feeling worthless and hopeless

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't feel like I'm good at anything. I'm always doing something wrong. I make a lot of mistakes in whatever I'm doing. When I was in school I made mistakes on my school work and now I do the same on my job. I have poor memory, Im always forgetting things. I forget birthdays of people important to me, processes at work,. I just can't seem to remember anything, I honestly don't know how I made it through school and graduated .I'm not good at anything because I make so many mistakes and am forgetful, I don't excel at anything. Oh, did I add that I'm introverted which makes life more interesting.I feel like I don't know how to engage in conversation, everyone seems so much smarter and more informed than me or have more "mainstream" interests like sports, which I have never cared for.Im already almost 30 yrs old but everytime im in a group and I will try to open my mouth it seems like they love to make fun of me,maybe because I talk non sense and Im too stupid for them.Even my own family thinks im so weird especially my mom,sometimes I hear her talking to my Dad and sister that I don’t know how to talk.I am extremy shy person,I only have few friends,most of them I haven’t seen in awhile since I started working abroad. I was never popular, exceptionally pretty, slim or greatly talented. Although people tell me I'm pretty, I honestly don't know what they are talking about or looking at. I do like to draw,I was told before that I have very artistic hands but after highschool I haven’t draw anything so now im trying again but its not as good as when I was younger.

At work im getting treated very badly,I been working for company for 3 yrs already but until now I’m still

Getting scolded by my managers,everybody says that I don’t know how to work properly.I always tend to make a lot of mistakes and Im very forgetful.I do everything all the hardwork compared to my colleageus but most of the time I don’t get recognition from them,they always notice my mistakes .Now I am on my third year,everybody is getting promoted,except me,my batchmates even the junior staffs but I still have the same position.I thought so many million times of leaving my job and looking for another one but I don’t have any choice but to stay.as of now I am the only one working for my family,Ihave to support them.plus I don’t have any savings that’s why I cant stop working.I already lose so much hope in becoming a better person,I feel like my whole life Im really worthless,nobody even likes me because of my personality,even my own Mom and sister is ashamed of me.the only person that makes me happy is my bf,he accepted me for who I am,and he is the only one who understands my attitude.but im very scared that in the furure he will leave me coz he might feel bored with me and realized there is someone better for him.right now I am thinking of just ending my life,anyway I will be miserable in this coming years and I don’t want my future kids to see what a loser their mother is,but now I cant coz If I do nobody will support my family and I dont want to leave my BF..But I don’t know what to do with life anymore,everything doesn’t end up like what I wanted.i Feel like everybody is moving forward except from me.I still feel the same person I was 20 yrs ago,nothing really changed,same old introverted worthless girl.All I do is daydream that I was a different person with a better life.the only thing that’s really making me ok now is my BF.he is the only I got.i don’t know if there is any solution to this kind of misery or will I still get cured….

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  • Hi

    I felt really sad reading how you are feeling, that you think you are a loser. It sounds as though you have no confidence or self esteem at all, as if you think everything about yourself is useless, your ability to study, your ability at work, your memory, your looks... it feels so sad. But you say you graduated! What subject did you do? You've got a boyfriend and have had some friends so it is even more sad that you feel so useless. It's sad as well that you feel your family can't wait to make fun of you, have they always done that? If you are the only one working and are supporting them that seems very unfair if they think as little of you as you feel they do, but still you don't want to leave them to support themselves. Your boyfriend obviously cares about you and yet you are afraid of losing him.

    If your self esteem is so low, especially as you feel people are ashamed of you and that you can't find any value in yourself or your life, I think you would find it really helpful to talk with someone. Would you consider going to see a therapist? You can google NHS psychotherapy for your nearest town or your GP could refer you to a therpist, possibly a clinical psychologist depending upon where you live. It will be a shame if you don't as you obviously like the idea of having children but if you wait until they have been born then your lack of confidence will affect them too. Why not seek help now. I'm also lacking confidence although people say I seem confident, like you I can't imagine that people like me or find me attractive although they must do as I have had some friends and men have wanted to marry me. You also have had friends and your boyfriend likes you so perhaps like me it is the way your self-esteem has developed, maybe as a result of the way your family see you? It sounds as though you feel they have never really valued you which is a quite basic need in order to develop healthy self esteem. I've had a long period of therapy and although it hasn't solved everything it has helped me to carry on in a positive way with changing my life and has also enabled me to be happy in relationships with friends who I now know value me.

    I don't know whether you will find the idea helpful, but I do think you can be helped with therapy.

    Suex

  • Hi Suex,first of all.thank u for the advise.I was crying when i was reading your reply,it feels like someone beside me trying to cheer me up.I took Information techonology but only a 2 yrs vocational course,im not even good at it thats why all my jobs are not really related to my field.right now what im experiencing from my family is totally the worst pain of all,it actually started from my sister,she really likes to mental torture me then make me feel like im just nothing,she really have this big influence with our parents especially my mom,so all of them will just start ignoring me,imagine in the dining table everybody is talking while I just sit and look at them as if I am not around..since I started working abroad i only stay with them 4 wks in one year after 11 months of being away,but with those 4 wks all they do to me is this,i dont even feel like they want me to be around..Ive been considering goin to a therapist here in manila but i dont know how to start and im also scared tney might charge me with very big amount..im on a tight budget now thats why i cant easily just go and get help.

  • Hi I wonder if you are depressed? With depression you always concentrate on the negative rather than the positive. Your self esteem seems very low. But you have some great positive things in your life. You say you have been told you are pretty but you can't see it - see it and believe it. You have good friends. You are artistic- thats great. And you have a bf who loves you. He obviously thinks you are a worthwhile peron so believe him as well.

    I think you are valued more than you know at work. If you were that hopeless at your job then you would have been sacked by now surely. You haven't been so you are good enough at it.

    I know from my own experiences that family members make niches for themselves or have them made for them. And sometimes the people you love most hurt you the most too!

    I agree with Sue that therapy should help you to understand yourself better.

    Low self esteem, negativity and feeling worthless are typical of depression. And especially having thoughts of suicide. Go to your doctor tell him/her how you feel. I am not a believer for a pill for every occasion, but anti-depressants can be useful for the right reason.

    Let us know how you get on.

    Bev xx

  • thanks Hypercat...I guess I am depress,actually ive been feeling like this when Im around my family of whenever I am working and Im being bullied.but everytime I am with my BF i seem to forget the pain.some social occasions makes me depress also,example if i go to a gathering with some relatives or friends,friends of my bf ,colleagues or anywhere I am obliged to socialise it just makes me extremely Sad coz i feel like nobody wants to talk to me,i feel really neglected....Im considering also a therapy but i will have to reaserch first about the cost,its really very expensive here in my country so i dont know if i can easily get help.

  • adriennefeist after reading your description of how you are feeling I am sure you are sufferig from depression. I have been suffering with the same feelings for some time. You need to seek medical help urgently. I wish I could be of more help but you must believe that you are unwell and assistance and support to overcome your situation. The one good thing is that you have a BF who you can relay on to help you through.

    AlanG3

  • adriennefeist, read this carefully, "everything is worthless until you know value". Before I truly begin to type my answer to you, there is something I must confess to you. I take a deep joy in proving people wrong, and you are a wonderful target, so here I go.

    Since you already know what "you are not good at" makes very little sense to dwell on it, isn't it? Yet, you definitely are good at writing... and so my goal has been fulfilled; I proved you wrong, didn't I?

    But let me keep on going, you already know you are not good at remembering things or events, processing steps at work -that leads to a lot of mistakes, but, as of the time you wrote this, not so many that you are still working, therefore you are right, you are not even good at keeping a good score of mistakes, and that only means you are not as bad as you think- nothing wrong with making a "check-list" to follow.

    Being "always wrong" (since I have already proved you wrong twice, I do not agree with such statement, but I do respect your point of view) can be a blessing, that makes you different, embrace it, it is you and you can mold it to your advantage anytime you decide it to. "http://www.ted.com/talks/phil_hansen_embrace_the_shake.ht just make sure you do not place too much hope on anybody but yourself.

    You describe yourself as having "poor memory" (yet your writing proves all the opposite) and further you say you "do not know how you made it through school and graduated (which is a way to prove yourself wrong), could it had been that your mind knew that it was imperative to remember -if only for a short period of time- the things needed to pass the tests (after all I do not think, right know, knowing how to solve a 'quadratic equation' or knowing what was the name of the boat that carried the pilgrims to the 'new world' would do any good to know, would it?)

    Remember, "everything is worthless until you know value", look hard at yourself, value what you have,there are people in the world who does not have what you have

    If you think people calling you pretty (and you do not know what are they talking about) let them be wrong for a change -would you like to have people tell you how to think?, move on.

    Being a good "talker" just like with everything in life, takes practice. People like to talk and most appreciate people that would listen to them (don't forget to "Really?", "you're joking!"or "wow" them while at it). Try it.

    ancienthistory.about.com/library/bl/bl_aesop_man_boy_donkey.htm‎

    You are never going to please everybody, be kind to yourself, list all the good you posses (watch the you tube link above) and give deaf ears to the world, love yourself first and the world will follow(or not, but once you know your value you will think "their loss")

    You are good at writing, so your "cure' is way on its way (pardon the redundancy).

    You are good at supporting your family (once again, that can not be wrong).

    The way you have thought carried you this far, love it is your creation, and it is unique and uniqueness is what we are all about. Now, it is time to do something different. Tomorrow, wake up, clear up your mind, hold your breath for as long as you can possibly can and that is the warning that you have been taking fro granted for so long, living is the strongest will there is. Then, as you realize how precious inhaling oxygen is to your body and how wonderful it feels to be capable of doing it, that will bring a sense of happiness, as you exhale a different sense will take you over, it is a sense of getting rid of burned oxygen, and that is what negative stuff is all about, exhaling it out.

    As you meet your family at breakfast, without waiting fro them to greet you, say "I am planning on having a happy day, what about you?". Arrive to work five minutes early, find five mistakes you have been making more often and write two down and post it right in front of you and just picture yourself being better -which you have always been- than just yesterday.

    But most important of all is to remember, as soon as you get up from bed, straighten up your shoulders, avoid, all throughout the day, to breath shallow -remember how important is to fill the lungs with oxygen- and, at put in your face a slight smile -don't worry at what people may say or think, just do it- prayerfoundation.org/mother_teresa_do_it_anyway.htm

    Your family -and the world- need you, so "take care of number one".

    I would wish you luck but I am firmly convinced that luck was invented by the powerless to justify the wonders done by the resourceful, and I know you are one of the latter.

  • That last post was quite a lot to wade through .However I found the links given were both humbling and inspiring, namely how to turn a potential "negative" about oneself into a "positive" or at least still managing to keep happy and see value in your life and your capabilities despite having some bigger barriers to overcome than others around you;

    and Aesop's tale, though an old one, how true it is :)

    Thank you for posting gab_es_vor .

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