What am I suppose to feel?

I really cannot justify as to why I feel like discussing my problems on here as i've always been incredibly private about my personal reasonings. However, I feel that this is the only way I can convey how remarkably confused I feel. So here goes...I've always been lucky that nothing terrible has ever happened to me, never broken any bones, never suffered, I've never had any problems with myself or how I lead my life up until recently (past 2 months). Where I'd imagine things started deteriorating was exactly 2 months ago...just even thinking about it brings up so much emotion. Recently I under went the proceedure to terminate a pregnancy. I've always been adamant that at this current time in my life I would not be ready to support of facilitate for a child. Throughtout my studies I made the rational choice that I wouldn't want a child at my age, myself and my boyfriend were not able to adjust to parenthood as we're both young and secure with our lifestyles at the current moment in time. Not that I'd ever say that a child would be a burden. Furthermore I was quite far along and the nurses at the bpas clinic assured me it would be a surgical process. I was terrified, I'd made all these decisions and there was actually an outcome at the end of the road. I was relieved when I had the support from my mother and my boyfriend but that just never seemed to compensate for what my decision was. I do not question what I did, as I had made the choice based of my own decisions and reasoning as well as those of my boyfriends. Leading on to why im actually asking this question is; I completely understand that there would be some emotional scarring left as it is a hard thing to deal with but it was a choice I had made so why do I feel remoresful and terrible for doing so. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and choices however I feel subsequently worse for choosing what I thought was right. Since the termination I've had a rapid unexplained weight loss, I am now only about 7st which for my height is not a healthy weight. I have lost a lot of interest in things that used to interest me after the procedure, I lack enthusiasm: thus meaning I have the lack of interest to go to work or do any social interaction like I used to love. I feel that if I interact with people they will judge and place a stereotype. Being a girl you set yourself up for all of this. I cry every single day over the stupidest of things, I could be at work and anything would set me off, sometimes I feel like crying is just my way to grieve but I do not feel as though I should be crying as regularly as I do. I always have a underlying fear of being inadequate, worthless and unneeded when in actual fact I know I'm loved, wanted and needed by those closest to me however I chose to ignore that and only focus of the negative. I have done some research in to how I feel and have come to the conclusion that I do need some sort of support from a third party. I don't like discussing my feelings with my family as I find it hard and unconstructive. I would like to label how I feel under depression by I cannot justify that myself.

2 Replies

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  • Why not call what you are feeling GRIEF! The loss of a child, even an unwanted one, is a huge event in life and grief is a normal healthy reaction to such a loss. If you are struggling to grieve because you are focussing upon the negatives then perhaps you are angry about having had to make such a huge decision about the termination. Perhaps having a termination has left you feeling you have done something bad despite your rational understanding of the correctness of the decision, or perhaps actually you would have wanted to have been someone who would have loved your child whatever the circumstances? I wonder whether terminating the pregnancy raised questions about whether you should actually have been born? Such responses are irrational, but so are most of our feelings. Perhaps you need to talk through your feelings with a grief counsellor as it sounds as though you are stuck in a downward spiral rather than working through the normal grief process. Your GP can refer you to a counsellor or you could contact CRUSE (check the spelling of their name!) as they specialise in grief counselling. Do seek help as otherwise you may end up depressed as a result of having made a loving decision to terminate the pregnancy. Suexx

  • I like to write here because I feel anonymous.I feel free to let out my fears and problems and I think I would be right in saying that I would not be judged

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