It just hurts so bad

I have never felt this low for this long in all the time I have known myself to be depressed. I know that its the time of the year but I think its more than that. the last few months I have been struggling with the realisation that my mother hated me. Many years shes verbally and emotionally abused me and I was told that maybe she's stressed, or she says things that she doesn't mean when she is angry. I just took it all and suffered in silence. Thing is, she never said she hated me, but I felt like she didn't like me. A few months ago she claimed she hated me 'with great hatred' (her exact words). Again, i thought it was just anger talk, but she proceeded to do and say other things and when I finally accepted that she really hated me, it was the worst moment of my life. Tried talking to another family member about it but again, i am told to get over it, that she is my mother and it doesn't matter that she said to me.

At first how she could hate me was what kept me up at night. My CBT therapist said it wasn't about me, that it was about her and in some ways I believe it. But then I started thinking that maybe she thinks I am not good enough to be her daughter, and a whole new depression starts with wondering why i wasn't good enough for her. i never done anything bad...not that I know of, yet she claims I have been hurting her since I was 16. She wasn't even around when I was 16. She says she wants nothing to do with me, that I was dead to her. On to this moment i am still trying to figure out what it was that I have done to make her feel this way about me. I contemplate approaching her but the thought of what she will say to me, i think I would rather not know than have to deal with the kind of things she will say to me.

You see, no one believes she is that way. She shows everyone a different face. i have 2 brothers that she adores more than anything else. They barely even speak to me too and I haven't done anything to them either. Sometimes I am ashamed that I get depressed because I pride myself on being a strong person, but I can barely sleep, I do't go through a day without either breaking down or be soo close to it. I don't want to feel this way anymore and I am trying, I really am...but i don't know what else to do. I lock myself away from people because I don't want them to see me in this state and it does not help that everything is breaking down around me. And the thought that I am alone this christmas - its a cold lonely world.

I really want to believe its going to be ok and in a way I do...I just dont know how....

7 Replies

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  • I'm sorry to hear that, i can relate to how you feel about your mother. I grew up with an abusive unstable mother and now i am older and have spoken to my brother and sister about it, there reply was well why didn't we see it? has i am guessing the same effect as " get over it ". The important thing is it matters to you, you know it has happened and that's all that counts.

    Your definitely not alone and at least you are in the right place to talk about it.

    I too will be " alone " this Christmas but i have told myself to get through it by talking to others with the same problems and we will support each other.

    Don't be ashamed for having feelings, it just shows that you have a heart.

    We will all be ok one day, just keep trying am sure you will get there.

  • Thank you Ollie...I knew am not the only one who has a mother that dnt want them, it's just hard to accept tht mine doesn't want me....I kno I have to move on, m just unsure how and where to start. Ur words are very kind, again thank u and have a wonderful Christmas

  • Hi

    How sad that your mother has so little ability to care that she needs to direct her hatred towards you. That must be really hurtful for you. I always felt unloved by my mother but at least she didn't tell me she hated me. I feel really angry on your behalf!

    I wonder why you continue to have anything to do with her? Perhaps you hope that one day you will win her love? You won't. If she is so abusive the kindest thing to yourself would be to stop letting her into your life. She is abusive so you will be better off if you can stop hoping she may one day love you and accept that she doesn't have the ability to fully love anyone, even if you were perfect, because she is unable to love, it's impossible for anyone who directs so much hatred at anyone to love deeply. It isn't enough for her to tell you that she says things she doesn't mean. I would write and tell her so, tell her that you will no longer take her abuse, let her go and grieve for what she will never be able to give you. I know that's sounds harsh, is easier said than done and will hurt but at least you will no longer be allowing her to hurt you further. She does not deserve your efforts, find someone else to give your love to, someone more deserving.

    I'll also find Christmas hard but at least we can use the website and get in touch with other people that way. Perhaps you could set yourself a new year resolution of finding ways to make sure you are not alone next year? Can you join a support group locally, or share Christmas by inviting someone else who will be alone? CBT can be useful but it can't alleviate the hurt you feel, the only way you can do that is to gain the strength to stop being a doormat for your mother's hurtful comments and get on with your life, prove to yourself that you are as loveable as undoubtedly are.

    Suexx

  • Hello Sue, thanks for your words. I have taken up sewing, only I am having some problems...wish I had the money to do some classes....looking at online tutorials. They help some...will get better as I practice...

    I cud never hate my mother...she goes around telling everyone her children hate her...no matter what she has done to me, I cud and never wud hate her, I forgive her, I pray for her...I kno now that no matter what I do she wud never love me so I have decided to start doin things tht pleases me....I wish she can see me for me and not the person she wishes I can be...

    Have a very merry Christmas and a blesses new year...

  • Hi, I'm with Sue on this. If your mother feels this way and cannot/will not explain why, then I'd try to move on. Try to find positives to focus on in your life and leave this horrible negative issue behind. Easier said than done I know. Take care.

  • Hello Sue, thank you for ur words. I am trying to move on, I really am...it's just hard u kno....I have this thing where I won't let anyone close because I figure if my own mother who brought me into this world dnt love me then no one else does, no matter what they say....it's a very lonely way to live, but it's all I kno

  • Hi

    because your mother doesn't love you does NOT mean you are unloveable! It is just as likely to mean that she is just unable to love in the way most mothers love. She has the problem, if she is unable to love her child. Perhaps you can separate from her in your mind and realise that that you are a person who is potentially loveable regardless of whether she loves you, and then let other people love you, not in the way she might have because no one will love you as a mother might have, but they can love you for who you are.

    I hope you manage to have some good experiences at Christmas, love and take care of yourself as you would have wanted your mother to love and take care of you.

    Suex

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