First time here.. feel so mad with myself... hard to talk to anyone...I'm getting worse!

Where do I honestly start?! I am so angry with myself for being like this but I can't seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like a prisoner in my own home, locked in four walls, wanting to get out, needing to get out, but unable to get myself out. I am letting my kid down, and I am starting to hate my partner for just being there. I'm not sleeping at night, reading, when I can focus, and then just want to sleep all day, and if I do get up I just sit around in my pj's and look at the mess around knowing that I should be trying to do something about it. I have had depression for several years now, and am on Citalopram, which has been "upped" in the last year. I have been off work due to a spinal problem and am awaiting an operation, so I am unable to do much for myself physically either. This makes things even worse. I don;t even want to phone my closest friends up. Is there really any way of coming out of all this? I apologise, as I am sounding extremely sorry for myself. I have deactivated my facebook account since I can't even look at the things other people are doing, I feel so jealous of them all, having a "life". I just so wish I could be like them.

Wow, what a woinderful introduction to this site... enough to put anyone off huh?! Sorry!

10 Replies

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  • Hey,

    Your post reminded me a lot of myself. Do you ever sit with the TV on, but you can't concentrate on the programme because the room is so messy? In the back of your mind you know that in five minutes the room would look better, but actually there's more chance of curing cancer than of you finding the drive to tidy up.

    The thing with Citalopram is that I usually plateau. I reach a point where the tablets seem to stop working and the only way is up. I get scared of upping my meds so I stop taking them altogether. Which puts me back at first base really.

    Don't be angry with yourself, you've not done anything wrong. How you feel is not because of the way you've lived your life, or the choices you've made. Some people wear glasses, some people have massive warts on their noses, and some people get depression.

    What helps me when I'm feeling particularly pants is to try and focus on a day that will be better. I try to listen to my body and I try to spot patterns. I usually know that after five or six crap days, I peep out and have a good day. I keep focused on that if I can.

    As for the friends thing, there's no law that states we have to call our friends every Tuesday at ten past four. If they're real friends, they'll still be there when you feel better. And as for Facebook, I am a firm believer that without that and mobile phones, the world would be a far happier place! X

  • Hi faceless and welcome to the site. We all understand about depression here and I agree with Suzie except about mobile phones - I love mine!

    Sometimes it just helps being able to write it down and get it out of your system. We all do that here - constantly! It sounds like you are going through a lot at the moment. Just try to take one day at a time. Hopefully your depression will ease soon. I really hope so.

    We are always here to listen love. Look after yourself.

    Bev xx

    PS So true what you said Suzie about messy rooms. That is me to a tee!

  • This is my first time too, i read your comments and can't believe you are exactly like me. I sit for hours in the middle of a complete mess and just can't motivate myself to even figure where the stuff should go. I do go out and stay in touch with friends but when I am with them I feel kind of removed. I just want to stop feeling like this i had 2 good days last week and I got so much done and i was so disappointed to feel like this again so soon ,I am also on citalopram sometimes I can't decide whether it makes me better or worse my dose was raised a couple of months ago.

  • hi all this is also my first time on here and i can really relate to you all,i have suffered with anxiety on and off for a few years,but this is my worst ever,i was put on citalopram,and i have had a really bad reaction,and i am now on diazapram,and propanolol,and another new one this morning,i am unableto go to work,so i am stressing about that,i was so bad on sunday that i really scared my husband,as i have managed to hide the worst from him,i dont want to be on medication,but i am scared that without it i will need putting in somewhere,any replies will be great.

  • Hi all.. thanks for all your replies. I know this sounds selfish but it actually helps knowing that I am not alone in all this... not that I want any of you to suffer, I don't mean it like that at all!...

    Well today I have been awake for about an hour and half, having been up all night in pain and trying to read and then finally managing to sleep. I am not even going to venture downstairs today to look at the mess (although hibernating in bed is not the answer I know). I feel exactly like you mentioned Suzie, finding it hard to concentrate on anything like watching tv and knowing that it would only take a few minutes to clean up and I could relax a bit, but I just can't face doing it... its awful.

    I am going to try a few of the suggestions made here by taking it one step at a time and try and see if I can actually motivate myself to get up tomorrow and do something.. albeit nothing much, but I am going to try.

    Its good to be able to have people to talk to who understand what I am going through, as my partner has no idea what its like.

  • Hi all, I know exactly how you feel = when \i get up in the morning I know that if I sit in 'my seat' I ;ll just look at my mess and dust and the dogs won't get a walk either . . its so hard I want ro be better but have felt like this since October I need to get back to work but I'm scared = how stupid is that!

  • Hi Noddy... sorry to hear that you feel so much like the rest of us... lets hope we can all somehow get some strength from each other?!. I know I have only just found this site, but I am certainly glad I did, just having others who understand me is a godsend (how awful does that sound?) :(

    As for being scared about going back to work...and feeling stupid for it... trust me, I feel exactly the same. I am on long term sick right now until I have my operation, then I have at least three further months of recuperation, but I am absolutely terrified of having to go back!. The idea of having to get up and have the strength even to do that let alone focus an work and also try and be "nice" is the hardest thing I can imagine right now, so no, its not stupid to be scared I fully understand you!.

    Can I ask whether you have spoken to your doctors? If not, it is a step in the right direction, although never the end of the problem... I apologise if I am being too nosey x

  • Hi Faceless,

    The thing that really worked for me is do a tiny step forward, whatever that is. A quick win.

    Dont be too ambitious. It does matter if the house is a mess. Just do one thing at a time. Be specific. I could go on about ideas but you tend too lose focus. This is my one suggestion.

    Hope this helps

    Andy

  • Hi faceless i do feel u should go to ure doctor i have been putting it off for years and im not going to anymore and hopefully i will get the help i need and u will to. :)

  • Hi all

    Thanks for all your encouraging emails... I am going to try and take a day at a time and try and accomplish one thing a day like many of you suggest.!

    Today my accomplishment has been to text a girl friend who has invited me over for Sunday lunch (my youngest is out for the day with her older sister)... so I thought this was a good opportunity to see some other scenery!. I hope I have the courage to actually go on the day, as that's usually when I chicken out!.

    I haven't been to the doctors lauren for a while now, and am still just taking my citalopram. I really don't want to have them "upped" again, but if I continue the way I am maybe I will have no choice!

    Again thanks everyone, its good having others who know what I'm going through, as although my partner does a lot for me, he finds understanding and dealing with my depression extremely hard.

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