Somethings up and I can't talk to anyone about it as they have their own problems so I'm just going to have a good ramble online to make myself feel better. I don't know what is wrong but something is wrong. I can feel it, something is there, in my head, I know it. This isn't an ordinary teenage cry for attention this is a freaking SOS! I don't know if this is teenage hormones (and if it is then evolution better fix it cause this is just messed up) or is just like some practical joke, like life is really just like in the Matrix and everyone on the outside world is just messing with my wiring trying to make me crack cause I'm already cracking. Every second I'm thinking is this normal, is this right, is this what goes through other peoples mind and I swear to God if one person on Earth deserved to have the ability to read minds it should be me because the not-knowing is killing me. I'm not even feeling depressed right now and I'm freaking rambling online like a psycho, my hearts pounding and I'm sweating and now I'm just describing my physical state like a weirdo. I was feeling down a few days ago, the days surrounding xmas which was crap as my brother had come to visit from the US and I was acting like a complete B with a itch (and I don't even say that. I'm a swearaholic.) I'm going off point. I think about death, in different forms like sometimes I think of the aftermath like ambulance coming and the funeral or things like yesterday I was talking to my uncle and whilst talking he was shot in the head (in my head not in real life) and I don't hate my uncle (used to but thats just teenage drama) so it wasn't a vengeful thought it just happened. Like the time I saw my aunt get shot when she walked in the room and sometimes its me doing the actions (not those specific actions but actions) but not shooting but I don't want to get graphic. I was having these thoughts mostly a few weeks/months ago and then they kind off faded out but then it just came back yesterday with a bang (bad pun, horrible pun, crude pun sorry) I'm rambling. I don't ramble. I don't a rambler. At least not out loud, in my mind I do a lot, I think I ramble in my head more than actually think if that makes any sense at all. I have conversations in my head through all the time, like interviews and confrontations and arguments and speeches about morality. That's what goes through my mind for a majority of the time until I become exhausted like I've actually just been physically yelling at about a dozen people. I think I live in my head, it's my habitat, I'm in my head more than I am the outside world. I'm going off track but now I don't even know what I'm talking about. Brain fog! I get that twenty four seven, I get confused about what I doing, what I've just been saying, my memory has just plummeted over the last year, like I'm having a conversation with my friends and I'm about to say something and then I'll forget it and then remember it and then forget and this goes on and on until my friends are literally screaming at each other to shut up before i forget again, its like a bad comedy sketch. I've just forgotten what I was going to write so I'm going to write about something else. My mum brought me a diary to help with my 'memory issues' only its first date is January 1st so its not helping. Anyways I'm really going to use it as a way to analyse what's going on in my head as like I said something is wrong with me (that is fact not a little moment on uncertainty in my brain, this has been going on for months after I became aware of my mood drops). Anyways as it starts in two days and I have a lot on my mind, I haven't unwillingly but willingly chosen to ramble. Anyways back to why something is wrong with me, violent impulses, recurrent depressive episodes (1.feb-apr, 2.i think i short one in july, 3.sept, 4.oct, 5. more like a happy but angry state in late nov, 6. few days ago) and thats only this year! I basically live in daydreams and fantasies, crying for no reason, anger problems, I self harmed back in sept but it was after my depressed state so I had not real reason to do it I just had an urge over two days and one day was home alone and did it (I'd never done it before and haven't done it since because it didn't really do anything for me), I basically tormented my mum in my happy but angry state (more than a teenage tantrum but I don't really want to go into it but after I did something pretty bad I was preparing to check into a psych ward but couldn't because I couldn't tell my mum what was going on and I couldn't just disappear on her - although later that day I pretty much made an idiot out of myself by literally skipping around school like a loon and embarrassing my friends in front of school visitors who probably thought that I was high), recurrent feelings that I have no future and that should just die (I had that a lot during my xmas mood dip, I would go to bed thinking about I won't be able to handle anymore frustration over my mental state and being a young carer and school and a future that didn't seem reachable, I even thought about what would be in my suicide letter and how I would 'go') I can't control what comes out of my mouth and somethings do simply weird, stupid things like spinning (physically twirling like a wannabe ballerina) in a fish and chip shop because I was bored and making fish noises in a exam and I knew that I looked like an idiot and was drawing attention to myself but I didn't care (and I've never been that outgoing, confident person, i hate attention it makes me feel awkward so all that stuff is completely out of character or maybe not but i'll get to that in a minute), I felt lonely basically all of my childhood and often write songs or poems about how I 'live in the dark', throughout my entire childhood all the kids called me crazy because I got in physical fights with boys (not play fighting) on my regular and I had a potty mouth from the get go and anger problems involving kicking doors and running out of classes in crying and screaming fits, physical problems that I've read are symptoms of various mental disorders like daily headaches, heart palpitations, joint pain, fatigue, binge eating, trouble sleeping (during happy but angry state I was going to bed two-three hours later than usual and I started drinking coffee because I just 'didn't want to go to bed' - I have common sense you need sleep! so that was just stupid but again last night I went to bed at 6am and woke up 7:45am, mad paranoia (whoevers behind me is following me and I find myself thinking someones following me after hearing my own footsteps - but thats with my headphones in so...), if you're laughing you're laughing at me, if you're looking at me you're talking about me. I'm lost now and don't know what to write. I'm terrible at rambling. What I was thinking a while ago as one of friends suggested that I could be bipolar after my depressed episode in october (she knows nothing about bipolar through) but I had been thinking about it for months before she said it and I remember wondering if my weird spinning in fast food shops, angry outburst, skipping in empty dark classroom, foot in mouth -ism was mania as it obviously wasn't normal but maybe it is normal and I've possibly just found my annoying personality and its a coming of age kind of thing. But I get the whole coming of age, finding yourself thing but if this is honestly just the beginning of 'finding myself' then coming of age should be charged with manslaughter because this is ridiculous.
Feel free to criticise I think I'm in need of a kick up the arse.
Can't believe I'm posting this.