I don't really think I have anything new to write, but I'm feeling particularly sad and low this week so I thought putting it in to words might help.
I started the week feeling ok but by the end of Monday I felt exhausted and came home and felt really tearful. I forced myself to go to work on Tuesday, I was late but I made it, because I had a meeting in the afternoon. I felt really uncomfortable in a room full of senior people and I didn't even end up contributing anything so I felt useless. I tried to continue the day and even agreed to work to the work Xmas party that evening. I don't stay too long and by the time I got home I just felt overwhelmed by being out with people, most of which I don't know how to talk to, and ended up in tears once more. I had a terrible night sleep and started to worry about work and when I woke up I really couldn't face going to work. I just want to hide away from the world at the moment. I haven't left my flat since Tuesday, although I might be brave this afternoon and go to the post office. I emailed my manager yesterday to try and explain how I was feeling. I didn't get a response so I worried even more and I'm scared that they're going to get rid of me. I do want to be able to do my job and deep down I know I can do it, I've done more difficult jobs before! I just can't seem to find my confidence to write and email or call anyone. It feels so ridiculous.
I did get a reply from my manager today to say if I come in tomorrow we can have a chat to make sure I'm ok. Initially I felt alright about this, but now I'm starting to worry again.
I just want this year to disappear so I can make a new start. But as much as I am looking forward to Xmas and spending time with my family, I'm already worried about whether I can hack the 'January Blues'