what is making me feel this way??

i have been with my partner now for a very small amount of time of 5 months, i just cant seem to fight of the mental images in my mind of him sleeping with other women, and i just cant trust him to go anywhere or even when he is on the computer or when he picks up his phone. i really do think about this all day long and i spend many hours through- out everyday in tears. i just wish it would just stop!!

im so jealous of him looking at other women as it just makes me feel like im not good enough, then i think about killing myself! i feel so much anger towards the whole world and i feel like everyone very much dislikes me because im such a pain to be around when im like this!! when im single i put ,my self in so much danger and nobody can pin me down and i have compulsively slept with men with out any sexual pleasure!

i feel so depressed and often think about all sorts of ways to commit suicide and often plan out my funeral, also think often of an image of my self laying peacefully asleep, and i dont understand why but this makes me feel so safe, it gives me a feeling of happiness and excitement ( i have been thinking like this since i was 5 or 6 years old )!!

i have previously taken several of overdoses, which have mostly been on antidepressants. i am a self harmer, "i am very ashamed to say". i have cut my arms and attempted my throat a few times ( one of these times being only 2 weeks ago of which i also beat my self up, over resulting in two black eyes, one of which was very raised and swollen, a thick lip and brusing to the whole of my forehead proceeding down one side of my face, i really didnt reconise myself in the morning!

i have stopped cutting my arms in the last couple of months, as i made a promise to my partner to provent him from leaving me ( this is so hard for me as i dont know how else to release all the pain inside, "sometimes i just cant cry" and id been doing this for 11 years on and off ) !!

i have always felt like this everytime i get into a relationship, which clearly signifies that i should not be in one, but men are like drugs to me because all i really want in life is a husband and children to nuture and thats all i dreamt of as a child. all these things leave me with physical symptoms consisting of hot and cold sweats including sweaty palms, my brain constantly feels its overfilling my head, i feel sick and tired i shake alot and im so self conscious when im out . i rarely go anywhere alone as its just to nerve wracking for me!! im so frightned of whats going to happen in the future as i just cant take no more hurt!!! i would honestly be ever so grateful if someone could and tell me what on earth is wrong with me??

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  • ok i have not read it all i just want to ask two quick questions, has he cheated on you that you know of or did your previous partner cheat thanks now back to my reading

    xx

  • Ok i am back i have read it all and to me and this is just me so I am not an expert but i would say something happened in your childhood, did you lose your father, somehow the thought of death makes you feel safe as this is the place you go to when your not feeling good it makes you feel safe, i hope that makes sense, so now you have grown up and you dont think your a good person or worthy of any man and you take what ever comes your way, rather than you say no that guy is no good for me its more of an internal thinking well he likes me and i am not any good so i will go with him.

    You accept what comes your way rather than choose, there is nothing wrong with that its just come from years of being like it, the harming i will admit is what really worries me to the max and if you said to me what do you think is wrong with me i would say well i think your on the high to extremely high level of a borderline or emotional personality disorder, you can type this in and look it up but everything you say about the men etc its like an alarm bell going in my head.

    You just sound so much like the thoughts in my head although i have managed to escape the self harming side of things and dont sleep with tons of men, sorry if that is worded wrong but i am now nearly 42 and have had to learn to cope and recognise and deal with it all, i wonder if you are under a mental health team and if you are not then i would really suggest that you get some help because you will end up one day doing the wrong thing and well i am sure that friends and family will never understand you see with suicide it distroys all the people left behind.

    What i can tell you is that the dream to marry a man and have children wont fix it because you will feel like your not a good enough wife that your not a good enough mum etc, My marriage broke up my children are being adopted and now i am left with nothing except trying to find a way to go on and trying to deal with all that has happened when i want to end it all i focus on being there when my children are 18 but it never should have gotten to this point at all.

    You need to get the right help now before you end it or end up married and then losing everything, sorry i really hope that helps you i know i have not touched on your panic attacks etc, but I know there are others here that are great on that subject and i think that for me it was more in my head that people thought i was a bad person so i would not go out alone as it is i dont really go out unless i have to, but if you ever want to message me then feel free to and i will try and help where i can

    Remember you have done well you have taken a big step seeing it and reaching out for help xx

    Helen

  • Hi

    I'm sorry you always feel jealousy in relationships. Compulsive jealousy is a difficult thing to control and often has its roots back in childhood. Why not ask your GP to refer you for psychotherapy where you can begin to unravel what makes you such a jealous insecure person, then you will find you can keep a relationship and not let your jealousy destroy things.

    Suexx

  • Do you find you have extremes when you are high for a time then you are depressed for a while? Your risk-taking does worry me and your thoughts of suicide as well as self-harming.

    I agree that you need to go to the doctors. Can you keep a diary of your symptons? That could be very useful to show the doctor.

    Let us know how you get on.

    Bev x

  • Hi

    I'm sorry you have been having such a hard time and for so long.

    You write about all the things that happen to you and all the things you do to yourself almost as if you do them without realising it, as if they do just happen to you. You say you have had thoughts of suicide since you were a young child and that you have been self-harming for long periods of time, also put yourself into dangerous situations with men and are compulsively jealous. All of those suggest not that there is something wrong with you, but that something wrong happened TO you.

    From what you have written my guess is that what happened was before you were 5 years old and therefore it may be but also may not be within your conscious memory. You may be acting out the feelings from that time. You do not say whether you remember anything in particular leading up to your having thoughts of suicide when you were a child. I wonder whether you had some bad experiences at that time, maybe abuse or witnessing a death, or perhaps there was just a pervasive sense of unhappiness and despair?

    It may help you to feel some control if you are able to begin to tell your story. What was your life like as you were growing up, what was your teenage life like, what abut before that, did you have friends. What was it like for you at home when you were a child? If you feel able to share some of those experiences here you may find that things settle a little for you.

    Suexxx

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