I don't understand.
I have always been a bit anxious, a bit nervous but I always managed to keep this under wraps and be the loud, happy, fun person in a group. I had so many friends, people wanted to be around me, talk to me and I had no problem going out in a group and having a great night. I made people laugh and laughed along with others. I was uncomfortable in one on one situations but I could deal with them and after a few drinks it was no longer a problem I could chat to anyone and everyone for ages about anything.
Its all changed.
I just went out with my BF and his sister and a big group of lovely people I am, if not friends with, at least well acquainted with. I started off a bit quiet, a new thing for me but I kept telling myself it was fine. I laughed along as everyone had banter etc. But it just got harder and harder. My old trusty friend (alcohol) didnt do his job as he used to. Instead of relaxing, becoming more comfortable and chatty and joining in the fun I sat there watching everyone else having a laugh and not knowing how to join in. The few feeble attempts I made were quiet, meek and quickly ignored. to be honest no one probably heard me talk. My bf noticed something was up and asked if I was ok, I got a lump in my throat and it took all my strength not to burst into hot embarrassing tears right in the middle of the bar. I knew it wasn't gonna improve so I made my excuses and left to the safety of my flat.
I just kept looking around me at this full up bar and all I could see was happy confident people, talking animatedly and laughing and having a good time. I cant even remember how to do that anymore.
I feel like ive lost the person I used to be forever.
Im so scared