Help: my anxiety and guilt is too much to handle!

I lost a member of my family recently and it has only just made me realise how much I am struggling with guilt and anxiety. I feel constantly guilty about everything and I can't make decisions on my own at the moment. People keep telling me that it might just be grief, but this past week I have realised that I have had these symptoms for years- but that they have just become too much to handle right now. I keep having suicidal thoughts (I'm convinced that I would never go through with it, but these thoughts keep recurring) and I just feel that putting an end to something is the only way to cope. I have been prescribed time off from work (a new job that I love) but I am obsessing over feelings of guilt for taking of so much time. I seem to be going around in circles and feel that there is nothing I can do- just kind of hopeless! Can anyone sympathise or see any sense in any of that??????

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  • Totally to the point where you get nothing done even when you were trying to do something and then you think your a failure are you on any form of medication as it may be something to think about, i know that when i got put on medication it did help settle it, and fleeting thoughts are ok its when you sit and really think about how you want to die and start to obsess over it, I fleet they say its from my childhood something my siblings used to say to me saying that i should have died instead of my dad as they were not allowed to talk about him around me as it would upset me, i dont even remember him but with a theropist it was worked out that this is where i go to be safe in a way if i fleet and think i would be better off dead and see a rope then i snap out of it and get back on with life, use the new job to focus you in something to live for, and although it may be grief its not advisable to get any form of help for that for 6months i was told the other day as its all to fresh and feelings are all mixed up. I did once pack up my whole flat wrote a note and had drunk a bottle of booze and had taken 50 tablets when the damn police turned up as my ex was holding my son and not returning him to me like it was agreed i really thought i had nothing to live for, so i got dragged to the hospital and then sent home 4 hours later and i tell you walking into that flat and seeing it like that really scared me, I am now on a focus on one thing to live for and if i go 5 days stuck in the mass i want to kill myself i have to go get help as that is when i will act.

    Try not to be so hard on yourself, it may be just that this has brought out deep buried feelings and its not your fault your not well, you dont say what you feel guilty about have you tried to write it down and then maybe burn that bit of paper to get rid of the guilt, we all feel guilt when we lose someone we love we should have seen this we should have done that why did i not visit more why didnt i call more etc, I should have known i should have this and that but we all have our own lives and cant be there for everyone all of the time as for not being able to make decisions it kind of sounds like you dont believe in yourself and well its normal when you are stuck in the cycle of depression and anxiety, because you so want to do right and to feel better.

    Speak to your doctor or if you have someone close that you can speak to and see if it helps and also when you think about suicide think how the people would feel that you leave behind and what ever comes as the most powerful feeling to make you think oh no i couldnt do that use that to focus on to stop you from acting and never be afraid to reach out and ask for help and ring the support lines etc or come here we all understand in different ways.

    For me my focus is my children they are now being adopted and i nearly did act last month as it was too hard a year since i had seen them and a very nasty statement from my abuser ex husband and i just wanted out of it all could not handle the hurt and i focussed on the fact that i owe it to my children to keep fighting and if i lose i have to be here for them when they are 18 so that they can hear the truth, I hope something i have said helps you, but know one thing your not alone and your not doing anything wrong xx

    Helen

  • God grant me the serenity

    to accept the things I can not change

    Courage to change the things I can

    And the wisdom to know the difference.

    One Day at a Time

    Just for today I will break the chains of guilt

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