I'm 17 years old, I don't know how long exactly i've been suffering with depression but i'd say about 2 or 3 years. In February 2011 I left school. I had no friends and i didnt want to go anymore, then a few weeks later i was going to go back but my grandad passed away and i was in a bad way, i wasnt sleeping and i started to self harm. It was the only way i felt i had control over my life, it made me feel so much better. then i started drinking heavily and trying to overdose nearly everyday just to put myself at ease, it worked for a while but then i got worse and i wouldnt talk to anyone i'd just stay in my bedroom all day. that carried on for a few months until my parents found out i was cutting myself, we had a huge argument and my mum threatened to section me to the mental health ward, which made me even worse because i don't want to be labelled, i just want help. my parents then made me an appointment with my GP who referred me to a counsellor, when i went for counselling i felt like she was judging me, and not helping. she would ask me why i felt this way and i didnt know, i still dont. and she said i needed a reason. i stopped going for counselling and then my parents told me i was attention seeking and there was nothing wrong with me. so i felt alone, i had nobody to talk to apart from my friend, who was also depressed at the time. i then started a course where i lived for about a year and i gradually got better but i still had my bad days. i left that course in december because people started being nasty towards me because i got a boyfriend and he's a lot older than me. since then my family have turned against me and i just feel like i'm alone again, i've moved away from my home town with my boyfriend and i just feel lost, i have nothing to do all day and the slightest thing makes me cry. when he comes home from work im fine, but i just constantly feel like im not getting anywhere. the other night i was so upset for no reason, we were making dinner and i went upstairs to the toilet, the next minute i was crying and i couldn't stop, i laid on the bed and i just wanted to sleep and not wake up in the morning, i just kept thinking about death and it made me so happy. it scares me because nobody should get happy at the thought of death, and it's the first time i have ever truly wanted to die. my boyfriend then came upstairs because i'd been gone for about half an hour and he knew something was wrong, he tried to get me to talk to him but no words were coming out, i just kept crying. i havent told him how i felt that night because he'll probably think that im selfish, the only reason i didnt do anything stupid is because i dont want to hurt him, if it wasnt for him i'd have nothing, i just dont know how to talk to him without him getting upset, thanks for reading this, i know its long but i just need to let this out
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