Happy Birthday to me?

I am 53 today. My 3 kids woke me up with a birthday cake and had even managed to light the candles without setting fire to the house. Bless them.

My wife, who left us in January, had said that she would like to take me for lunch on my birthday. Hoping for a tiny first step towards some reconciliation I happily booked a table. She then sent me a text wanting to change the time of our lunch date because she had booked a conference call this afternoon. Didn't even bother to wish me a happy birthday. I sent back a message suggesting we did it some other time as she is so busy.

She'd at least got the kids to wrap some presents for me - a movie DVD that I've already seen, a book that I've already read and some chocolates that I don't particularly like.

I am staggered that after 15 years of loving her and giving everything I had to help her happiness, (to the extent that I made myself ill with depression) she now cares so little. Rather than make any attempt to understand my depression and help me through it she has turned her back on me and the children and seems to see us as an inconvenient obstacle to her living an independent life. I've just had my first big weep in a month, I thought the sertraline was working but I can't see past my misery today.

I have never felt so low, so old or so pointless. Sharing this in the hope that it will be cathartic and I can get myself together before the kids come out of school. They deserve better than me.

13 Replies

  • Now, stop it right this minute. They do not deserve better than you...they have you, which is more than it seems can be said of your wife so get on with what you have and stop dwelling on what you don't have.

    OK, she's insensitive, selfish etc. I could go on but what would be the point. You are the one who is there for your children.

    Birthdays, anniversaries and other occasions do not usually bring out the best in anyone who's depressed, myself included. It reminds us that while we wallow in our pit of despair, the world continues to turn, time continues to tick and all we want is to stop the world and get off while we sort ourselves out.

    Is there no-one else that you could go out to celebrate with? Perhaps, weather permitting, you could take your children somewhere special after school?

    Your children obviously love you very much, and you them so there's nothing pointless about your life, you are just looking at it from the wrong perspective...through your depression.

    Happy Birthday and Best Wishes on your road to recovery

    From a stranger who does care

    (((Virtual hugs)))



  • So sorry to hear you're feeling so low. Part of what you say resonates with me, at least as far as receiving presents that seem to show that in fact the givers don't really know you. It adds to the loneliness.

    I think your children are very lucky to have you - you're obviously a loving father and care for them a great deal.

    I've struggled with birthdays most of my life, but in recent years unshackled myself from the idea that they're about age or presents. I started seeing my birthday as being my special day and what other people do about it is up to them. I don't do anything in particular or plan for my birthday - I just do as I please on the day and reflect on the fact that the day is important to me because it marks the start of my life. And in spite of all the misery of depression, I'm still glad to be alive.

    Funnily enough, when I stopped having hopes or expectations of others about my birthday, I started to gently enjoy it.

    So happy birthday to you. Today is your special day - feel free to do whatever you want.

  • Thank you lucky & plaits, it's unbelievably helpful to know that someone out there gives a spit.

    I went and had a very nice lunch on my own. No guilt, no fencing around the elephant in the room, just a good meal in a nice place. One little step...

  • That's so good to hear. Have you got anything planned for later with the kids?

  • Happy birthday and well done you left the house :) never feel lonly you always have us on here to talk to :)

    Take care and remember we are always to talk to you

    Love annie x

  • Happy Birthday! X

  • I hope you don't mind Dolphin35 but I've edited your blog [feel free to object].

    I'm hoping that this will be how you can remember your birthday. the one you shared with your kids and what a lovely way to be woken up :D

    sandra x

    I am 53 today. My 3 kids woke me up with a birthday cake and had even managed to light the candles without setting fire to the house. Bless them.

    kids wrap[ped] some presents for me - a movie DVD a book, and some chocolates .

    I went and had a very nice lunch on my own, a good meal in a nice place. One little step... and I can get myself together before the kids come out of school.

  • Hey sandra, I think that is absolutely brilliant and focusing on all that was positive about dolphins day. We do tend to dwell on the negative and forget what is actually good in our lives. Good on you and , dolphin, I hope your day was just great. xx

  • HI Dolphin35 belated Happy Birthday, I think your doing well considering what you have been through. Enjoy each day, its great you have the children and I am sure that you are a great father. We all need love and affirmation, but don't expect it from your wife, let go of your resentments to her, and concentrate on having a good life with your children. You sound like a lovely man and you are still young. I don't have any supportive family at all, and I have learned to treat myself if I want to. God if I was waiting for them I would be 94 by the time I saw any of them. My birthday is next week and I will plan a treat for myself, as I live alone, Maybe a nice manicure and pedicure to cheer me up.

    Big loving hug to you


  • wishing you a Happy Birthday Hannah ;)

  • Thank you everyone who has commented. I'm in tears again now, but for a much better reason.

    Good luck to you all, I hope the positivity and care that you are showing me is what you are doing for yourselves too. Life is hard on all of us but this little community here shows us that it's worth keeping on going.

  • Some people just cant understand. You cant expect "other people" to understand,,,, it what your wanting from them. your disappointed because you want her to care,,, even after your split, in her ,,shes moved on. People can be soooo selfish,,, fact. You have kids who do care,,, you love them, and they love you. Be thankfull you will have those special moments she will never have,,, now that is sad. (on her)

    If I didnt have the kids,,, I dont think I wouldhave anything, to fight to get well for.

    Next year,, take day off, go to a theme park all together with your kids,, treat yourself, and fff them all. Plan your day, make it special,,, Im going to do the same.

    mothers day was crap. no doubts my birthday, which is just after chrismas is going to be crap. maybe I will plan a holiday. Not wait around to be disappointed :( again.

  • Thank you Sandra 99B for Birthday Wishes, its a great little community.


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