Should we stay together for the children?

me and the father of my children have been together for 10 years, the first 3 were fantastic, i dont know when or why its gone wrong but it has, i am so depressed, i am so lonely, i hate him so much, and though he dont say it he hates me. he doesnt even complain to me anymore, he complains very loudly to the kids, about how usless i am. i get everything wrong. i am scared of leaving him, what if i lose the kids, am i a fit mother, will he turn them against me, were will i live, it's his house, my name is not on the mortgage. i dont know if i can cope on my own. sometimes i think everyone would be better of if i just disapeared.

7 Replies

  • You go to the housing association and say that you need a home for you and your children, you should not stay with him just for the children, without being rude its pretty clear that the children are already being involved and this could so lead to problems and no it will not be better if you disappear it really wont think about your children do they love you what would they do without you, it sounds like you may need to get away look i dont want to go into it all on here for obvious reasons but i will say i could not get my ex to move out of the house we jointly owned and well it affected me badly and i went to social services for help and they did not, my children have now been adopted and i have lost everything cause i did not get away when i had a chance to and although i was really depressed at the time with him and feeling like i could not cope my mood did lift once it was just me and the children i think i may message you if that is ok

    Helen xx

  • No-one should ever stay together for the sake of children especially if they feel as you obviously do. Please go to your local council or CAB and find out what your options are. Also involve your GP if you need to but make sure that you tell them that it's your relationship that's getting you down.

    You may need some ADs temporarily but if you can get a place with just your kids and not their father putting you down all the time I am sure you will gain in confidence in your own abilities and have the strength to fight whatever he may throw at you.

    You are stronger than you think...I was and survived and felt a lot happier within myself.

  • That's a tough one. The obvious response to your post is exactly what Lucky19 has just said. But it's not always as simple as that. I had such bad PND after the birth of my daughter, I convinced myself that I was a crap mother and that my partner was the spawn of Satan. I was terrible to him, and his way of coping was to stay out late, neglect my needs and act like an arsehole. In the end I threw him out. Looking back, if I had addressed my PND while we were still together, we might not have split up. An ideal scenario would be to seek help for how you are how you feeling before you make any long term decisions. However, if you or the children are at risk of harm, whether it be physical or emotional, you will need to go.

    It doesn't matter whether you are named on the mortgage. If you have been contributing to the payments, you are entitled to some of the proceeds of the house. This doesn't have to be you actually making the mortgage payments. He could be doing that while you have been paying the utility bills etc. Seek advice from a solicitor or CAB.

  • No. Never stay together for the sake of the children. They will suffer even as you do. And do you want them to start believing their father? Though not.

    It doesn't matter whose name the mortgage is in. You are still entitled to your half. If you intend to keep the kids then any court in the land would give you the property as a fit home for your children.

    Don't listen to this controlling bully he is just trying to frighten you. Call his bluff and watch him squirm!

    Bev x

  • Your sounding very low, no you shouldnt stay with him because of the kids, hes probably the one whos making you feel trapped, lonely, all those feelings you feel, imagin not having those feelings anymore.

    Its not fair, or right to use your kids the way hes doing, to get at you , no doubts. Our kids learn from us.

    Your in a abusive relationship.

    Go see a solicitor, if you have been with him that long, you have rights,, and he might have to move out. !! married, or commonlaw wife. You have to find out what position you hold.

    Dont say anything to him in anger. Just see someone, its amazing how powerfull you feel when you know what your rights are.!!!!

    The kids cant be happy.

    Then let us all know how you get on,, were here for you. x

  • Hi

    Your situation sounds very difficult but I wonder whether you have seen anyone about the relationship in case it is worth saving. It sounds as though you don't want to save it but if you felt it could be back to how it was maybe you would feel differently? I'm just wondering what went so wrong after a good start and whether any kind of help could bring back those feelings for you both. It's just a thought. Relate are good and charge according to means.

    Otherwise I would not stay together for the sake of the children in your situation as it sounds as though your husband is critical and emotionally abusive towards you now and that is really bad for your self esteem and general health. I agree with the other answers that you should seek legal advice with legal aid and find out the possibilities in terms of separating, etc. then you will know the options.

    If you decide to separate I think the important thing is to ensure the children are kept out of things as much as possible and that their needs are met, particularly their needs to think well of their Dad - don't join in with his criticism because that will only do the children harm, instead you could talk with them after separating about how their Dad says those things to you because he is unhappy and not because he is bad. They still need to think well of you both and if you remain kind towards them they will love you and feel free to love him too despite how he's been towards you.

    I hope things work out for you. I spent 10 years having decided to separate before actually leaving but it wasn't the same situation for me as my husband was not being verbally critical or abusive.

    One last thought which may sound stupid but - have you tried really talking with your partner about how you feel and in particular how you were happy at first and things seemed to go wrong - I'm wondering how he feels about it all and whether he would like things to be different too. It would be sad to split up if both of you would have liked to have been able to get things back to how they were at first - that may be possible with marriage counselling.


  • Hey chin up you have a perfect healthy family

    A couple should never stay togther forsake of kids :(

    You will move on and be happy when mum is happy our children r happy.

    Stay strong and big hugs xx

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