when will i be normal?

As a child i was repeatably abused by a family member (female)from birth as i am told.When i was 11 i was taken into care for safety.I was not much safer there i was then sexualy abused with the outcome of having a termination.as a child i could not understand why this person was the way she was with me my 5 other siblings didnt suffer as i did not that i wanted them to i just wanted to be normal in a normal world. I now suffer from depression and a number of health issues,but my depression is consuming my life..Recently this person has deceased and i thought that i would be able to close this chapter and move on but no.I now feel as so this person is able to see my every move my every thought i now feel more vunerable and my world has yet again been turned upside down.For the past 9 months i have not been out of the house,stay in my pyjamas,only getting out of bed to take my medication for my many health issues.I feel that when i am asleep she can not harm me further.I have had the means to take my own life but i do not want to meet up with her again i just could not go through any more abuse.I know these thoughts are not normal but yet i can not define what is normal anymore i just know that i do not want to live any longer feeling like this.I am sorry if anybody is effected by this i just need somebody to communicate with apart from my husband and kids.

7 Replies

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  • Some G.P.'S have counsellor's and so do women's centre's perhaps a talking therapy might help.

    Relate also offer a sliding scale of fees dependent on your income. Make the call today. Best Wishes

    Remember you are not alone.

    Sue x

  • This is an awful thing for you to have to try and deal with on your own. You should go and see your GP and let them know that you are having difficulty coping with your depression they can refer you to a therapy this referal shouldnt cost you any money, If you feel you cant go through your GP look online for Therapists that are trained to deal with what you are going through. Child abuse can have devasting affects on your life...... but with the right help and support you can reclaim your life back and go on to lead a normal and healthy life. Dont leave this to fester in your mind.....Seek the help that is out there for you.... You deserve your life back, you deserve to smile and be happy and you can have that if you seek the support that is out there.

    Please let us know how you get on.

    Best wishes to you

    Dimitri x

  • Hi Chezzie

    I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering. What you have been through is horrendous and I can understand why you are feeling so unhappy and depressed. I personally would perhaps go and speak to your GP and see if they can help by referring you to someone who can help you get through your ordeal. No one should have had to go through what you have and speaking to someone may help you. Something like this will obviously never go away, but talking it through with a professional may help ease the pain and suffering you have endured.

    Please remember you are not alone and there are plenty of people who are here for you to just talk to and vent any feelings you are going through, so try not to bottle up your emotions.

    I do wish you the best and I would honestly try and seek some professional help to get you through this horrendous experience you have endured.

    Take care

    Tracy x

  • your reactions are normal, reacting to an abnormal event. Look for a counsellor who does inner child work,, which is part of your abuse,,,each counsellors have different styles, and this will help if you work with him or her, and it will get hard, but not as hard as how its effecting your life or will in the future.

    I was abused, and this counselling helped me, as it went to the beginning and saw me right though, to the end. Be brave, and the bacp. will have a list of counsellors in your area. British association counsellors & psychotherapists. If you dont find one keep in touch.

  • Hi

    I am so sorry to hear you have had such a traumatic and abusive past - it must be doubly difficult for you know that you were abused in Care when it is one place you should have been safe. Yours is not an unusual story but knowing that won't make it any easier to live with. I was also abused and know how that continues to affect life even as an adult. Overcoming childhood sexual abuse is not easy because it was a trauma and overcoming any trauma is not easy. Overcoming sexual abuse is harder because it often leaves the person with feelings that are cut off from experience, areas of experience that are not connected with the rest of the personality. You say you were abused from birth, or so you are told, and that will mean that the infant/child in you will not have understood anything of what was happening to you or why you were having the kinds of bodily experiences that you were having. Experiences that are not understood are incredibly painful and frightening to a child and so shutting off was a normal healthy reaction, but leave emtional scars. You have done well to acknowledge what happened to you and to be sharing something of your history here.

    I agree with your question - what is normal? Certainly how you are feeling at the moment and may have felt throughout your life are - normal reactions to what has happened to you. It is normal to feel depressed and to not want to go out of the house in response to finding the world a dangerous place within which you have been repeatedly traumatised so don't beat yourself up about needing and wanting to withdraw.

    No one can change the past, the issue really is how you can be helped now. You say you have a husband and children. I wonder does your husband know about what happened to you as a child, if so does he understand and support you. You don't say what your relationship with him is like so obviously it isn't possible for me to know whether talking with him about your past would be helpful or not, but if you think he would understand them it will be good for you to share at least some of the basic facts with him. Perhaps he knows already.

    You need someone to talk with about what has happened to you. Because of the NHS cuts to services it can be difficult to get the kind of longer term help that childhood abuse can often make more useful, but there are a lot of voluntary agencies that offer support and counselling for survivors of abuse, it depends where you live as to what is available. You might google sexual abuse and therapy and the town/city where you live, or you might contact the local Community Mental Health Team to ask whether they know of any local groups for survivors of sexual abuse. Groups for survivors can be incredibly helpful because immediately you will find people who have had some similar experiences to yourself and that can feel comforting. Just to know someone really understands can give hope that the feelings may eventually be put to rest. What happened to you was wrong and it was not your fault. It does not have to damage your life as an adult, it sounds as if you have been able to live a stable life despite it which shows how strong you are as a person. Children are resilient. But you will have feelings about your history that need understanding and putting to rest.

    I hope you manage to find someone to share the feelings with and that you are able to let go of the past and get on with your life which already sounds normal in many respects. You certainly sound very normal!

    Suexxx

  • Hi Dear :)

    I am soooooo sorry to hear about your past,and how badly that affect your life..

    Well,I am not a psychiatrist or anything like that,but I really would like to help you,because it's not your fault feeling like that. Unfortunately there are really bad people around us, but there is lots of good ones as well.Try to stay positive every day,whatever happens.Take your medication,look at your children,your husband and think how much they love you,and how much they need you in their life.Try to don't go back to past in your mind.I know it will be very hard,but you can do it.I believe in you!try to show yourself how strong you are,because you are! You have been trough such a deep black hole,not all of us would be able to have a husband and children after your bad experience in the past.But you did,and that's what make you amazing.Please believe in yourself,go out,don't be scared.Don't let that shity people ruin your life completely, they have done enough,now it's your turn to live your life as we have only one:) Do it for yourself and for your family, because you all deserve it!

    Sending you lots of love and power! xxx

  • Dear kind monica, thank you for your kind words and thoughts I have been under my gp for my depression but i dont feel as though they are working but all the kind words that has come from yourself and others i have made an appointment to see my gp i hope that he can help and give me some medication that will help me.I am working with my husband and girls to try and deal with the past and leave it there.I need to live for the future i know it is going to be hard but i have to try if not for me but for my family.Once again thank you very much i would like to keep in touch if that is ok love cheryl xx .

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