Yesterday was my first day back at work after 3 weeks sick leave due to appendicitis. I wasn't overjoyed at the thought of going back but I wasn't as nervous as I was last time; and I know that I need to conquer my fear and regain some of my confidence. So, despite still being in a small amount of pain where my muscles are still repairing themselves following the op I managed the short walk to the tube station, I even managed to stay on the on the tube even though my legs were shaking and I could feel tears trying to make their way out. I managed to keep myself relatively composed and make it to the office and switch on my computer to reveal a ridiculous amount of emails. By this point I was feeling extremely overwhelmed but I took deep breaths and took my time getting back into the swing of things. My team weren't around but I was actually grateful that I could be left in peace, several people asked how I was which was nice but I just wasn't ready to be overly sociable. I got through Monday and made it home in one piece.
Today, however, was slightly different. It hit me how much time I've had off and a lot of the work I had started to do has been delegated to others who are doing a good job with it. I feel completely useless, I feel like I've forgotten everything and I even switched my phone on to silent so I could ignore any calls because I don't have the confidence to talk to people. I've got completely overwhelmed with everything. I came home tonight and just cried. I feel exhausted, mentally and physically, from the ups and downs from the past 6 months. I'm back to not wanting to go out and see people and want to be left alone. Although I realise that by writing all of this here it probably means that I want things to change I just don't know how. I've also started to put on weight again and can't face looking in the mirror and I can't look at my stomach where my scars (despite how small they are). I just feel so sad about everything.