I've haven't written on here for a while, I have been doing ok since having a nice Xmas break (and I thought you might want a break from reading about my sorrows!!)
But in the past I have found this a really good place to write everything down and try and organise my thoughts so here it goes...
Christmas was really nice, I spent it with my family and it was relaxing. I felt pangs of sadness and got a bit overwhelmed by being in the happy environment but I managed to get away with early nights so I could have calm and quiet. Coming back to London was hard, not because I was sad to leave my family, but mainly because I was retuning to the source of my initial sadness. (Don't get me wrong I love my family but I was ready for my own space).
But things weren't too bad...to begin with. My first week went ok and I started counselling when I returned to London. I was dubious about doing it and wondered if I would be able to relax into it and open up but I surprised myself and it was easy to talk and think about things once I got going. I'm doing this on a Saturday morning and I'm finding it quite tiring so my weekends have been very unproductive and I've slowly been slipping back into my old ways of isolating myself and staying in bed all day. I'm managing to stay more positive at work though and some days I actually feel like I'm starting to enjoy it (after 7 months) and I've only had one day off because I couldn't get out of bed, which is a massive improvement from 6 weeks ago. I think people think I'm being lazy but there are days when I feel I can't face the world. I even avoid drinking too much so I don't have to use the bathroom. But as I say, I'm having fewer of those days thankfully.
But now a lot of my sadness has settled down my anxiety levels have shot up sky high. I often wake up in the night to find myself shaking in fear. It's quite hard to explain but it's a strange feeling and different to how I feel when I have a panic attack. I still haven't worked out what's causing that but I now desperately need some sleep. I also had a set back on the tube this week. It was horrifically packed and crammed in like sardines more and more people wedged themselves into the smallest air pockets. At one point the doors wouldn't close due to the amount of people forcing their way on and my legs started to tremble and then the tears started and I had to get off. Thankfully another lady stopped to make sure I was ok and gave me a bottle of water and helped me work out the buses so I could complete my journey. Thankfully this doesn't happen to me often but when it does it's so sudden and embarrassing and it triggers even more anxiety so once again I'm back to feeling really low and tearful.
I have my third counselling session tomorrow and even if the snow is 6ft deep I'm determined to get there. I'm still a long way of 'recovery' but I feel determined to rid myself of all these horrible feelings.