Hi, I am new here, how does this work?

I am looking for a resource online where I can get information and advice on my depression/anxiety from other sufferers, or people who have been through similar situations, and I am hoping this is it

I feel so low and alone right now - my friends (of which I have very few) and family do not understand, and my doctors, seemingly, do not care. This is ruining my life and I would like to write up a long summing up of the last 2 years somewhere so that I can gauge people's thoughts on what I should do, and also listen to other people's stories.

I don't know how to use this properly but if someone could tell me I am in the right place, then that would be a start! :) Do I need to write a blog or ask a question?

Regards

11 Replies

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  • Hi,

    I am new to this site as well, I just wanted to say hello and I wondered what sort of questions you wanted to ask?

  • Hello, thanks for the response.

    I don't know what I want to ask really as there's so much going on. I guess I want to know if I will ever get through this feeling I have. Feel so alone and no one really seems to care about me. Well I know that's not true, but I am always lonely and spend my nights sat in this room. And my days, as I am unemployed due to being signed off with depression. I have the most awful fatigue and headaches and I just keep being told by doctors (over the past 2 years) that it is down to depression and anxiety.

    I feel like I am losing my mind. Will it ever get better?

  • Hi

    I am new to this particular part of this large site.

    I have had depression for 19 yrs & have been told I will always have it. I have been under Physciatric Care3 times during the 19 yrs.

    I too feel I have no friends as I pushed them all away & the onr true friend I had died suddenly 2 yrs ago with a massive heart attack. It has had a huge impact on me. Although I have family & another friend I dont see much of, I feel they dont really get me.

    I myself prefer to be alone & at home in my comfort zone. I never go out just because I want to, I never want to. It has to be for an absolutely necessary cause.

    If I can help you in any way, please feel free to ask anything you like.

    Jackie

  • Hello Jackie,

    Thanks very much for your input. Sounds awful what you have had to put up with on and off for so long. And yet I think I've had it bad.

    I also feel I have pushed a lot of people away, especially my ex-work colleagues (read my *massive* post below for more on what happened with my work life) It's such a shame that your true friend has passed away. I'm not surprised you are finding it tough. I am similar in that I have family, and I do have "friends", but most of them are just aquantainces, and whether it be them or my very few real friends (maybe even one) then I feel the same - they don't get me at all.

    Also, my friends only ever seem to want to see me when it suits them. I make the effort and ask if they want to do anything, maybe come over or go for a drink, but no. Never. Only when they have nothing to do.

    My doctors do not care either. The only people I can talk to are those such as yourself, online. My confidence has taken such a massive hit and it feels like no one really wants to know me anymore. Why do you think you prefer to be alone? I am the opposite, I can't stand being alone, I always am, and if anyone on the random chance does want to see me I will always take it up. Like you though, I used to not go out unless it was absolutely neccessary, but now since I started my counselling I have started going on 2 mile walks each day. They are hard because of how physically ill I feel and they are hard to keep doing as it feels like there is no end goal. I am just going out to come home again.

    What medications have you tried and which were the most effective? I've been on 40mg Fluoxetine for almost a year and I am wondering if it is actually making me worse!

    Thanks again for your reply.

    A

  • Hi, why not write the summing up of the two years, there is plenty of space here on the website and most people who read the website will want to understand and care. Suexxx

  • Sue - thanks for the advice. I hope it doesn't go against any forum rules but here goes, it's a massive, massive post that gives some background on what has happened and how I am feeling right now:

    Hello everyone,

    I have previously used other forums such as No More Panic, but I felt I had to try and post on one where other people may have had similar experiences, so here goes.

    As a basic intro, I started a job in September 2008 and was reasonably content at the time and then moved into a houseshare around May 2009 - luckily for me, being quite an introvert, the housemates who were there when I moved in were top people and we all socialised. Two people left soon after I moved in (not because of me I might add!) and two guys came in and it got even better, we were all good mates and went out nearly every weekend. There was lots of banter and good times out in the city each weekend, and laughs and we all always had our doors open in the house and it was almost like a bunch of mates had got a house share together, not randoms moving into a house share. Anyway I digress, I was quite happy/content at this time. There was always company at the house, 2009 and 2010 were good, good times and I was enjoying life, maybe coasting a bit, but enjoying it.

    Then towards the very end of 2010 I started feeling noticeably more tired - to the point where if I lied on my bed when I got in from my walk home from work, I would fall asleep. It was also around this time I started to experience strange but not intense one-off dizzy spells. Like if I lied down and lifted my head, sometimes the room would feel like it was spinning. The tiredness wasn't a complete fatigue feeling - it was just like feeling extra worn out after a hard day at work and it only seemed to be noticeable at night. I didn't really think much of it and continued to goto work - but I did have doctors appointments every now and again to see what they said, and predictably I was palmed off.

    Life and work continued and then in the first few months of 2011 I started to notice that my walk to work (20 mins to city centre to catch a bus from there to work) was getting increasingly difficult. My legs felt heavy and almost like they were burning, and I was getting so hot and worn out. By the time I'd get to the bus stop, it felt like I'd been walking for 2 hours, not 20 minutes. I also had a constant headache feeling along with my tiredness. It's not like a migraine type headache (although sometimes is!) but it's more of a tight feeling at the front of my head. (I still have it to this day) I went to the doctors again where they did tests and I was told I had an underactive thyroid. "Yes!" I though to myself. Whilst that's not good news, I did think to myself that finally I have a reason to know why I felt so low and as the doctors said it was easily treatable using Thyroxine, I thought I'd start to feel better. But actually I started to get worse - the headaches were crippling and the tiredness making it difficult to even get out of bed in the mornings for work. By this point, I was so ill and tired that by the time I got to work, I felt ready to collapse every day and I just couldn't concentrate on my job. I honestly felt so faint each day at work that I thought I was going to pass out. Nothing ever happened in that respect, but every day just dragged on and I was so ill that I started to have more and more time off work. I just couldn't concentrate on the screen when I was sat at my desk and just kept sitting there feeling dizzy, headache and plain dreadful. This was getting me down a lot. In August 2011, I was then told by work that I was being made redundant as of November 30th 2011 (this was not related to me being ill, more work cutting staff across many teams) If I'd been feeling well, I would have easily been able to find something new in those 3 months, but I felt so ill that come October 2011, I was off work and never actually made it back due to how I felt. It was at this time I knew something would have to change. I went to the doctors where they just kept changing my thyroxine dosage and also put me on Fluoxetine 20mg.

    To go off on a tangent a bit, just whilst all this was going on: nothing was changing and I couldn't get back to work, and my end date came and went and I never really heard anything from any of my colleagues again, despite trying to stay in touch. Being that I had been there for 3 and a bit years, I found this hard to take, and this along with feeling ill and not having a job, meant I started to feel very down. I had to go on benefits, and the house situation had changed too - in Feb of 2011, two of the four of us fell out and had a punch up, resulting in one of them leaving (also my best friend in the house) who left to London. The one who caused the argument then also left in November 2011. Other people have come into the house, but they are more in keeping with a traditional house share, where they keep themselves to themselves and you rarely see them. Then, on Saturday last week, the last of the original housemates told me he's handing in his notice to move out and live with his girlfriend. I don't blame him at all, it makes sense, as he's been here as long as I have. He also said the house just isn't the same anymore. When he leaves I will have no one. The other people in the house (apart from one) are nice enough, but like I said, not really the type of characters you'd socialise and go out with etc. All of this - leaving my job, work mates not contacting me, housemates moving on - confirms another thing about me and that's that I struggle with change - I can't handle change. I am feeling so low and empty that I am still sat here in this house on benefits whilst everyone has moved on. I keep feeling like it's my fault, I don't know how or why, but I do feel that way.

    Another thing that played on my mind all through 2011 and some of this year was what you should never do: Consult "Doctor Google" At the start of 2011 I was feeling ill as mentioned - devoid of energy, headaches, etc. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and noticed my tongue had a yellow coating. I went straight on Google and typed in "yellow tongue" - the first result? HIV/AIDS. I was in a complete panic - I wasn't even at risk but thought somehow I had HIV. All of the symptoms were matching up - headaches, extreme fatigue, etc. All through 2011 I was not able to get that thought of my head, another thing contributing to my panic, anxiety and worry. I had many blood tests at the doctors, and they all kept coming back fine, but I was just convinced in my head. It took until June this year for me to find the balls to go and get a proper test at the hospital. A week later, the results - negative. Obviously that was a huge load off my mind, but I had it in my head that if the results were negative I'd start to feel better - I'd been on a Stress Control course that basically told me worrying and anxiety can cause all sorts of physical symptoms, and I thought one of the reasons I started to feel worse throughout 2011 was my worry about whether I had HIV! When I got the result I was obviously very happy, but I am feeling no different.

    In early 2012, the doctors doubled my dose of Fluoxetine to 40mg - they just keep telling me the reason I feel like I do is stress/depression. They tested for chronic fatigue and told me that was not the issue. I had also been referred to a counsellor - she couldn't really help after a couple of months worth of sessions, so I was then referred to another counsellor who mainly deals with people who are suffering tiredness and extreme fatigue which is impacting their life. Her main goal is to get me more active, so I go for a walk each day - around 2 miles a time, but I feel so wiped out when I get back. I also tend to feel very hot and sweaty when I go for my walk, whatever the weather - something that never used to be the case. I did start going running, which was hard but I thought might actually be beneficial, until I hurt my leg. It hasn't felt right since so I resorted to walking. The doctors told me to "stop running" which was totally against what the counsellor is trying to do. In fact the doctors have been laughable throughout this whole thing - in my last visit, which I went to mainly to get my new sick note, I again explained that despite the counselling, I am feeling no better and just don't know what to do - the usual explanation I give each time I go. She asked if I was still taking the Thyroxine 125mg and the Fluoxetine 40mg - to which I said yes. She then said it was upto me to decide if I wanted to carry on with the Fluoxetine!! What do these people get paid for? Aren't they supposed to know what's best for me? I have no idea what to do in this regard, and I know there are other anti-depressants out there, but I just can't see them doing anything differently.

    The doctors just don't seem to care - happy to just sign my sick note and then fob me off. I want to work, I want to get back into a job, but I just can't see it being a possibility feeling this way. I am looking for part-time work under 16 hours to see if there is anything I can do, and contact with recruitment agencies, but they just tell me there's nothing out there. I feel like people are judging me for not working - fast forward to now and it's suddenly over a year since I have been unemployed - I do not know for the life of me where that year has gone, and I feel no further forward. My parents just tell me to get a job and I'll feel better - I can kind of see their point - once in a job at least I'll be distracted, and kept busy - but how can I perform my best in a role when I feel so tired, headache, so hot and sweaty all the time. I literally struggle to get out bed in the mornings and just feel so low and out of energy - both physically and mentally - and that's before the day has begun. My mind has turned to mush as I am just in this house all the time, in my room, and I rarely see anyone as they work - and as mentioned further up, all of my housemates from the past have moved on. Whereas I feel like my life is going nowhere and it upsets me so much. The thing is, I have had depression episodes before (back in around 2006-2007) and I was so down then that I used to just always be crying - it would be so easy just to start crying when I felt low, yet back then, I didn't have any physical symptoms like now - and when the doctors/counsellors tell me that the reason I feel so low and tired and headachey is because of my stress/anxiety/depression, I find it SO hard to get my head around this fact! Simply because I've been depressed before but never EVER felt anything like this :( I can't even cry now, I can't remember the last time I cried. I feel so sad inside but don't cry.

    I am so sorry that this has turned into a MASSIVE post and it's a bit all over the place. But in summary, I am totally lost. I feel like no one understands, and that goes double for my doctors, who just flat-out do not care. I wasn't depressed when I started feeling like this, but now I am mega depressed and I can't see a way out. I feel like I have no-one and am so lonely. My eyes are tired and droopy all the time. My body aches. I'm not sleeping well at night yet all through the day I just want to sleep (my counsellor has told me I must ban the sleep during the day, but it is a big challenge) I've got no interests or hobbies, I just hate being on my own. I want to do a course or something, an online course maybe, but my motivation feels zero as I have no energy.

    My life was pretty tough before all this depression but only because of my confidence and self-belief being so low - for example, at work I used to dread the phone ringing, as I hate talking on phones in a work environment. I always worried so much about making mistakes. But now all of my confidence has gone completely. I just feel like a complete shadow of my 2009 days.

    Can anybody relate to me? Does anybody feel the same or has felt the same but now feels better? How would you recommend I move forward? All I want is to feel better and get some normality back into my life.

    Thanks so so much for reading

    A

  • Hi

    I'm sorry you are having such a bad time, but WHY are you apologising about the length of your post? My own was just as long when I first came on the site so don't go worrying about how you imagine things should be. And your post certainly wasn't all over the place, it is clear and to the point.

    It is very difficult to find the right help especially with the cuts in services at the moment. I agree with you that GPs are not always any good. I've learned that while we all like to think they know the answers the fact is that often they know very little in terms of emotions and things like depression, they have more knowledge than some people, but very few answers. Perhaps if we explore some of the possible reasons for your depression on the website then maybe that will help come up with some ways of coping and possible solutions.

    I notice you said you were depressed in 2006-7. Do you know what triggered depression? My own view is that generally when we are depressed there is good reason, although the reasons are often very difficult to understand as they often link back to earlier experiences that at the time did not trigger depression but that were difficult and which we coped with in ways which did not fully resolve them. The sweating is a sign of anxiety and an indicator that you are anxious about your life at the moment, which is understandable. Of course there are no easy answers, but do try not to be so hard on yourself. You are struggling at the moment and that's understandable given your current circumstances. It seems to me that the main problem is being unable to understand WHY you are depressed in the first place. You say you hate being on your own. I'm also like that and understand how that relates to my childhood experiences. I wonder whether you have always hated being on your own. I wonder whether you were lonely as a child, whether you had friends and are still in touch with any of them. You write about your parents saying you will be alright if you just get a job, but I wonder whether that makes you feel they don't understand, whether you feel unsupported by them? I also wonder why you are not living at home, whether there are reasons other than just work and if not why you don't go back home? It sounds as though there might have been some problems there before your current depression? Also you don't mention what your job was and I am wondering whether it was satisfying or just a means of earning?

    You said that when you and the other people in the house were all gadding about you felt ok but then it seemed to fizzle our as though you suddenly wondered what that was all about and I wonder whether you enjoyed the distraction of feeling alright for a time but then realised nothing had changed at a deeper level. I feel for you if that is true, I know those feelings from my own experiences sometimes.

    Although I don't have any answers I do have experience of services and also knowledge of the kinds of things that lead to depression but obviously I don't want to intrude further than you would like. If you think it may help to write further then do as I would like to be able to offer some help to you.

    Suexx

  • Hi Sue,

    I don’t know why I am apologising in my last post, I guess I just assumed no one would want to read my essay-like post, but thankfully there are people on here who read and respond and I am grateful to all of you, especially your previous post Sue.

    I do agree that sometimes we assume doctors will just have all the answers, like they have superpowers or something. I think the problem is no two doctors are the same, and I am yet to stumble across an understanding one. In fact that’s a lie, there was one – but he was a locum doctor and was only there for a day. He was listening and it’s probably the only time I’ve been sat in a doctors surgery appointment for longer than 15 minutes. It’s good that I can speak to people on here who have been through similar situations.

    I don’t know what triggered depression back around 2006-07 – I think it was a dissatisfaction with my life. I was still living at home and I just couldn’t find a job. Likewise, I also had very few friends. In the years before, I had met a girl who was my first girlfriend, but we didn’t last long, about 3 months, and it knocked me a bit, but was nothing compared to in 2005 when my best (only?) mate told me he was then seeing her. They were together for about 10 months (that I know of) before he ended it as he missed our friendship. I’m quite a forgiving person, plus the fact that I don’t have any other friends, so I kind of let it go but over those years I just felt I was going nowhere. I moved out of home in 2007 and started to feel a bit happier, but was still not really having a stable job, moving from one job to another. I was glad to move out – it wasn’t that I didn’t get on with my parents, (admittedly I get on better with them since I’ve moved out) but it was just the town and the house itself were mega depressing me – I was 21 yet still having to share a bedroom with my 13 year old brother, and the house was just a mess. This is the main driving factor of why I cannot go home – I know my parents would have me back, they wouldn’t see me struggle – but the house is still awful and so is the town (no jobs, town centre is a ghost town, etc) and whenever I go back and visit, I can’t wait to leave again – that’s not because of my family, but because of the situation and surroundings.

    The sweating is awful and I can’t deal with it – my counsellor is trying to drum it into me, “don’t let it bother you too much” but it does, simply because I never used to get hot and sweaty after a 20 minute walk. I am also sweating a lot during the night, that’s when I do sleep, which is rare as most of the time I lay awake for hours. I try not to be hard on myself but I just keep thinking this must all be my fault. Other people are out there living a normal fun life, with steady jobs and living with confidence and have social lives with many friends. I keep getting told there is nothing wrong with me physically, so I don’t know why I am depressed. The HIV thing scared me to death – I literally spent all of 2011 and half of this year convincing myself that I had it. I’ve always been a hypochondriac but this was something completely different – I didn’t feel I could talk to anybody about it, I didn’t even suggest it to my doctors. I was too scared, it kind of felt like an admission and I couldn’t make it. This had me mega depressed as I was dealing with it in my head on my own and thought I had that terrible disease. I thought getting the negative test result would be a huge weight off my shoulders, but I still feel the same. Whether I have drained myself with my hypochondria I don’t know, but what I do know is that this is not the sole reason for my depression, anxiety and tiredness, as like I said in my post above, I was starting to feel tired and unwell before this thought got into my head.

    I do hate being on my own, I like to have company and have someone to talk to, as it tends to take my mind off things. However, I am more often than not on my own, with my own company, and I just end up sat in my room on my PC – back in the day, I used to chat to many people online on things like MSN Messenger, but now everybody has gone and it feels lonely even being online now – at least I used to have people to chat with, even if it isn’t ideal doing so on a computer screen. But now I just sit here lonely and don’t know what to do. It annoys me if people say go out and make new friends. Like it’s that easy! I haven’t got the confidence to just go upto people. I find myself fine one on one, but in groups I am quiet as a mouse, unless it’s a group where I know everybody well. This kind of goes to my childhood as you touched upon, as when I was a kid, I wasn’t lonely as such – I had friends at school, I was never bullied – there was banter and I wasn’t one of the popular kids that’s for sure, but I never let anything effect me at school. Outside of school though through my childhood I saw just one friend really – maybe it was because it was convenient as he lived directly opposite me over the road. We were friends and used to see each other from the ages of about 5 to 14. Then he went to a different high school to me and we grew apart – well he met new friends and saw them, I met new friends at school but never saw them and used to just sit at home on my PC. I don’t think this particularly bothered me back then, so I don’t think I have always hated being on my own. I don’t remember it bothering me much anyway. Not as much as around 2006-07 when I started feeling very low. I think it kicked in when I realised that I wasn’t going anywhere and could never have any independence in the house.

    With regards to the job I was on from September 2008 to November 2011 was working in an accounts department for a large insurance company, so dealing with company orders and invoices etc. I started the role as a temp through an agency in 2008 and it was simple stuff, but it gradually got more and more in depth, and by the end I wasn’t that comfortable with it, but I think that’s because it coincided with me feeling dreadful at work every single day, feeling like I was going to pass out, and I felt like I couldn’t give 100% to my job, I didn’t feel I could do it properly (trying to look at a PC screen all day with a tight tense headache was a nightmare) The thing is, I started as a temp like I said and as the job went on I kept getting promises like “you’ll get a contract soon” etc as they were happy with me and my performance. But it never came and I was eventually made redundant, like I said before, not related to me feeling ill, but cost cutting measures. I would say there were times when the job was satisfying and maybe a little challenging, but there were also times when it was mundane same old, same old – the main reason I liked working there was because of the people I worked with. I met many good people there but sadly, since I’ve left work I have discovered that they were merely just colleagues all along, and there’s a difference between friends and colleagues. We used to have a laugh at work and out of work with social outings, but as soon as I left, no one wanted to know. No one even checked to see why I had left early and if I was OK. Overall, I’d say the job was a means of earning more than anything else. I didn't really feel like I was progressing beyond a certain point.

    Yeah when I lived in the house share (as I still do) but with ‘the lads’ I did kind of feel OK because I’d come home from work each night and there’d always be a door open and someone to talk to, as we all got on well. When I was feeling more ill during 2011 and after my best mate at the house had moved to London, the other 2 guys were probably getting a bit frustrated with me moaning about how ill I felt, but I could still talk to them and things were still good. We still had a laugh but it definitely did start to fizzle out during 2011. And now the whole house has changed. I am still here 3 and a half years after moving in, and because when I moved in to such a social house share – everyone was very welcoming and talkative when I moved in, and even when those moved out, more good people moved in (which was the beginning of ‘the lads’) – because of this I think I had an impression that houseshares were all like this (I’d never lived in one before so didn’t know any different) and I also think I probably didn’t expect the guys to ever leave. I know that sounds ridiculous, totally. But I hate change and now it’s come, I can’t handle it, and you are right, I did enjoy being distracted, I’m sure of it – but now they’ve all gone, I’ve realised that nothing has changed. And I am now in a position where I can’t make changes until I get a job – I don’t really want to move home as I said, but the option is there. However, I’d rather get a job and meet new people. The problem there is, of course, the whole underlying problem of feeling so tired, ill, whacked out, fatigued, lethargic and depressed because of all those. You mention that you know those feelings from your own experiences, are you able to tell me more?

    Thanks so much for your message and thank you for saying you would like to be able to offer me some help,.

    Regards

    A

  • Hi Canary fan I can relate to so much of what you have just said. I almost felt I was reading about myself in the way you explained your feelings.

    I would suggest you maybe think of changing your Doctor who is not helping you. Or ask for a second opinion.

    I was on Fluxotene way back years ago when it was called Prozac (the happy pill). I was on 60mg if them daily.

    I had mini break downs & ended up under physciatric care. Which I know sounds terrible but it was the best thing to happen to me because I was eventually taken seriously.

    I now know & feel the signs of a bad episode.

    I think there is a difference in ages which maybe makes me feel better or happier when I'm on my own (that way no-one can hurt me) I have built up so many barriers I cant see anyone ever breaking them down. I am 50 & I know that is not old, in my head I feel I'm still in my 30's.

    I have so much to tell & I am more than willing to do that but for now I am gojng to have to leave it until tomorrow or Thursday.

    I have an appointment with a representative who is going to help me build up a case for my ATOS zero points appeal for benefits. So that is where my head is at the moment & worrying about the Tribunal date which he assures me could be another 8-12 away.

    So for now I hope you dont think I am being rude but I will get back to you &'Secondhandrose & go into detail of medications, emotions, social anxiety/phobia, counciling of varying types etc.

    I am feeling a bit sick now because I have'nt eaten today, had little to no sleep these past few nights & gathering up all my evidence for my representative to start building up a casee fir me. I feel like I am going on trial for a criminal offence. I worked 30 years, paid my taxes & National Insurance & because of my illnesses have been unable to work for the past 4 years. I feel humiliated by the Healthcare System we now have in the UK. Everything in my life feels like a battle.

    I lost a lot because if depression & I am now at the mercy of the government to look out for me. Something I never ever thought I would have to do.

    For now forgive me & I will be back to you both & hopefully we can help each other. Fir the record this is the first time I have became a member of a forum for depression.

    Speak within the next few days. Take one day at a time, its the best way.

    (((((HUGS))))) to you both.

    Jackie

  • Hello Jackie,

    No worries at all, you don't need to apologise. You just post back in your own time, like I have said I really appreciate people taking the time to write up about their experiences and their advice.

    I think it's striking that when you read my posts you feel like you were reading about yourself. It's interesting, because depression/loneliness, well just this general feeling that I can't sum up in one word, tends to make you feel like you are the only one feeling this way, so it's good to hear from others to make you realise you are not alone.

    I would definitely like to change my doctor now people have mentioned it. The only problem being I am not sure if there are any close by, and mine is currently a 7-10 minute walk from where I live. It's very convenient, and means I don't get too wiped out but I totally understand that I should try and get a second opinion. How do I go about this? I am so weak minded and lacking in confidence that I wouldn't know how to say to my doctor can I see someone else, or get a second opinion, or a referral etc.

    Is the Fluoxetine and Prozac the same thing (just out of interest) ? I started on 20mg per day (a single tablet) This is what I was on back in 2006-7 time. After about 6 months of being on it this time, the doctor said to double my dosage to 40. But I can honestly say I don't notice any difference. The thing is, like I said, they could actually be making me worse and I wouldn't know it would I? Did you notice any benefits of being on 60Mg? I am worried they will soon turn round and just tell me to go up to 60 and so on. It's so frustrating. I know there is another anti-depressant called citalopram which people have mentioned to me before, but I am wary about changing over, because then what - I have to wait around another 6 months to a year seeing if anything changes, constantly being told by the doctors "Let the pills take effect and see what happens", just as I have been this time around. I can't afford to be waiting around, I just want someone to listen to me now, I wish there was someone who could come to the doctors with me so that I felt more in control, but nobody will.

    What happened when you had your break down - sorry for asking as I am not aware but how did you know you were having a break down? Did it all just get too much? It sounds like a horrible time you must have had. What did the psychiatric care involve? It's horrific to think that you had to go through this for someone to actually take you seriously. What are your signs that you mention you feel before a bad episode? With me it just feels constant. Unless friends are around (which is very very rarely, and like I said, I don't exactly have many now) I think when friends are about I tend to hide how I feel physically and maybe just put on an act. Which annoys me but that's because people have said to me in the past "No one wants to hear about how ill you feel or hear you moping and feeling sorry for yourself" so I kind of think I just go on auto pilot and ignore the fact of how I am feeling. Which is hard because I will still be feeling so ill and rough, and yet I am told this is all down to anxiety/depression. It just doesn't add up to me. I am wondering when anybody (outside of this forum of course) will take me seriously.

    You say you feel in your 30s, but with me I feel like I am in my 80s at times (not that I know what that would feel like of course, I am 27) but I just feel like an old ill, frail man with no friends and no energy, constantly wanting to sleep etc. I know what you mean about being on your own, no one can hurt you. But with me in my head I just constantly have thoughts whirring around - I can't relax. I swear my brain never switches off. I am constantly thinking and going over things, whether it's how rubbish I feel, how much I wish I could sleep (but I can't, I just can't sleep anymore) or how good things used to be. And I reckon it's draining me. When I am on my own I can never switch off. I actually feel like I am losing the plot/going mad, but people just laugh it off if I mention this to them.

    Good luck with your appeal for ATOS. I also forgot to mention in my initial post that being on Employment and Support allowance, I have been messed around by the jobcentre no end of times and this has all caused additional stress. I had my assessment in February this year - then got a letter in September saying as of 1st May 2012 I wasn't eligible for EMA/incapacity benefit as I also scored zero on the test. What makes me laugh is how you have to score FIFTEEN OR MORE! This is a complete joke. If people feeling how we do get zero, what state must you be in to score 15 or more? I sent my appeal in last month which was a fair few pages, but I have no doubt nothing will change. Ideally I'd like to be off the EMA and working part time, but with this lack of energy and complete fatigue, I don't know how that can happen. Everything takes so long with the jobcentre. I was actually spoken to someone on the phone when my money was suspended (due to that letter I received) who showed no concern and was completely and utterly rude to me and just said "You don't have a case. You either need to get a job or apply for JSA"

    Like you I feel humiliated by how they treat us. Like you say it is just a total battle and you never feel like winning it. I've been out of work for a year now and it scares the hell out of me - a, because of how quickly that has gone, and b, because on my stress control group course there were others who had been out of work for 10+ years due to how they felt. And it scares me to death. When a year can go as incredibly fast as this one has....I just want to feel better.

    I hope you have eaten and are feeling better and that your appeal case build has gone well. Just post when you are ready. Taking one day at a time is good advice. But when you feel like every day is flashing by before your eyes and is wasted, you just start to get more down :(

    Canary Fan x

  • Hi Canary Fan

    I'm sorry but this is going to be short & sweet. I had a bad day with the guy who is goining ti represent me at my trubunal. If you read yesterdays blog it will explain it all.

    Yes Prozac & Fluxotene are the same medication. Yes for a time I did cope on 60mg but every now & again the depression got deeper & harder to deal with. I was given tablets for the anxiety I was having.

    On my last mini breakdown which brings me to todays medication it was the Doctir hersekf who noticed how bad I was & asked me if I agreed to go back & see a Physciatrist & I saud yes. She rang & told them I needed to be seen straight away.

    On my assessment it was agreed that I came off the Fluxutene over a period of tome & ti then go onto Venlafaxine which is also known as Efexor. I started on a low dosage & continued to see Physciatrist & Community Physciatric Nurse on a weekly basis for a year. During the year & due to ongoing & frequent panic attacks I am on 375mg daily of Venlafaxine. Its has helped me fantastically until I felt ready to lower my dosage with the help of my Doctor but it is a very powerfull drug with horrendous withdrawal effects. So I have been told that I will always be on medication for the rest of my life.

    Now I am no Doctor but one I was on before & I feel would be good for you is called Mirtazipne (Zispen) it is great for helping you sleep. I wish I had stayed on it. The only downside is that it makes you gain weight & when I mentioned that to my Dr she said it was me who contolled what went into my mouth (true) but I have a very sweet tooth.

    One thing to bare in mind is that your GP is no expert on mental health, they will understan d & see the symptoms but the can only go to a certain level when prescribing anti depressants, if they feel you need help they cannot provide you with they will refer you to someone who can.

    I hope this helps.

    Hugs

    Jackie xx

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