Meeting with the ex

So my ex came to pick me up last night. At 1st he was being moody and angry in the car, hes upset that he thinks my friend i went for tea with last week im going to start dating. i assured him this is not the case. Then we started to talk about us a little bit, and he asked me did i think it was still the right thing to do splitting up, so i said "without a doubt". He got really annoyed at this appently because of the way i said it. He said it was horrible and he even wanted me to just get out the car, spent the next 10 mins explaining that i didnt actually mean anything horrible by it and i wasnt even upset or angry.

I think he was more upset because i seemed not to be upset anymore, he even said i seemed much different than the last time we spoke.

anyway by the time we got back to his flat he seemed to have calmed down, we started to talk and it was just like old times. after a bit he seemed to want to get back together but i said no because it was still the right thing to do and we have issues that dont no if they can be resolved.

he said id pushed him away and he seemed to blame it all on me. he was the one who was horrible to me for monhs, he should of pushed me away but i loved him too much and i have obvious issues for staying with him.

he said hes been on auto pilot and not really thought about it much, where as its all ive done for the past 3 weeks. he said he doesnt no how it will be though when i take all my stuff away and seemed upset by this.

he kept cuddling me and it was nice, then he kept trying to kiss me cos he thought it would be nice and he really wanted to. I said its not right tho because we are not together and it might make things hard. In the end i give in and we kissed and it was nice and i did want to, i thought of it more of a goodbye than anything. however one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together.

i tried to stop it but we always had a great sex life and as much as i didnt want to because of the thought of it being wrong i did actually really want to and his persistance wore me down.

Then he wanted me to stay and wake up with me in the morning and wouldnt take me home cos thought it would be easier just to take me the next day.

but in the end, my friend who i went for dinner with said he would come for me.

Then my ex got in such a bad mood as he wanted me to stay and he wouldnt even said bye, i explained it would be so hard to stay there with him like old times but he couldnt understand.

i suggested he would need to lock the door behind me, i went into the bedroom to say goodbye to the place where we would sleep and cuddle together and i started to get upset.

i pleaded with him to just say bye to me and he did in the end. we hugged and i cried on his shoulder, then he cried. he said he didnt no how he was going to be able to cope and felt sick and made me promise i wouldnt cut him out of my life.

i had left a bad of his things, including gifts he had give me like a teddy pig (to take to uni to remind me of him) a mug with our pictures on it, a frame he bought me from his holiday to ibiza, cards he had given me for valentines day and birthday, filled with lovely things hoping that this would be the 1st birthday of many. it cut like a knife when i seen these things so had to return them to him. hoping that one day if we got back together i could have them back and all the memories that went with them.

He found them shorty after i left and was so angry and hurt. said he took back everything he had said to me last night.

I explained to him what i said above and it was 2 painful and i hope he didnt mean that he was taking everything back. Ive not heard anything back.

i actually dont no what to think anymore.

10 Replies

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  • Hi again,

    You wre strong in holding onto collecting your things, but it's a shame you still got sucked into having sex with him.

    It sounds like you still have unresolved issues between you. If you are still so attached to him and he says he is to you would you consider going to Relate together? Just a thought.

    However if you really wouldn't want to be with him even if he stopped being abusive then YOU need some help to have the strength to stay away from him for good as there's no point in having sex with someone who has an emotional hold over you if you don't want to be with him.

    You need to make your mind up whether you would want him if the abuse (put downs, etc) and if so then tell him that and ask him to go to Relate with you.

    Take care.

    Suexx

  • Hi Sue,

    I know im gutted about it I really didnt want to because I new it shouldnt happen, i obvisiouly wanted to because i miss him and we are still massively attracted to each other etc.

    i think if we were to try again in the future then he would but now because of uni its best to wait till i finish uni which is kind of what he said anyway.

    i would love to be with him if he wasnt the way he was sometimes, he says im the only person hes ever felt like this about and im perfect for him but we just cant get on!!

    he said he took everything he said back tho and ive not heard off him since - he did like a picture of mine on instagram (a photo posting app) though which i found confusing =s

    xx

  • Hiya

    Yes I agree with Sue , it is hard though to completely break free sometimes, been there , done that, you get so used to what your used to if you know what I mean. And sometimes due to the sheer habit of knowing someone and feeling lonely you can keep going back...once I made the complete break it was better, no more confusion. Everyone is different of course and what's good for one may not be for another. It's hard to totally break free sometimes and because of the way we feel we keep going back. You will make your decision.

    Now when I look back I wished I hadn't wasted the time...

    Whatever you decide I wish you well

    Sue xxxxx

  • Hi Sue,

    well i did want to make a complete break, i thought it was best if we didnt speak again for a while at least and deleted each other off facebook. he said he couldnt bare with that and wants to know what im up to and made me promise i wouldnt cut him out of my life.

    He said i was running away from the situation if i did that.

    He justifys everything and i couldnt argue back!

    i wouldnt go to his flat again thats for sure!!

    xxxx

  • Hi Lush,

    Breaking up is hard to do completely, I remember when I went through that years ago with an abusive partner, You know you should leave but it takes a while to accept this, even though you know it in your heart. I found going to talk to someone very helpful and it strengthened my resolve. I never regretted it, but its not easy. So think about talking it through to someone as this can help put the whole relationship in an objective perspective,

    In the meantime, stay strong and take care of you, start looking after you now, treating yourself and stuff. Big hug to you.

    Hannah x

  • Hi Hannah,

    When i go back to work and i am earning again i am intending to go to have psychodynamic therapy. I have issues in staying in relationships that are painful and i believe its something that may have come from my childhood.

    Who did you go to talk too?

    zoe x

  • He seems quite needy, and doesnt see his part in all this at all, I bet your relationship was all about playing mind games with you,, do you think this what wore you down.? It seems hes like a child, saying one thing, then because it didnt have the effect he wanted it too, he took it back. sounds familier???

    Do what you feel is right for you!! dont get involived with the games,, take time away, and it will seem more clearer. And you might feel stronger. your vunerable right now, so dont hit yourself with guilt in sleeping with him, he engineered it, hoping you would change your mind, and then had a strop when his plan failed!!! typical child behaviour.

    pamper yourself, do what YOU want to do. stay away from what you cant handle, maybe bring someone with you, to help you pack, he might behave himself then. good luck and your on the path of recovery!!

  • Haha yeah it seemed alot of mind games!! he could always make his view the right and only option. i could argue as much as i wanted, or i could just not say anything....nothing worked. He wore me down because i stopped arguing back about things, i just let him say anything and shout at me etc as i just had no energy left and didnt want to make the situation worse.

    he was trying to make me feel guilty when i wouldnt kiss him back, he was saying it was making him feel awful because he was putting himself out there, i said stop trying to make me feel guilty and he said he wasnt and it was horrible that i didnt want to. said its not that i dont want to its just not right!

    only was thinking about himself as usual :(

  • Hi Zoe, the trouble with some people is that are v. selfish and don't ever accept responsibility for their part in what is going wrong. I was in a bad relationship like that for a few years and it took me a few false starts to get away. In the end I went to a Psychotherapist who worked for a womens refuge. I went in my lunch hour from work, she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I think I saw her about three times, and she was so experienced in this kind of scenario. When you change the dynamic in a relationship like you did by telling your partner that it was over, they try and behave all nicey nicey to get you back, once your back, the whole cycle of verbal abuse and putdowns start again. That was my experience anyway, I guess the therapist tried to get me to regain my self esteem, Through the bad relationship I had lost it. Im trying to think back so I can help you, so in a nutshell you need to start thinking about what you want and how you feel. At that stage I never knew how I felt, Its like I was a zombie, sounds strange.

    Getting someone to go with you to pick up your things sounds like a good idea, and keep in mind the reason your leaving. Its because someone was putting you down and so on. You deserve much more than that. I hope this has helped a little bit Zoe. Let me know how things go. Hugs to you.

    Hannah

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