I have never done anything like this before. My wife tells me that I'm isolated. She says that I need to tell someone how I feel. She finds it difficult to understand my depression and over the years I have stopped trying to confide in her. She cannot understand why I can't talk to friends. Truth is that the depression has systematically removed most of my friends from my life. When I become depressed I ignore calls and reject invites to socialise, which in turn has lead to people withdrawing from me. Consequently, it has been suggested that I express my thoughts in thos format but I'm not sure how effective this will be. I am worried that it willl just lead me to become more insular and self absorbed.
I am in my early forties and have lived with depresion since my late teenage years although it was not diagnosed until my late twenties. For about three months each year I have no motivation. I am bombarded by thoughts of self harm and suicide. My whole personality changes. I become withdrawn and reclusive and unable to do any meaningful work. I have had a succesion of interupted careers due to the illness. I am probably about to end another career due to this illness, which only adds to my sense of failure and helplessness.
I am presently in the middle of a major episode. I have tried so many different medications and have never felt that I have benefited from any prescribed drug. I have been assessed for CBT and have been told that as I understand the model to some degree ( I work in Sscial care) that the service available in my area is not likely to be particularly effective. I have studied various models such as mindfulness CBT and have tried hard to follow self help programmes to no avail.When I 'm well I exercise regularly, maintain a good diet and routine and use alcohol on rare occasions. However, when I become unwell I am unable to do the things that I know are good for me. I either eat nothing or gourge myself on carb heavy or sugary snacks. I am unable to sleep and will occasionally drink to try and expel the suicidal thoughts.
I always come out of the episodes which is a positive. However, each episode makes me weaker. Even though I know I will come out of this, I cannot face another episode next year. My hope is fading and I'm scared that the resistance I have had to stop me hurting myself is wearing thin.
I hope this blog will help me to fell better but I am not confident that it will. However, I will try anything to make the black dog go away.