EMPTY

[worthless]

Just wanted to say hi, haven't a clue what i am doing. just feel the need to do something before i go mad, i'm not living a normal life, well what is normal? i'm worthless and no real use to anybody, I so much want to be a happy person but the dark hole i seem to be in is getting harder and harder to get out of, i'm sure them that have been or still are in may understand what i am trying to say, sometimes i think i am off my head or going mad, I sit all alone just saying to myself over and over again for god sake pull yourself together, I have a truly wonderful husband and brill kids well adults, I also have a new baby. so many people think i have it all, But i don't.................... Don't get me wrong i love them all deepley. But i just feel so so empty inside, I have been on medication for many many years now but just don't think that anything has changed, i still don't go out, hate being around people always thinking that there talking about me, i know there not as im sure there talking about far more interesting things, oh I don't know confused about life, do I belong.where do i belong. would anybody truly miss me for me, or just miss having things done for them, who am I? a Mother, Wife and all the other things that go with this...................BUT WHO AM I, I get so tired of people saying things will get better, most of them that are telling me this are people that haven't a clue, I have no real friends as i have always been a loner i'm a person who avoids human interaction or prefers to be alone other than my family being around me, I know this is my fault but i just can't help the way i feel, wish i could change so so much, I don't just want to exist in this world......................I want so much to live it,

[hamble99b]

it's such an awful feeling isn't it?

I have times where for me it's like a detachment, I'm around people, but I feel nothing, I don't feel I have anything in common with them - even if they are friends, I don't want to laugh, or gossip.

When were your med's last reviewed? maybe they need changing.

do you think you might also have post natal depression?,

if you want to, you can call the samaritans, they're there for anyone, not just suicidal people.

I know I've called them, they listen.

I'm sorry you are feeing as you do, but I'm pleased you've joined this forum.

here you can share how you really feel, people care, we understand.

I hope things improve for you soon, I have very low times, but I also have better ones. It's these good times that get me through the lows.

take care,

sandra.

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Hi

I'm sorry you are feeling so empty. I can identify with your feelings as I spent many years of my life feeling very similarly, as if there was simply no meaning to anything and as if I didn't really exist even though I was lising a normal life and, like you, did love my children. It's a horrendous feeling and one that is made worse by feelings of guilt as if I should have been feeling differently. Like you I wondered what was wrong with me.

I went into long term psychoanalytic psychotherapy and although I experience depression and still have more general emotional difficulties at times I do now feel real. It has not been an easy process but it has completely turned my life around in terms of my capacity to connect with people and feel that I have meaning for at least some other people. It's also enabled me to experience the love I feel for my children and to realise what a good mum I have been for them - probably you're a really good mum too.

It isn't easy finding psychotherapy, especially within the NHS and even more so now due to the cuts in services. The alternatives depend upon where you live. If you live near or in a major city you may find there is a specialist psychotherapy department which can offer long term therapy to people with identity and existential difficulties which is what you are experiencing. Also within some cities there are training organisations which offer lower fee private psychotherapy with trainee therapists, often they have extensive skills and experience behind them already and are just training in a more advanced model so you would get skilled work at not such a high cost. It is also possible to find a therapist privately but is not cheap so whether that is a possibility will depend upon your financial situation.

I found it helpful to read about the kinds of problems I was experiencing - within books on psychiatry, developmental psychology, child abuse and similar kinds of subjects. I found knowing that other people feel similarly and that there are explanations helped me to feel less anxious about what I was experiencing, you might find that too, it depends whether you like reading!

There will not be any easy solution. Feeling things are not quite real is a way of being out of touch with experiences, sometimes due to trauma in the past. If that feels familiar to your experience then you may find talking or writing here about what happened is helpful. If you don't identify with the idea of having experienced trauma and can't remember having had those kinds of experiences then it may be that they were before the time you can remember, or quite subtle as mine were where I just felt neither of my parents really knew me - they gave me everything material and were generally not unkind, although my father was very critical, but they didn't enable me to feel real as a person, didn't really see me but only saw their daughter which is subtly different. I don't know whether that makes sense to you.

Keep in touch, I've always found it helpf to talk about feeling so cut off from something in myself, connecting with other people made me feel more real. Now I feel real regardless but still find it helpful to write and share with people what I feel.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help or offer easier advice.

Suexxx

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Hi again, I'm wondering how you are and whether you have someone to talk to? I was just thinking about you. Suex