Came on this site although its Scottish and I'm in the south of the UK cos I'm not recovering and Scotland is sure a lot closer than South Africa which seemed to be the only other options. Don't get me wrong, I love Scotland, or at least some of it, especially Glasgow to Inverness inland. Had a BF/soul mate in Carrbridge but she died a few years ago.
Have suffered from depression/anxiety diagnosed as 'borderline personality disorder' and 'schizo affective disorder' previously 'bipolar' diagnosis for most of my life. Very outgoing when young but not good with peer groups. First attempted suicide at the age of 12/13 years old with OD of barbiturates. Assessed by psychiatrist 1 as 'normal'.
Didn't rear it's head again until I was in my mid 30's when I had a psychotic breakdown, tried to quit smoking at same time and ended up in A&E after a week of GP visits every day...given antibiotics, beta blockers etc then changed GP after 3 years and referred to psychiatrist 2 who put me on diazepam indefinitely. Wrecked my 3rd marriage, attempted suicide again by trying to drive into brick wall...failed miserably.
Was put on Nefazadone (still on diazepam) and was much improved. Met hubby no.4 and had 3/4 good years but then lost job (redundancy) and caved in again. Put on Melloril to calm me while finding inpatient place - Priory, Southampton. Psychiatrist 3 who added Effexor and Lithium to my ever growing arsenal of drugs.
Moved house (again) and totally lost it due to withdrawal of Nefazadone from UK market, 6 months of crying daily and wanting to cover my head with a plastic bag. Offered myself up to psychiatrist 4 who suggested inpatient treatment. I agreed so wasn't sectioned. Was in Poole psychiatric hospital for 3 months, taken off Effexor and lithium, lots of trials of different meds. Told that I was treatment resistant and offered ECT - anything that might stand a chance! Had 2 full courses (12 sessions) and came home limp, weary and disinterested in everything. Sat in a corner rocking for most days. By now I was taking Effexor again, plus Reboxetine, diazepam (never stopped that) and prochlorperazine.
That was 11 years ago and have been on a roller coaster of dysthymia to dreadfully down for most of the time since. ECT wiped 2 years off my memory which never returned and constant diazepam...now 30mg pd keeps my memory at bay.
Last year was diagnosed with COPD (smokers lung), no please...no more, cigs are all I have left! Don't drink, don't go out - now agoraphobic too.
If there's a god then my purpose is a complete mystery to me, if not I just got a bum deal when the genes were handed out.
Tried to quit smoking two weeks ago cos my wheezing was so bad I couldn't even cross the road, get upstairs...anything. Got to day 10 and BANG - floods of tears,I wanted to die etc.
How much more do I have to take? I'm now 56 and this has ruled/ruined my life. Awaiting 1st appointment with psychiatrist 5.
Yes, had CBT, tried yoga...all sorts...where do I go from here???