How do I get the help that I feel I need?

I am 50 years old, (no that has nothing to do with why I am here) A little bit about me. Adopted at birth. Adoptive family decided I was the bigest mistake they had ever made by the time I was 2 years old (her words not mine). As soon as I was old enough I was sent to bording school. As soon as I started making friends I would be moved to another school (or so it seemed) so I stopped making friends. (Still don't make friends, it stops me from getting hurt even more) When i was 7years old She had a daughter of her own. It felt as if she was trying to replace me, the child she did not want anymore. I left home at 16. I have had good times, the births of my 2 children being the best of times. Both husbands were abusive.

To cut a long story sideways I am now working at a restaurant where I am the oldest member of staff. I live on my own in a single room in a HMO. Don't know anyone who lives here as well. At work i am ignored by the rest of the staff and the mamgment over look me all the time. (There was a day when I did not go into work because I thought I had the day off. When I went in the next day I was asked why I had not come in. No one thought to ring me to ask if I was OK. Just went to prove I am not wanted and not needed but they can not get rid of me because I have a perfect work record. (4 years) I can not leave because of my age, nobody wants to take people of my age on.

I have nobody to talk to, nobody to care for me. I know this is all about Me. I just need someone to talk to and to have someone to listen to me.

Can anyone help me please?

19 Replies

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  • Hi I hope you ok. You have had a hard life but have achieved so much in your own children. Stay in your job don't let them intimidate you, make a complaint to management over all the staff, stand up to these bullies. You should go see your gp about the social factor in your life behaviour therapy is very good at getting you back to socialising, but is very hard to get on waiting list.

    All the best and stay strong

    Annie x

  • The trouble with going to the managment is they are part of the problem!! Our manager is half my age, has no idea what she is doing!! Tried to get an appointment at the doctors, went down there in person. I was in a bad state and all i got told was "You can see a doctor in 4 weeks" 4 bloody weeks, I ask you? No on bloody cares.

  • Hey,It's new for me to encounter an old people able to surfacing online.As in china, it is very rare to see even an middle aged people can use internet....

    I am Chinese. In China, raising children will benefit the parents when they are old.It's the social custom to raise old people as normal responsibility.

    It may seems strange to you. I know it's different situations in western, but still hope you can ask your children to drop by HMO more often.It's their duty.

    To understand that,you may watch an excellent movie Taojie,I strongly recommend you watch with your children. It's an movie help me including many Chinese youngsters to understand deeper the relationship with old people imdb.com/title/tt2008006)

    You‘d better your children to help finding a new job for you if you r determined to quit it.

    BTY,you may talk to the doctor or psychological consultant in some NGO. I believe.it will do more favor to you than talking with strangers online,

    BTW,making with new friends maybe difficulty for you,but worthy of a try. Trust me

    Good luck!

  • it was caring of you to answer the blog, but you know, our customs are so very different over here. In our culture children don't feel the same obligcation to their parents, that's sad but how it is. My son lives in Beijing and when I visited it was lovely to see how within traditional families children look after their parents and how valued old people are within Chinese society. It was interesting and gave me a lot to think about. How did you come to write on this website? Are you depressed?

  • That's awful the treatment you are getting from doctors etc maybe keep on there backs make them listen to u.

  • Hi

    Your story is sad, I really feel for you. It sounds as though you've experienced rejection from an early age, first by your natural mother, then by your adopters. It wasn't kind of your adopted mother to say that to you, after all you didn't ask her to adopt you! It sounds as though she struggled from the start and has blamed you for her difficulties which is sad. It's sad that they sent you away to boarding school at such a young age, it's hard for children to be away from home even when the home feels loving.

    It sounds as though now you are without many attachments but you do say you have two children. You must have put a lot of effort into being their mum from your comment about their births being the best days of your life. Do you see much of them?

    Probably you have a lot of anger and grief about not having been wanted by your natural or adoptive parents. I think it will help you to be able to share your feelings about their rejection of you. You were a child and no child deserves rejection. You needed love but didn't get it, no wonder you found husbands who were abusive. It sounds like you now see rejection in every situation, some of it will be real, people can be insensitive and uncaring, but sometimes you will be feeling rejected because you are looking to be loved the way you needed to be loved in the past as a child. Sadly we never can find the love we needed in the past, it sounds as if you know that but you are angry about what's happened to you, and rightly so..

    You say you just want someone to talk to and someone to listen - that sounds like you need some counselling or psychotherapy. Phone the GP practice and say you need an urgent appointment, you are entitled to one much faster than 4 weeks!! Tell the GP you wish to be referred to the nearest psychotherapy centre or mental health centre that can offer counselling because you need to talk with someone about problems from your past. You don't need to say what, that's private. You are angry and need to use your anger to get what you need, use it assertively.

    I do think it will help you if you are able to be with people who value what you have to offer. At 50 you are not old. It sounds as though you struggle to make friends, do you have any friends? You seem to be feeling lonely, isolated and angry that no one seems to want you. Is there any way you can put yourself into situations where you will be wanted? Sometimes being a carer is a way of getting care ourselves too, it feels good to be necessary to other people and that reward gives a sense of value. Even if you are unable to leave the job perhaps you could do something at weekends or during an evening, voluntary work or some other way of helping people whilst getting the sense of mattering to others that you need. It's hard to make really good friends as we get older, but mattering to people for whatever reason is a way of feeling better about ourselves. But maybe that feels too hard at the moment, you are feeling angry and in need of support.

    I have some idea how you are feeling as I'm 63 and feel fairly isolated, but I have been lucky enough to have had enough money to buy private therapy and that has enabled me to move out of feelings from the past. Without sufficient money all you can do is find the services that are available within the NHS and voluntary agencies. They are there but it takes perseverence to find them and get referred to them. Sadly no one else will do that for you, probably the GP will see you as miserable or depressed and put you on antidepressants, whereas what you actually need is support and understanding. Try to find that if you can, it's not your fault you were unwanted, you sound a lovely mum and decent human being.

    Suexx

  • OMG You have got me down pat!! i have just tried to get an appointment at the doctors and was told the 9th of April!! I said that i need to see someone sooner than that, was asked what it was about and when i told the recptionist that I could not tell her she told me could not help get me an appiontment sooner!! Now I am in a right mess again; had been OK this morning.

    Thank you for all your advice and understanding.

    xxxx

  • Hi, go to the surgery and say you wish to see a doctor and will wait until the end of surgery, ask the receptionist to make sure the doctor is aware that you are waiting. When you do eventually see the GP tell them 9th April isn't acceptable and that you were feeling desperate. A receptionist is not able to assess the degree of urgency! Another option is to go the local walk in centre if there is one, you should be able to talk to someone when things feel urgent, even if it's only a usual 10 minute appointment, it's appalling that the receptionist thinks she should have that power!! Suexx

  • I would also go onto the surgery website if they have one and e-mail directly to one of the doctors asking for an urgent appointment. xx

  • Hi alisongrace

    I know getting an appointment can be infuriating, I hope you are not still feeling dejected by this. If you are feeling isolated then that is such a hard thing to manage. Sounds like you need to sort out some regular company or support but how? Such a shame that there isn't a real group of people to support you. I think posters here care or they wouldn't answer you! Does that help at all? I have mild depression currently but sympathise deeply as I know how gut wrenching loneliness can get. Sending warmest regards to you, you deserve not only to live free of bad feelings, but you deserve to be happy too. Can you imagine being happy? It is possible even for us.

  • Hi there,

    The people who have posted on here in reply to my shout for help have done that helped.The trouble is when you have been rejected so many times you feel that even the smallest of slights as a rejection. Just recently I thought that I had found someone to talk to and that they would listen to me as I listened to him but I was wrong cos when I needed to and was ready to talk he was not there to listen. Another rejection!!

    Not having a good day as I have to go back to work after a week off. keep having trouble breathing and then going all dizzy. I know this is stress and I need to calm down but that is easier said than done though.

    xx

  • Hi Alisongrace

    I'm nearly 67. You have clearly been through a lot and will need to talk it through and know some real support to help you lay to rest at least some of the pain. You should not be treated that way by your GP's receptionist! She has no right to refuse you an urgent appointment. Perhaps it might help if, when you ring and are asked why you need it urgently you could say something like "It's a personal problem which I don't feel I can discuss at present." Does your GP offer a ring-back service? If so, you might be able to arrange to speak to him or her. Another way of bypassing 'the dragon' is to write a letter to your GP, explaining how you feel, and your problem in getting an early appointment. Does your surgery only have one receptionist? I did medical receptionist training and we're not all dragons!

    Another possibility is to contact a mental health helpline. The Samaritans don't only deal with people who are suicidal and might be able to point you in the right direction. In many areas there is an organisation called "Mental Health Matters" which has a 24-hour freephone service. Some areas also have a self-referral list for free counselling, although usually with a long wait. There is also literature available on the MIND website which might help.

    Although my parents loved me, for various reasons I felt rejected by my peers, and grew up with great feelings of rejection and an inability to make friends, although I've made a lot of progress in recent years.

    I don't know how many people are in your house, but I would not be surprised if some of them are lonely and isolated, too,

    Do take care. We care.

    Ann

  • Thank you Ann xx

  • Alison, I'm sorry you are going through this. Just a small bit of advice next time the receptionist asks what its about tell them your depressed and that you found it very hard to make that call and you really need to see your gp. You might be surprised by the her reaction. Having depression is loosing it's stigma I know it's a slow process but at least it's taken place. Because depression is such a common illness she undoubtedly will have come across it with herself or a family member or a close friend. Sending you good wishes and a cyber hug.

  • Thank you, I will try again tomorrow xxxx

  • Dear Alisongrace

    reading your blog i could understand yur feelings. when you have had a long time of isolation and protecting yourself from hurt it is difficult to change that. I know i am struggling with it. Being scared of exposing yourself to more pain. Feeling very alone and berefit even empty, is soul destroying, Could you phone your G P and just tell the receptionist that it is URGENT you see the Doctor?(and it IS urgent you see the doc) If she asks why just tell her its personal (she is not qualified to judge). I really hope you get some help and support. Please take care of yourself and I send you love and hugs.

  • Dear Bodicea,

    Thank you so much for your thoughts. Until I can get to see my GP I am writting a journal of my feelings and thoughts of the day. I am also writting letters to the people that I precieve to have hurt me over the years and then burning them!! It makes me feel better, I get my anger out and then in away I am destroying these people. I know this probably sounds daft but it does help. You take care of yourself as well, big hugs back xx

  • dear alisongrace,

    You sound like me, i suffered from a traumatic event a few years ago, I had to give up work and i wrote letters and had a burning ceremony in the garden. it was very cathartic. i keep a journal and if it was ever published they would have to delete a lot of bad words!!!!This is a good way for me that i know.

    You have to do whatever makes you feel better. i do hope you get to see your GP very soon. try to keep your chin up (and have plenty of paper!)

    love and hugs xxxxx

  • Thank you, I am going down there monday morning to get an appointment. if the dragon upsets me there is a good chance that i will have a melt down in reception, see what happens then!! In the mean time i will just keep writing and burning!! YOU TAKE CARE

    love and hugs back xxxx

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