I have Schizoaffective disorder with rapid cycling mixed episodes, Borderline personality disorder- both lifelong, Agoraphobia, Anxiety and beginning of last year was diagnosed with COPD (emphysema) with roughly 50% lung function.
About 20 years ago I tried to quit smoking and had a nervous breakdown within a week of trying. Now I NEED to stop for my lungs and quit for National No Smoking Day (30hrs) then went back to my ciggies but it kept niggling the back of my mind so set a date for the following Wednesday to quit and managed 10 days with NRT but the depression really set in and I smoked a couple a day for 3 days then quit for another 5 days but then couldn't take it any more.
Two of my psychiatrists plus a neurologist told me that I shouldn't ever try to stop smoking because I've been too unstable and mostly treatment resistant - my drawer of pills takes the edge off it 'flattening' me at best, at worst nada/zilch/nothing except ECT helps but I don't want any more of that. OK it's not barbaric anymore but it's still very unpleasant for me...I hate the muscle relaxant when I come round and it permanently wiped out over 2 years of my memory.
I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, half of me wants to stop...I don't want to die from COPD but the other half is scared to death of 'letting go' of my crutch...and what happens if I get really depressed again...then what?
I have real problems with loss (grieving) and change, this is driving me nuts and psychotic with voices telling me to quit...no, smoke...no, quit...no, smoke.
I don't know what to do anymore and I've just lost my psychiatrist to a new job after 11years with same one so have enough to cope with plus Pulmonary Rehab Assessment tomorrow.
Please can anyone help me before I go completely crazy?