I've set a date. (Trigger warning)

I have struggled with mental health issues since 2009 when I first started attending University. However, I didn't seek help with my problems until 2011.

Since then, I have tried EVERYTHING. I have been on several different anti-Depressants, anti-anxiety tablets, attended CBT, self-help, had a mental health nurse, visited my GP every week for months, I've even been admitted to hospital due to my cuts.

Now, I can't bear living any more. I think even the doctor is fed up of the sight of me. I've ran out of idea's. I'm 21 and I have no friends, no social life, no job, no money and no hope for the future.

For the past 2 weeks I've been looking up ways to end my life.

I have a free house on the (Date removed by admin) and have decided I will end my life then. I look forward to not having to wake up and face another lonely day.

41 Replies

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  • Please don't do this ,The devastation it leaves behind is heartbreaking.I am sure you have a family who want to see you better and to fulfil your potential. Please get some help as soon as and know you have lots of support from this site. People on here know exactly how you feel. take care and be kind to yourself. xx

  • I appreciate your reply but I've run out of options. I've had help for the past two years and nothing has worked.

  • Hi ScotlandTheBrave

    I'm glad that you have come and posted here, and well done for doing so.

    I can hear how desperate you are, and I know how bleak things must clearly be for you right now.

    Have you told anyone offline about this?

    I know you say that you 'had' a mental health nurse. Do you still see them? Do you have anyone to talk to now?

    Looking forward to hearing from you, I am here listening and I care.

    Amanda

  • Hi Amanda, again, I appreciate your reply.

    I stopped making appointments after the mental health nurse after he made some upsetting comments on more than one occasion.

    The only person I speak to is my GP. She has been extremely supportive, helpful and caring. Everytime I see her and speak to her, I feel a bit better about myself, but it doesn't last.

    Thanks again,

    Andrew

  • Hi Andrew.

    Thanks for replying back. I'm glad that you did.

    Unfortunately there are a lot of not so good mental health professionals out there, and I'm sorry that your mental health nurse made some upsetting comments. This certainly sounds unhelpful.

    I'm glad that you have a helpful and caring GP. I know the feeling better about yourself doesn't last, but it is good that you have someone helpful in your life at least.

    i can't pretend to understand exactly what it feels like in your head right now. But I do know what it feels like to be very suicidal, to feel that there is no other way, that things are never going to improve.

    For most of 2011 I felt very suicidal and attempted suicide on a number of occasions. Thankfully things have improved since, and I am now in a much better place, and am very glad to be here.

    I remember, though, how overpowering the feelings of hopelessness and despair were.

    Who do you have in your life at the moment? What other supports do you have apart from the GP?

    Amanda

  • Thanks again Amanda,

    I don't see anyone else apart from my GP now. I used to see an Occupational therapist as well but I cancelled her.

    I was wasting her time - I would go in and chicken out before we could practice going out.

    The truth is, I can't hang on anymore, I can't handle the loneliness, the hopelessness, the awful nightmares, it has all got too much.

  • Hi Andrew.

    I really understand where you are coming from.

    Regarding your Occupational Therapist it might be that not enough time had passed for you to build up a connection with her.

    I have seen my CPN almost 3 years but for the first year I barely spoke to her ;) Now I am really close to her and she has been an amazing support to me.

    Can you tell me a little about what has been going on for you?

    A couple of months ago you said to someone on here 'There is always help available and people you can speak to. Don't give up.'

    Something must have changed since then. Do you want to tell me about what has been happening?

    Take care,

    Amanda

  • Sure Amanda,

    It all started in 2009 when I first attended University. I became nervous about going to classes - seemingly out of the blue. It got to the point where I just couldn't attend at all and I packed University in late 2009.

    I didn't start seeking help until 2011. When I did, I was in Aberdeen (and back at University).

    I attempted suicide early 2012 and ended up leaving again in May 2012.

    Since returning home, things have up until recently been up and down.

    I started self harming about two months ago. I was admitted to hospital for one week and diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder.

    Sometimes I would get quite happy and feel upbeat. When I did, I would post comments on here trying to help others.

    However, the last fortnight has been awful. I have nothing to live for and just can't get out of this low. I believe the end is near.

    I have made an appointment with my GP on Monday and then again on Wednesday which will hopefully be my last one.

    Thanks for listening,

    Andrew

  • Hi Andrew

    Thanks for sharing this.

    I also have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder as well as depression and I identify a lot with everything you have said.

    I promise though that you can get through this.

    I still get plagued by suicidal thoughts so much more than anyone realises. Each day though I tell myself I will not do it 'today' and this really helps.

    I wrote a little about it here: beautyfrompainblog.com/2013...

    and another thing that I try to do to help me is that, well often I get so caught up in things that don't matter in the long run. With my BPD things hurt so much more than they do for others, little things. Little things throw me so much that I feel I can't go on.

    But I try to tell myself that in the long run these things don't matter, and that all that really matters is making it through each day safe, and that 'as long as I am alive, nothing else really matters'.

    I wrote about that here: beautyfrompainblog.com/2012...

    Sorry if I'm being annoying giving you links to my blog posts, but both of these ideas really help me when I am struggling a lot, so thought they might be worth you having a read?

    Take care,

    Amanda

  • Don't be sorry Amanda I really appreciate your comments and I'll read the links tonight and let you know what I thought if that's alright with you.

    Thanks again,

    Andrew

  • Thanks Andrew.

    I'm glad you are going to tell your GP about your plans.

    Regarding your plans, when are you planning to act on these?

    Amanda

  • I was going to wait until , when I have a free house.

    Now I'm not sure. I wake up in the morning and think "what's the point"?

    The arguments with my family have become more frequent, the loneliness and nightmares are making life increasingly difficult.

    I can see Wednesday's GP appointment being my last hurrah to be honest.

  • Do your family know how bad things are for you right now?

    And right now things seem so bleak when you wake up and think 'what's the point', but I promise you that one day there will be a point when you wake up each morning. I don't know when it will be or how you will get to that stage, but you will, I promise.

  • My family know very little to be honest. They know I get anxious that's about it.

    They don't know the true extent of my pain and my self-harming. I somehow manage to blag my way around the blood-stained sheets one way or another.

  • The arguments with them sound very difficult, and it is difficult when they do not know how bad things are, and the affect the arguments will be having.

    Just wondering...

    How do you think they would react if you told them how things were for you right now?

    Even perhaps showed them this thread?

  • I think they would just get really upset. I mean, my mum has her own, physical health problems.

    I'll be on here later after I've seen my doctor if your around I'll let you know how I got on. Really nervous at the moment so I'll probably take something to calm me down.

    Thanks again,

    Andrew

  • Yes please do let me know how you get on.

    I will be logging off about 4:50pm, and probably won't be back online until at least 10pm, but will be back on to see how you got on :)

    You can get through this, Andrew.

  • It sounds to me that you could do with an admission to a mental health ward to get a full assessment. This is quite common with men if your age. There are people out there that will help you. Don't give up

  • ScotlandTheBrave

    I just wanted to let you know that I have edited your post and removed the mention of your chosen method of suicide.

    This is due to the sensitive nature of the topic and guidelines on reporting of suicide methods.

    This is part of looking after the safety of all members of the community.

    This does not change anything that I had said previously. I am not judging you, and I am here to listen and I do care about you and your wellbeing.

    I know how bleak things feel now, and I do hope that you will come back and post and chat more with me.

    Amanda

  • hello Andrew,

    please reconsider committing suicide.

    you have been having a very tough time and I understand that you feel you've got nothing to live for.

    your gp sounds a good doctor, she's there to help and work with you to find the right meds and the right therapies for you.

    sometimes finding the right ones takes time, but believe me there is the right one that will help you.

    When you feel as low as you do, it seems the only way of taking back control in your life is to end it. this is not true.

    Depression makes us see life from a very narrow view point. Our thoughts and decisions are not neccesarily logical or true, we need to seek outside help.

    You have taken an enormous step in taking back control of your life and back on the road to recovery by coming on here today and sharing your story and how you feel. - do you know that I can't do that and how much I admire you for it?

    You will have helped any by putting into words how they feel. any replies you receive will also help them. thank you.

    I made a search online and have found some helplines for you. please consider calling some of them.

    MIND

    0300 123 3393

    info@mind.org.uk

    Saneline

    0845 767 8000

    sane.org.uk

    SANEline is a national out-of-hours telephone helpline offering emotional support and information for people affected by mental health problems.

    YoungMinds

    Helpline: 0800 018 2138

    youngminds.org.uk

    Students Against Depression

    studentdepression.org

    Developed in consultation with students who have been affected by depression, low mood or suicidal thoughts. Many of their stories and suggestions are included on the site.

    Get Connected

    Freephone: 0808 808 4994 (1pm - 11pm)

    getconnected.org

    Confidential National helpline for young people under 25 helps them work out what they need most. Can put them in touch with places that can help - whatever the issue.

    Campaign Against Living Miserably

    Helpline: 0800 58 58 58

    thecalmzone.net

    Papyrus

    Papyrus HOPElineUK - 0800 068 41 41

    papyrus-uk.org

    Support for those dealing with suicide, depression or emotional distress - particularly teenagers and young adults.

    there are also the Samaritans - they are always there for anyone with depression,

    I've called them and just asked them to be there on the line while I sat quietly, just knowing someone was there, or I've talked and/or cried.

    they do help.

    I can only offer you suggestions Andrew.

    Only you can decide what you are going to do.

    I care what happens to you, you are important to me and I truly hope you choose not to hurt yourself, that you chose to live.

    please keep in touch on here.

    regards,

    sandra.

  • I have suffered depression for years"SSSSS, I worked hard, had kids bought houses, and then because not much was known, in those days about depression, it wasnt the sort of thing you mentioned. My family treated me as though I was invisible, they were a toxic family, I was abused, and later sexually abused by a professioonal person, and then stalked. But I survived,,, im here, I had sever depression, lost my memory, and the only thing that stopped me from killing myself was, I wanted to get well again!!!, and feel light and the sun shining again. I knew I was ill, and this feelings and stuff wasnt me,,, not me at all.

    It was like having a devil on my shoulder saying kill yourself, those trees looking inviting, just put a rope round them, and around your neck, it was compelling me to do it. If I was in the car,, it would say in my mind, blue van,,, drive towards it,, it will all be over,,, but the kids were in the camper,,,So that stopped me.

    my family made me feel worthless. ,,, and this illness seemed to play on that,, my weakness.

    Your brain isnt producing the right chemicals and it is this that is making you feel so ill.

    If your honest about how your feeling to the doctors,, they will realise how ill you are. They do get it wrong, because they dont know how it feels because honestly they havent sufferend the same as you.

    Your gp is probably mistified how to help, (he became a doctor, because he cared about people and wants to help,),, dont forget he gets a wage.

    Tell those thoughts to fck off, go and bother someone else,. When they come back tell them no,, Im worth more,, than that. I deserve to be happy!!!! if it helps,, imagin depression is the devil if it helps,,, dont let him win!!! Tell everyone that your feeling suisidal and you have sorted a date!!! So youve planned it in your mind.

    When you have come through this,, you willbe much stronger,, you can educate people who dont know how bad depression can be, theres not enough books out there, of people like yourself and all of us, feel. To educate the gps, or the mental health workers. With your experiance you can change things for the future,,, . I dont want anyone to feel as I did. I trained to be a counsellor, so I could talk thier talk, and I would have the qualifications to help others,, its not easy because their still is that stigma, but thats thier problem.

    I even prayed at night, that this thing would go away.!! its lightened. and have good days. which I appreciate so much more than before depression. It now feels like I have been born again,,, Which ever you decide, were here for you, !!!!xxx

  • Thanks Sandra for giving out all that information and thanks for everyone giving support. Another very popular page is this 'ScotlandTheBrave' - "Suicide...Read this first": metanoia.org/suicide/

    I do hope you are able to find something that's going to help you hang that bit longer, give you a chance to find other forms of support that may turn out to be more helpful than you've received so far. The thoughts of suicide are extremely powerful, all consuming and can literally take over your life so that it does feel the only option available to you.

    I've been seriously unwell many times and once been in Intensive Care as a result of my actions. It's like all the doors are closed and the brick walls are made of steel. As we all respond differently to the help and support of offer to us, for me, something eventually did help, but I can see how you may not have found that yet.

    If you can, please explore further options given by others here and as everyone says, were here for you should you need us.

    Take good care

    Catherine

    on Behalf of Action on Depression

  • Hi Andrew,

    Hope your appointment with your GP goes well tomorrow. I've just read through some of your previous posts. You have provided great support to others on this forum. I do hope you find the support you need at this point. Take care. Thinking of you. Sue

  • Thanks Sue, I appreciate your support.

  • I was supposed to be waiting until I have a free house at the beginning of May but I don't think I can last that long.

    The arguments with family, the loneliness and the nightmares - it's all too much.

  • Hi Andrew.

    Are you about at the moment?

    Please let me know if you are. I'm here to listen and to help you with this.

    Amanda

  • Hi Amanda,

    Just really worked up to be honest. I've got an appointment at the GP's at 17:00.

    It's always busy at that time but I just feel I need to speak to her - not sure if I will be able to handle the waiting room though.

  • Hi Andrew

    Thanks for replying.

    Have you thought about what you are going to say to the GP?

    Amanda

  • Yeah I've been thinking about it since last week, I'm worried she is sick of the sight of me. She is so kind and I just feel so nervous everytime I am there.

    I'll let her know about my current plans and the fact that my room is a bit like a murder scene because of all the blood on my sheets and carpet.

  • Hi Andrew

    I'm glad that you are going to tell her that.

    Please be sure to be as honest as you can about your plans.

    It is very unlikely that she is sick of the sight of you. She is likely working in that job because she wants to help people who need help, and she will want to make a difference to you.

    What do you hope the outcome of the GP appointment to be?

    Amanda

  • Ideally a sleeping tablet / something to try and settle me down at nights.

    She is so easy to talk to and her knowledge of mental health is far better than that of any other "professional" I have spoken to.

  • That's good to hear. It's good to know what your aim is with the appointment.

    I'm really glad that she is easy to talk to.

  • Hi Andrew,

    Hope your appointment with your GP went well today. Thinking of you. Sue

  • Hiya,

    I've struggled with anxiety panics depression health problems since 1980, I've thought about taking my own life, and indeed been sat next to a bottle of pills on a few ocassions too. Cut myself, smashed shit up, covered in blood, tried killing myself on a motorbike too, that bloody hurt :-) and as I laid in the pitch dark, in the middle of a field, smashed up, I looked up, and the stars were out, tears in my eyes, my heart felt like it was breaking, not sure what happened then, but I felt like I was being cuddled by the stars, the ground.

    I stopped trying to kill myself after that, I still struggled really struggled, but I knew somewhere something understood me, and cared, I call it nature.

    My friend did a similar thing, he died.

    I hope you find something, I believe you will, if you stop looking and stand still.

    By the way, love your " ScotlandTheBrave " name is that from Braveheart or Brave films, as I love them both.

    Good luck my friend

    Oh I'm pretty much cured now, the days are long and measured, life is good, yours can be too if you want it to be.

    B

    xxx

  • Oh I remembered one more thing.............whilst just having a smoke outside,

    what happened in the field.

    I let it all come, all the pain anxiety, everything..........and I let it wash over me, its very much like dieing, I just gave in, laid there and let the whole lot do its best. I didnt resist, just focused on those stars.

    And it disappeared................I've forgot many times since, till I remembered.......I'm 53 now, not the warrior I was............but far stronger, stronger in mind.

    Thanks for allowing me to remember

    wish you well

    b

    xxxx

  • Hi Andrew,

    If you're around and feel like chatting about how you went on at the doctors yesterday please answer this and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

    (((Hugs)))

    Lorraine

  • Hi Andrew, It's been a sunny day down here in the midlands. Hope you've found some joy in your day today. Still thinking of you. Sue xx

  • I've struggled with anxiety and depression for many years - probably since pre-teens. I've never been into self harming though I have occasionally described wanting to turn up the music so loud that my head would explode - hope that isn't going to breach any rules about moderating methods of suicide :). In my 20's I sat down with a load of tablets and stared at them and then decided that what I really wanted was for things to get better and they couldn't do that if I wasn't around. Not sure I quite feel the same way - losing my father 10 years ago just left a huge hole in my life. I'm just in the process of realising that my own suicidal thoughts are part of a calming mechanism that has just gone horribly wrong and turned into something that just haunts me rather than the calm that knowing it will all be over one-day brings. I recently decided that I would leave things until my last cat died before doing anything - think that was more to give me a possible end point and the calm that brings than a real intention to do anything. I really hope that both of us find some better ways of coping with anxiety - there have to be some out there.

    My experience of the medical profession hasn't exactly been the best in fact I think being put on tranquilizers at the age of 10 because I was having a few problems coping with a teacher at school - not abusive just didn't know how to express my natural loathing in a constructive way - can't have done anything to help.

    My local CPN was pretty useless but I did see a private counsellor for a number of years and think the most valuable thing I got from him was that sometimes anxiety and fears are the way your mind is interpretting hormones - which is the case for me with my menstral cycle. Doesn't make living with the fear any easier but does at least mean I don't drive myself mad trying to find a rational reason for why I'm feeling scared.

    hope GP was able to help.

  • I'm so sorry you feel that way, it must be hell for you. Do you think perhaps you feel so unsafe you need to be in hospital? Have you thought about going to a&e? People do want to help I promise you that but it's not easy is it? I hear your torment and frustration and fair play for trying things. Perhaps you need to review your therapy options in hospital? What do you think? People definitely do care! Xxx and you are worth caring about xx

  • This is a bit worrying that he hasn't come back?

  • Please don't do this.. My ex fiance (yes we'd split because of his ptsd but were still very good friends and would probably have got back together) hung himself on sept 16th 1998 and even now I still miss him and will always do that. I also have to live - as his very large, loving family do - that we weren't enough for him to carry on living even with all the help he got. The whole of August and September are absolutely awful for me to live through as we should have got married Sept 16th 1996.. All I want to do is go to bed and sleep for 2 months..

    I don't know you or your circumstances at all, but I hope that you realise there are people here for you.. Maybe it's worth speaking to your local mental health department and ask for a new mental health nurse or even just to speak to anyone there, I promise you will find a good specialist, you may need to speak with a few people, I have had counselling from one doctor who was great and I started speaking with a nurse who I just didn't feel comfortable with and I did tell her and she understood completely and found me another nurse who was good. It's got to be worth trying again, your life means more... I hope you will keep in touch with Amanda and all of us, I will be worrying about you even if we don't know each other. Sending you hugs and love xxx

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