For those who read my previous post, you will know that I was ill in hospital (physical illness) and that seemed to have been a contributing factor to my depression and anxiety issues.
I had taken the steps to make a phone call to get some help. I had already started to feel better and work seemed slightly less daunting and scary. The call to the well being service was hard an brought up a lot of the pain I've been suffering and she suggested I attend workshops and group sessions to address my anxiety issues. I wasn't really sure how I felt about this so I said I would think about it and call her back.
However I have not yet had the chance as a few days later I found myself in a&e with suspected appendicitis. For some unknown reason I decided to be brave and go by myself. I think I felt guilty about relying on other people so much. The experience was quite traumatic and I was in a lot of pain after the op due to added complications. I was in hospital for 2 nights and had to get nurses to help me to the toilet, I know it's their job but it is still embarrassing that at the age of 25 I couldn't manage by myself. When it came to being discharged I was told at 10am I could go home. My dad was coming to collect me to take me back to my parents house so people could look after me but they live far away so it would have taken a couple of hours to get to me. Before he got there I was kicked out of my bed, they practically pushed me out, I had to go and sit in the discharge room. I was still in agony and couldn't sit up, so naturally I got upset and put up a good fight but I was too weak and vulnerable to put up a strong enough fight. I understand that there is a shortage of beds but the way I was treated was awful and this has subsequently added to my anxiety and panic attacks. The thought of going near a hospital again really scares me and I'm now back to not being able to sleep at night (partly due to the pain) because of the memories I have of my latest experience.
For the first few days at home I had to get help getting dressed and doing simple tasks. Getting out of bed and downstairs was a massive ordeal. I hate relying on people this much and I have been getting very upset about the whole thing.
I am getting better and can stand up and look after myself but now I'm dreading the time when I have to go back to work. I feel completely useless as I haven't been capable of doing my job since, well when I started 6 months ago and the confidence that I had managed to salvage before has once again been lost.
Just to add to my misery it will be my birthday this weekend and I had planned to go out last week with one group of friends for a few drinks and for drinks with my friends this weekend both of which I have had to cancel. I haven't been out for such a long time because I don't always like being in crowd but I had actually looked at it as a positive thing I wanted to do.
I've given up with celebrating anything for this year. 2012 has not been my year so I'm accepting that I will have to wait for 2013 for good things to come.