says, “okay I’ll do whatever you ask” It was too late because I already started calling. I hung up and he says, “what kind of mother are you? A stupid one?” “I was doing what you asked so you didn’t need to call me Dad.” I made me so upset that he would talk to me like this. Some days I can take it then there’s days like this where it crushes me. Felling sad

[Cjlyn]

Story of my life you are not alone.

[desrada]

My 15 year old does the same to me. Even though I know it's a condition not entirely within his control, it makes me really sad and angry. I am constantly trying to myself off the ledge.

[seller in reply to desrada]

Read my post to capriwms1 - and it is under his control - he just chooses not to control himself when talking to you.

[Crunchby]

Replace your child's name with mine. Stay strong. He doesn't mean it. He loves you and needs you regardless of what crap comes out of his mouth.

[Faith2myboi]

Hi, you are certainly not alone because I to experience the same exact thing my some more often than I'd like. He's 8 years old and he can be extremely disrespectful to my husband and I. When he doesn't want to do something or you want something is way and we don't agree with him, we are the worst parents in the world. He tells us he wants to new family, he tells use that we're going to be very sorry that we treated him that way. He's even going as far to say that when we get older because we're older parents now she's not going to help us get to the grocery stores or two doctors appointment that's how angry he gets and defiant just from being act to do his one sure and that's the bring the clothes into the laundry room. Usually I don't like to argue with him because it doesn't help at all things escalate and a get even worse so I just say okay buddy I'll take care of it but just remember you're on the point system and if you choose not to do your chore you don't get your point for it can i total of 5 points is what gets you your video game privileges for the day. Just try to remember to stay calm when speaking to him and even give my little light rub on his back or shoulder as you're talking to him that sometimes for the most part works for us but I do know that some of the things that are being said to us coming from my own children hurt's so bad. These are the precious lives that God has blessed us as parents with. Remember it's not there fault. You and your son are in my prayers God bless you

[Jorliss in reply to Faith2myboi]

Hi Faith2myboi. Sounds like you are doing great. Read my post above and let me know your thoughts. I am still trying to manage my disorder at age fifty. Any insight would help.

[Faith2myboi in reply to Jorliss]

Thanks you I try. But I know that if I didn't have Christ in my life I'd be truly at a lost with my son. He's more than a handful... he's a wheelbarrow ful but I've learned to think calmly and clearly before reacting. When he gets angry and begins to lash out at my husband and I we listen to what he has to say and we reply in what we call our inside voice. After a few replies in that tone of voice to him.. then he soon begins to calm down and we can sort of deal with it alot better.The Bible tells us that a soft answer turns away wraft. I encourage this technique for all the parents for dealing with this type of situation

[Jorliss]

I am a fifty year old adult with this disorder. I was diagnosed forty five years ago. I can say consequences upon my actions need to be consistent. For example, last night I was crashing because I forgot to take my evening meds with me. My boyfriend said you either stop or we are leaving. He does exactly what he says he is going to do so I knew he meant business. I immediately stopped. I mean immediately. I did not want to go home. I wanted to go to the store.

In a very calm voice I may have said, son you have two choices: put the water in the pantry or you lose the video game for two weeks.

I probably would even say you have one minute to decide since he may need a moment to process the gravity and the reality of the situation. He might even need two minutes.

I would set the timer on my phone and then exactly when the time was up I would pull the plug, take the video game and lock it up and in exactly two weeks he would get it back.

Let him rage if he does not do his chore and then remind him you gave him a choice. I guarantee the next time it happens he will need less than a minute to decide.

I think the key is giving the choice so you are putting the ball in his court and then he must accept the consequence of his actions. I know we are not supposed to bargain with our children. I don’t think I would look at it as bargaining since he has to decide the lesser of two evils.

I also think avoiding the word “now” is also important to give him a chance to process.

Consistency of the punishment must be followed out!

[Jorliss in reply to Jorliss]

I just want to add I don’t want to tell anyone how to parent or what to do. I can only say I have been living with this disorder all my life and consistency with punishment was imperative.

[AngelamarieQ in reply to Jorliss]

Thank you Jorliss! That’s a good tactic .

[Mmagusin]

You should not have to call dad to get him to comply. Right now he does not see you as an authority figure. That must change. Give him a five count to comply, or he loses something he cares about for the day. Or try timeout for 10 min but my guess is he won't sit for you. Once he sees you can take away things, you'll gave n power. Also make sure dads on your side. Calm but firm. With confidence!

[Wiola821]

I have recently got help from a professional to come to our house and help us becouse our house is very similar to yours. With her suggestion we instituted what we call "Everyday Automatics" things that need to be done to be a contributing member of the household. For example, Morning Automatics, get dressed, make bed, brush teeth, etc. My son is not allowed to watch TV, play with his toys or games until those automatics are done. They don't get rewarded for these automatics, these are just things that need to be done as a contributing member of the family. You can set up automatics for after school, on weekends, etc. No play until they are done. This took so much stress out of our house, I no longer stress in the morning as the automatics are clearly written out in the family kitchen for all to see. You can't deviate and you have to stick to the list, no video games until afternoon automatics are done. I hope you try it.

[Jorliss in reply to Wiola821]

I also have a list of “automatics” I have to get done. I work off of praise. I live for praise. I like the list of automatics.

[Faith2myboi in reply to Wiola821]

I agree with you. In our home we call it a structured environment. Our daily routine. If our son does not comply with our routine he can't have what is so dear to him and that's his video game. He's home schooled so we really need to have structure in our home. Oh and our daily pt. System works well thank God. If he doesn't earn his 5pts. for the day there is no video game privileges. Ladies be consistent with your chastiziment but most of all firm & loving. You will be it will all full into place. God bless

[Cjkchamp]

I always wonder, “Where have I gone wrong? Today my 6 yo mocked my 71 yo mother. She is his favorite person, yet he did it anyway. My mom was so caught off guard she didn’t know what to do. I jut want to scream! What are we supposed to do? You’re not alone if that is any consolation; which it’s not. Keep moving forward because looking back doesn’t help. For me I have discovered calling his dad is not the answer. It seems like I’m giving him more power to belittle me.

[capriwms1 in reply to Cjkchamp]

You’re right! Calling Dad is somewhat of a cop out, but in the moment I just want it done. Sometimes bargaining or negotiating while in a rush is so exhausting. Just asking him to put his shoes on because we have to leave can turn into a situation, especially if he wants to wear summer shoes and it’s winter. I have to explain so much and there are times when I don’t have time to explain. The most important and consistent thing is for me to set the rules and stick to it. I can’t get lost in the moment. I have to stay focused. I’m trying and I’ve gotten a little better but I am going to stop calling Dad. He needs to respect me and my authority.

[Cjkchamp in reply to capriwms1]

So I’m going to recommend you look into the nurtured heart approach. There is a website and there are books you can get on Amazon. Just try one chapter per week. I was lucky and got into a study. I can’t say it has been a complete miracle but I feel like it has improved things between me and my son. People like us need to see improvement. We see so much of the ugliness, it’s nice when something goes right. Check it out and see what you think. Sending you good thoughts!

[seller]

You didn't say how old your son is.....but I can tell you if he's not a teenager yet, it will get much worse. So let me give you some advice: stop talking so much - kids hear the first few words, then they only hear "blah blah blah" - nothing else. They just tune you out. (My 23 year old son told me this recently - he said he still tunes me out if he thinks I've rambled on too long about something! He usually says "I'm hanging up now!!" ) So - tell him what you want him to do - short and concise - no room for manipulation on his part - and give him a time - like he has 10 minutes - nothing long or drawn out. Do not say "after you've finished your video game". Tell him if the chore is not done by then, the video controllers are getting locked up for 24 hours. THAT'S ALL.....then set your phone timer and walk away!!! DO NOT get into an argument and NEVER allow yourself to be manipulated into calling your ex! You have to save that for the really big stuff - like getting bailed out of jail or expelled from school!! Now here's the important part: you MUST stick to the punishment and with NO talking!! Just take the controllers and lock them up. (I recommend having a locked place already anyway because you're going to need it.) Just take the items and leave. He already knows why. Verbal disrespect also means another 24 hours of no video games. NO arguments and NO discussions.

Believe me - I know this from past experience and it was painful!

ADHD kids (and really, all kids) don't want to hear us go on and on and they aren't mature enough to engage in any kind of reasonable argument, so you are weakening your position in the family when you sink to their level.

Set the rules with a few words Dole out immediate punishment STICK TO IT!!!