Most people are good... do you believe that?

I just wondered if anyone with depression genuinely (and be honest!) believes that most people are good people? I don't mean anyone on here, I mean 'out in the 'real world'' - sounds a bit 'us' and 'them', but sometimes I feel like that's how it is. Are people with depression people that 'care too much'? I don't want to be depressed but I don't want to be one of them either, I don't like that caring as much as I do hurts this much but I think im a generally a good person. I'm not convinced people are actually all that nice? Someone agree with me or tell me that's not true, either are fine. Either will make me feel better, as odd as that sounds x

19 Replies

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  • Hi sasays. I find most people are decent and good. Its just that being human is to err and even good people can unintentionally hurt you. Same way we do to others I guess. I don't know about the depression bit though. The only thing I will say on that is that when you are depressed you become super-sensitive and may see hurts when they are not intended or not there at all. I know I do that. I find its best not to expect too much from others. I hope instead.

    Hope this helps.

    Bev xx

  • Hi Sasays

    Hmm an interesting question, I used to believe that most people were good, but now i think differently, after i reached out and it was all used against me and I paid way to high a price and lost everything in my life, I can say there are givers and takers in this world, givers go out of their way to help others and often get nothing in return but thats ok cause they have helped someone, takers well they will take what they can and keep coming back to get more and more until you put your foot down, its hard sometimes to decide, but generally what I have found is that not everyone is a baddie, and sometimes you have to actually reach out and ask for help to get it, I mean people dont know you need it if you dont say anything and then you say oh but no one helped me, I am super sensitive but i know that really good people will say sorry and mean it and the bad people will just walk away and find someone else to use, and generally when they talk its all about them and their issues and then you turn around and they are asking the next person the same thing they asked you cause they did not get the answer they wanted xx

    Helen

  • Hi Helen,

    Completely agree, 'I can say there are givers and takers in this world, givers go out of their way to help others and often get nothing in return but thats ok cause they have helped someone'. I'm worried that therapy is going to try and teach me that this isnt true, thats its not ok to be a giver. I like who i am but no one else seems to care that i exist, there is a strange fix em up and (they) move on theme going on in my life and always has been. If to stop being taken advantage of means to stop helping and supporting people then i dont think thats for me, maybe i was always supposed to be a depressive as long as everyone else is happy x

  • Hi, I don't agree that givers don't get anything! They get the self-esteem and positive feedlings about themselves for having given. I also disagree that takers only take - often they take because they can't imagine being given to if they ask, often they are right in that view, and often they do give to others by honestly sharing who they are and what they feel. I think it's not as black and white as it may seem. It sounds like you feel really cynical because no one has helped you in the ways you find helpful, and I wonder whether you've been too scared to tell them that at the time. Therapists are there to here how you feel so it is important that you try to share all of how you feel including what you feel they are NOT providing for you however unreasonable, it's about sharing what you feel and not what is reasonable, so long as you do that politely! Good luck with therapy. Suexx

  • I can certainly say from my experience of being a giver for many years that being a giver has had neither a positive impact on my self-esteem, or feelings (about anything) in the long term, which has what has led me to have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember, and in turn has got me to this forum, as well as seeking both medical and mental health support. As I previously mentioned I wouldn't have it any other way, I am a giver, and I would rather be here in hell knowing that I am a good person, than elsewhere else having made different decisions on the way.

    I'm not sure I understand much of your comment 'I also disagree that takers only take - often they take because they can't imagine being given to if they ask, often they are right in that view, and often they do give to others by honestly sharing who they are and what they feel.' Perhaps you are referring to something you have personally experienced that I would not be aware of, either that or im misunderstanding what you mean. If a taker takes because they cant imagine being given to if they ask, taking is taking, whether its been asked or not, you're either taking what you can get, or taking what you asked for no? The takers to which I refer have never been honest to me at all, hence my comments on what downandout wrote. I have no prejudgements or expectations of honest people, I just don't find there are many honest people about. But my depressions stems from the relationships ive had so that would explain why I feel this way about the issue.

    Ive really tried to reach out in my time of need, which was really difficult and uncomfortable for me, and ive been more hurt than I could possibly imagine but the response, or lack of. I have low expectations of people due to my experiences, and yet these low expectations appear to still be too high. A great support network makes such a difference, its just not something that I have on my life, despite trying my hardest. I agree nothing is black and white no.

    My therapy appears to be very structured and we run out of time every session, we often don't get a chance to actually discuss anything in the hour, by the time weve gone over my symptoms and had a quick catchup of the week were nearly finished. Its just time I think, from the sounds of my last session it will be more detailed from now on, as we'll state the middle section of my therapy. Thanks for your comments. I will try and continue to be as honest as possible with her, i think possibly the social nicities get in the way sometimes x

  • 'sometimes you have to actually reach out and ask for help to get it, I mean people dont know you need it if you dont say anything and then you say oh but no one helped me.' Also very true, problem is this was pointed out to me by a friend who let me down a few years back due to complete misunderstanding of our needs on both our parts, so the next time things went dramatically downhill i went to her and we've been so close every since, woudlnt be here without her. One day when im happy to be alive (pah) i will owe her everything, i just feel awful that i cant be more greatful just yet, if ever. Oh yes, anyway, as this worked i reached out to my other 'friends' who have frankly always been awful and everyone says so and their reaction has been a massive F U, we're too self-important and/or busy to give a sht about you. I literally cried in a heap on the floor and said we dont have to do anything we can just chill together, there must be some time some of you are just at home, if i could just come over and watch tele with you, we dont even have to talk, it would make such a difference to me. This was in October last yearm suffice to say no one has invited me over. I havnt always been like this (i have but they had no idea) so its not like they shoudl be fed up or worn out by ol mysery guts, its just pure selfishness. At best, which i believe is at worst! they've forgotten.

    Why anyone want to re-produce and make other people live 'life' at this stage i have no idea, child cruelty is it not? ...I am not a child just in case thats implied form my prev sentence.

  • Hi Sasays,

    I generally think that people are alright, if they are real a*seholes then I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and think to myself that they must be struggling with their own demons, or perhaps just have a really different way of communicating. I've yet to meet someone who is genuinely nasty for no reason, it often stems from insecurity or jealousy or other horrid thing they're going through. But if you mean something like you don't think someone cares because they forgot a birthday or didn't call you back or said something insensitive, I've got to agree with Bev - when we're depressed we really look harder than most people for things to pick us up, and fall even further if that doesn't happen. It helps to just see if for what it is - they forgot a birthday which was forgetful, they didn't call back because they lost track of time, they said something insensitive because they were a bit stupid just then. You sound like a lovely person who cares very much and I know it's impossible to stop caring! But trust in others a little, sometimes they're just a little too self-absorbed to see the kindness that you deserve. XXX

  • Do you not think that ocassonally people take advantage of you just because they know they can? Thats been my experience anyway. It seems it takes some time for me to build my trust 100% and the very minite i do they screw me over, like they know they are 'secure' now, that i care about them more than i care about me, and it all goes wrong x

  • I don't know, maybe I guess. Maybe I give people too much credit. But relationships are always changing though aren't they, maybe the moment that you decide that you 100% trust a person is the moment that all of a sudden they feel responsible, or scared, or some other fleeting thing that makes them do something stupid. People play so many games, but that's what I mean about giving them the benefit of the doubt and putting their actions down to their way of adjusting, even when it's really dumb. xxx

  • Good response. Even i don't have naything to say to that and thats saying something! x

  • I think people are both good and bad, that we can all be loving and caring when our own needs are being met but when the needs of others clash with our own needs we can all be really horrible, sometimes even abusive. Right now I feel hurt and so everyone feels bad to me, but I also know people are not all bad and sometimes people are lovely. It's never black and white although sometimes feels like that.

  • I think it makes it worse that the people we think are lovely at one point are the people that can cause the most damage. Everyone seems lovely at one point x

  • i believe some people r out to hurt u and drive u down but the rest r good i think

  • Sounds a bit to me like we're all blindly hoping for the best... but then i would say that x

  • Hey but isnt that a good thing then really that we all really hope for the best, after all if we gave up hoping and seeing good in others or even helping others then we are just really letting ourselves down, because we just are made up that way, and therapy never stopped me from giving to others, it just taught me to see better as to who was just using me when it was them time and who i could help and feel great about helping even a thanks is more than enough for me in return i dont expect them to be there for me at the end of the phone or anything, but if i hit a rough spot and someone tells me hang in there your so strong well that to me is just so uplifting and i think yeah they are right i just dont feel like that right now so i keep that message and look at it the next day and think yes they really are right now what do i have to do, oh i cant be bothered i will do that tomorrow lol but i am back on the right path.

    I personally think its the people we trust the most that hurt us the most, because we kind of expect better of them and that is just normal human nature because we think they know us better, if a stranger is nasty i can easily say oh god they must really have big issues in their life and i hope they work through them, but people i know and confide in and just get told oh shut up and just accept it and get on with it well that really seems to hurt.

    Its great you have been able to open upto people that alone takes so much to do so I think you will be fine, i really hope that at the end of it you are just better able to select who you help and dont, because when we help others sometimes it really does drain you because your not in the best place to start with, but a really good subject that you raised and some amazing comments and input from all the answers showing us that yeah when we are depressed we do take it harder.

    Good Luck and keep us all updated really hope you never lose that caring side you have

    Helen

    xx

  • I don't really like people if I'm being honest. Most are swimming in their own agendas, watching the people who need them bobbing in the deep end. A couple of people care and they are the people who end up feeling like crap. Happy people lead superficial lives. You seem nice though x

  • Could'nt agree more, and excellent analogy!! Thankyou :) You too xx

  • i feel that most people are pretty ignorant and very self centered, or at least that is the majority of people in my life. :L

  • I thought it was my negativity but it seems I'm not the only one. From my experience being a softy I try to help everyone but when I need help there is no one there. I'm always being told to toughen up, usually by the same people who ask for,my help! No, I don't think most people are nice, I agree most are busy with their own agendas sadly

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