just want to let it out basically

I'm 17 years old, I don't know how long exactly i've been suffering with depression but i'd say about 2 or 3 years. In February 2011 I left school. I had no friends and i didnt want to go anymore, then a few weeks later i was going to go back but my grandad passed away and i was in a bad way, i wasnt sleeping and i started to self harm. It was the only way i felt i had control over my life, it made me feel so much better. then i started drinking heavily and trying to overdose nearly everyday just to put myself at ease, it worked for a while but then i got worse and i wouldnt talk to anyone i'd just stay in my bedroom all day. that carried on for a few months until my parents found out i was cutting myself, we had a huge argument and my mum threatened to section me to the mental health ward, which made me even worse because i don't want to be labelled, i just want help. my parents then made me an appointment with my GP who referred me to a counsellor, when i went for counselling i felt like she was judging me, and not helping. she would ask me why i felt this way and i didnt know, i still dont. and she said i needed a reason. i stopped going for counselling and then my parents told me i was attention seeking and there was nothing wrong with me. so i felt alone, i had nobody to talk to apart from my friend, who was also depressed at the time. i then started a course where i lived for about a year and i gradually got better but i still had my bad days. i left that course in december because people started being nasty towards me because i got a boyfriend and he's a lot older than me. since then my family have turned against me and i just feel like i'm alone again, i've moved away from my home town with my boyfriend and i just feel lost, i have nothing to do all day and the slightest thing makes me cry. when he comes home from work im fine, but i just constantly feel like im not getting anywhere. the other night i was so upset for no reason, we were making dinner and i went upstairs to the toilet, the next minute i was crying and i couldn't stop, i laid on the bed and i just wanted to sleep and not wake up in the morning, i just kept thinking about death and it made me so happy. it scares me because nobody should get happy at the thought of death, and it's the first time i have ever truly wanted to die. my boyfriend then came upstairs because i'd been gone for about half an hour and he knew something was wrong, he tried to get me to talk to him but no words were coming out, i just kept crying. i havent told him how i felt that night because he'll probably think that im selfish, the only reason i didnt do anything stupid is because i dont want to hurt him, if it wasnt for him i'd have nothing, i just dont know how to talk to him without him getting upset, thanks for reading this, i know its long but i just need to let this out

8 Replies

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  • Hi

    I pondered a little before replying to you as I'm not a professional and as I suffer with anxiety there is a fear of saying all the wrong things.

    I am so sorry you feel the way you do right now. I know what it is like to feel low and feel lonely, and remember you are not alone there are lots of people on the site who understand. Keep posting I find it really does help, I've had some great guidance on this site that I am sooooo grateful for.

    Not sure if you have recently been to see your Dr if not I urge you to go and if you have then go back.

    You mention your boyfriend it is just a thought but if you find it hard to talk to him and you want him to know how about directing him to this blog? Merely a thought,

    Please don't suffer in silence seek out all of the help you can get.

    I truly hope you feel better soon. Right now it probably feels like you won't feel better but it can happen with the right help,

    Love sue xx

  • Ah my heart goes out to you, you are young to be keeping all this pain to yourself. I would really think you need to go and talk to your Doctor, I am sure that would be a good start. I can understand how you don't want to burden your boyfriend, I am sure he would prefer that you would talk about how you are feeling, and that will make him feel he can share stuff with you too. Its not about him, its you that needs love and care, keep posting and checking in here, you are not alone, even if your family are not close.

    Take it one day at a time.Please look after yourself, you are at a vulnerable stage in life.I am sending you a big hug, and I really think you took a great first step by writing here. When I was your age, I am not sure I would have had the sense you had.

    Hannah xx'

  • Hi,

    I don't know if this will be reassuring but the reactions of the people around you seem to be a commom reaction. It may be something to do with age (I'm 17 too and I get told that I'm over reacting to what every teenager has to deal with). It makes me very reluctant to tell people anything so I bottle it up, which is the worst thing to do in the situation. What I would urge you to do, if you haven't already, is speak to a GP about antidepressants, even though my depression has improved slightly in the last few months my gp still considers them as possible treatment and so I think they could definitely help you. Other than that, you could try to talk to your boyfriend, even if you write down your symptoms on paper for him to read, or ask him to read books/websites about depression. On a lot of the main sites they have a page for friends and relatives that explains how you feel and what to do and what not to do to help. This may help him to understand that asking what's wrong isn't always what you need, having an open relationship will help you to keep your head above water as your boyfriend will start to learn when you are feeling your worst and how to help you. Finally, this is a suggestion for what you can do during the day but only do this if it will help but I've found self help books/websites really helpful to read. They tell you all the little things you can do to help but everything is worth a try.

    I hope this can help you feel better!

    Starbiscuit x

  • Hi,

    I don't know if this will be reassuring but the reactions of the people around you seem to be a commom reaction. It may be something to do with age (I'm 17 too and I get told that I'm over reacting to what every teenager has to deal with). It makes me very reluctant to tell people anything so I bottle it up, which is the worst thing to do in the situation. What I would urge you to do, if you haven't already, is speak to a GP about antidepressants, even though my depression has improved slightly in the last few months my gp still considers them as possible treatment and so I think they could definitely help you. Other than that, you could try to talk to your boyfriend, even if you write down your symptoms on paper for him to read, or ask him to read books/websites about depression. On a lot of the main sites they have a page for friends and relatives that explains how you feel and what to do and what not to do to help. This may help him to understand that asking what's wrong isn't always what you need, having an open relationship will help you to keep your head above water as your boyfriend will start to learn when you are feeling your worst and how to help you. Finally, this is a suggestion for what you can do during the day but only do this if it will help but I've found self help books/websites really helpful to read. They tell you all the little things you can do to help but everything is worth a try.

    I hope this can help you feel better!

    Starbiscuit x

  • Please know that you really are not alone and the way you are feeling is not unique - so much of what you say reminds me of my life and you have been through a lot.

    I actually think it is quite natural to find the thought of death comforting and I suspect a lot of us do, but it's also quite scarey to find that you feel that way. it doesn't mean that you are going to kill yourself. I'm 50 and I still struggle with it all ... but then I'm also still around to struggle :)

    You have been through a lot and people are individuals. Some people may seem to be better at coping but sometimes that's because they are in denial and it creeps out later in other ways that can be more destructive.

    You are obviously a sensitive and thoughtful person and it sounds like you have a lot to offer.

    I also find it difficult to talk to my boyfriend and on one level I think it is good that he has so many problems understanding where I am coming from because it means he isn't going through what I go through :) We do go through some big impasses but that doesn't mean that I don't love him and that he doesn't love me. I guess talking to him is going to be doubly difficult after your experiences with your parents. What you probably heard was their frustrations because they didn't understand and really didn't know what to do so that it may not be a permanent rift.

    Pointing your boyfriend at your blog would be a good way of letting him know less directly what is happening.

    Continue posting

    Please go see your GP

    I know you probably don't feel like any exercise at the moment but exercise is known to help a bit. You could try looking to see if there are any groups in your area doing things like gardening therapy or sporting activities - probably less frightening to do it through a group like Mind than going to a local sports group itself as you need a supportive environment. Your GP may be able to help point you in the right direction.

    May be you could go for little walks with your boyfriend.

  • Just want to be really clear - when I said that your parents were frustrated I meant frustrated with themselves rather than you. Self harm isn't anything I have had personal experience of but one of my friends has a daughter who harms herself. It causes a lot of tensions between them. My friend feels very guilty that it might be because of things that she has does so communicating all becomes very difficult and very heated very quickly.

  • Hi There,

    Everyone becomes depressed for so many different reasons, and although mine are not the same as yours i can relate to the feelings you have mentioned.

    The overwhelming urge to cry all of a sudden and feeling happy about thinking horrible things.

    When I went to the doctor she wanted to give me anti depressants and i didnt want to at 1st but i am so glad i did now. I dont get upset about every little thing now and it helps you to think more clearly. You can get so wrapped up in depression and your head is so full of stuff, the amount of times i wanted to rip my hair out because i was so frustrated and wound up and i couldnt do anything about it!

    Anti depressants are not the answer and you could maybe explain to the doctor again about the last conselling didnt work. I went to a counseller at my uni and it didnt help me one bit so i stopped going.

    Its such a shame that your family cant understand. I was the opposite to you, my family and friends were great but my (ex) boyfriend wasnt and was one of the main triggers.

    Also when i was on the pill i used to get so emotional at random times in the month, i wasnt depressed then but id just start crying for no reason. ive stopped taking it now but maybe that is something to look at to if your on it.

    please keep posting on here, it is amazing and ive recieved the best support from members. As we are all going through similar things and understand and dont judge.

    Take care hun :) xx

  • thank you all so much, I'm going to keep posting on here and I'm going to go to my GP after I've spoke to my boyfriend. He does know that I suffer with depression, I think I just need to talk more about what I'm feeling, because I know he sometimes thinks I'm upset because of him. He does tell me to think positive because he's suffered with depression before and that's how he got through it, I don't think he realises that everyone is different, and telling me to think positive doesn't help me.

    I really appreciate you reading this, I just wanted to talk to someone who understands :) xxx

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