Everything i love goes

Everyone and everything i love goes, i lost my first baby at 18 and my second at 20, i have lost so many friends in my life, which made me turn to drink and self harm, and i done stupid things over the years, i love my family but they know nothing about me, i lost my dad april 2008 and my grandma october 2008, that built up the strain and sadness and tourment i already had inside of me, then in 2011 i lost another baby at 5 months, i am not sure what i done in life for this, and some times just feel so low, i was one of the happiest girls you would ever meet, even now i put on the biggest smile to keep others happy, but sometimes it slips infront of them and i put on another show. I have not been able to keep a job for near 5 years, i am bot shy of work i have worked since i was 12 years of age, but i break down crying so many time at nothing at all, i have to make up lies to cover why i really cant go to work that day as i cant get out of bed or have had no sleep for days, or i am just a huge emotional wreck, i have let it go on so long i just want it all to stop, i want to feel normal.

14 Replies

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  • Aww Vjcky

    I feel so sorry for you. I have lost one best ftiend 2 years ago & my Grandmother to who I eas very close. I think bout tbem & miss them so ver much. Also other family membets that I es'nt so close with.

    My heart geos out to you. I am a Mother of a 22 yr old & I feel that because of my depreszion je is what keeps me going. He does'nt live with me though.

    Have you had any form of councelling by Cruze or. mental heath team? If not I think you should. These people are trained to help people like you.

    I'm sur it .akes you feel like you dont want to get too close with people incase you get hurt again.

    Have you got a husband/partner?

    I think come Monday you should go see your Dr & tell them exactly how you feel. I think you sound vefy depressed & who can blamr you. I'd be in a bzd way if I was you.

    Vk get yourself professional help.

    I am so sorry I cant help you & dont know what to say except I am sl sorfy for what you are going through.

    Get the belp & come back & let us know how you are doing.

    God Bless you. Stay strong.

    Luv & Hugs

    Jackie xx

  • Thank you Jackie, its just reall hard to know who to speak to and my doctor knows me all my life and my family so i dont think i would be as open as i want with him and i am stuck as i dont know who to go too. i am not married i am dating he is amazing only 2 months ogether but he travells alot due to his job and its hard, is there any people on here who i can speak to who may be able to help me at all, its like today i have not got the energy to get out of bed, and there is so much good going on around me today but i just feel lost sorry to go on x

  • Hi Vicky,

    I can only imagine how ur feeling loosing so many people and things from ur life that matters so much. What Jackie said about getting help is right. For very many years I have been depressed and I am now getting help. It does not happen overnight, and u have to want to feel better. Coming on here and expressing your feelings is the first step to ur recovery. Know that whatever is happening to u has nothing to so with what u may or may not have done. It is just life throwing you curve balls. You seem strong enough cause even after all these years you are still here. It's not that it is all unbearable cause u are still here bearing it...it's tht it is uncomfortable. Keep fighting these feelings, don't let it drown you...you are strong. Go see your doctor. It is not for him to judge you, he won't judge you...and take care of urself...God bless u and I pray for many good things for u in 2013

    Xxx

    Odette

  • thankyou for your kind words, i just dont know where to start, i will go see help its just making that first move x

  • Once you make the appointment & get in there you will be fine. Trust me.

    There are many caring Drs still around.

    Luv & Hugs

    Jackie xx

  • HI Vicky ah i think i may have commented on your other post and now it all makes sense, can i just say never be afraid to reach out and ask for help for years my mum told me its a sign of failure but i now know just how much it takes to do that and i see it as a good thing cause if it helps you its bound to be the right thing to do.

    Oh dear i just want to come and give you a big hug, in a way it sounds like your so used to losing things that you now just expect it which was something that was said to me but seeing the doctor and getting referred onto mental health and getting some proper medication and some therapy i think would really help you and yes as the others have said it wont happen overnight and it will be hard but you will get there,

    I once asked why i got so much crap and others seem to cruise through life and i was told its simply that you are stronger and can deal with it, there is also my joke i have my god i must have been a right rich b**ch in a past life to get this lot, everyone has different ideas on why some of us have tough times and others have what we see as charmed lives, but no ones life is perfect and they may just be better at hiding it.

    The lack of sleep pattern will not be helping you at all because it affects the overall mood system but you have already taken the first step you have reached out here and let us support you and that is a massive step so well done you and so well done for dealing with it all on your own you have such a great fighting spirit and you seem to still be able to focus on some good like the man in your life, but i do actually wonder if you ever had any form of grief councilling for the loss of these babies whether they were born or lost in the womb there is still a need to speak about your feelings and the loss as well after 4 months we all think its going to be fine and i wonder if you have a support group in your area that goes under the name of sands, as they gave me some great information but then i actually did have a breakdown a month later as i just could not understand why after i had managed to have two children even if it was damn hard work to get the 2nd one here alive, and now i have lost them they are being adopted and i have no one i just have well support groups and fellow parents i dont know that are fighting that system and then this well i call it a group yes its a website but i find that if i can help someone else and they can relate to anything and it makes them feel better well it makes me feel better.

    Hang in there Vicky and we are all here to help you remember that

    Helen

    xxx

  • Hi Helen, thank you for your kindness, i have made appointment for tomorrow, fingers crossed, i am so fed up of feeling so dark i use to be the happiest girl you would see, who travelled so many places lived abroad now its a struggle to get up, its just hard xx

  • Another thing that helps is to so something, like a hobby....I used to read all the time...for hours and hours, til my head will hurt....I recently took up sewing...oh and does it help...I can't even sew...been trying to make the same dress for over a week...and funny thing, I enjoy takin it apart and redoing it...ur gonna be ok...ur not alone, ur never alone, especially not on here...just keep reaching out when u need to...I am not 100-% myself but if u want to talk to someone, I am here...MSG me privately if u want

  • hii feel like everything i love has been taken away from me, my cat died in january my dog died 2 weeks ago and my mum died 1 week ago. my cat was 10 years old and had cancer so i had him put to sleep. my dog was 6 years old she got run over by a car and was killed i only had her for 4 months but i loved her. my mum died on 18th december she was 86 and i knew it was coming but was still a shock. her funeral is on 3rd january. my depression has gone really bad stopped taking care of my self and just sit and cry all day.

  • hii feel like everything i love has been taken away from me, my cat died in january my dog died 2 weeks ago and my mum died 1 week ago. my cat was 10 years old and had cancer so i had him put to sleep. my dog was 6 years old she got run over by a car and was killed i only had her for 4 months but i loved her. my mum died on 18th december she was 86 and i knew it was coming but was still a shock. her funeral is on 3rd january. my depression has gone really bad stopped taking care of my self and just sit and cry all day.

  • hii feel like everything i love has been taken away from me, my cat died in january my dog died 2 weeks ago and my mum died 1 week ago. my cat was 10 years old and had cancer so i had him put to sleep. my dog was 6 years old she got run over by a car and was killed i only had her for 4 months but i loved her. my mum died on 18th december she was 86 and i knew it was coming but was still a shock. her funeral is on 3rd january. my depression has gone really bad stopped taking care of my self and just sit and cry all day.

  • hii feel like everything i love has been taken away from me, my cat died in january my dog died 2 weeks ago and my mum died 1 week ago. my cat was 10 years old and had cancer so i had him put to sleep. my dog was 6 years old she got run over by a car and was killed i only had her for 4 months but i loved her. my mum died on 18th december she was 86 and i knew it was coming but was still a shock. her funeral is on 3rd january. my depression has gone really bad stopped taking care of my self and just sit and cry all day.

  • Hi all thank you so much for your kindness, i have made an appointment to see a locum doctor tomorrow morning, i guess that is the first step right? i really hope this work in time as i dont know if i can take much more to be honest. xx

  • Hi Vicky

    You will have seen the doctor by now, I do hope it was a positive experience and that you felt understood. Perhaps he gave you medication? With so much loss I do think it would be helpful for you to have some bereavement counselling as well because although depression can be helped with meds it is important to hold onto the fact that it is also a normal healthy reaction to loss and you have had so much loss in such a short time. Once the drugs have kicked in, presuming you were prescribed with meds, then do ask to talk with someone in order to share your feelings of loss and understand their significance. That will make it less likely that you will become long term depressed.

    Suexx

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