I am normally a strong person who works hard and always tries to see the positive side of life. However lots of things have gone wrong in my life including being married to a violent man who nearly killed me, losing my dad to cancer and most recently living with an aggressive alcoholic who sadly died last year and left me in a great deal of debt.
I am a single mum to 3 teenagers and have a very demanding job as a teacher. I often work about 70 hours a week then do the housework etc. Recently though i was rushed to hospital with a mild stroke and they also found degenerative arthritis which means at the moment my left side is very weak and I am suffering from severe pain in my head, neck and shoulders. I have been signed off work for two weeks. However lately I have been feeling very low, weepy and just cant be bothered. This hasn't been helped by my teenage daughter who understandably is grieving over the loss of her dad. She tells me everyday that she hates me, wishes i was dead instead of her father and that I am useless.
I was with her dad for 15 years before deciding 2 years ago that I could no longer put up with his aggression, violent outbursts and drinking every night. I tried everything to make it work but nothing I did was any good and it was affecting our children. Now I feel guilty that he died and that he went into a downward spiral. I really believe that if I had died instead of him then maybe my daughter would be happy. I have always tried to please people all my life but they just end up walking all over me.
I love my kids dearly and I know I need to be strong for them. I have also met a really lovely man and we have been dating for 6 months. He is so kind and caring and treats me with respect. I am taking things slowly though because the kids need me so much and my job takes over my life too. I just wished I could afford to work part time or have a job that was 40 hours a week instead of 70 because I am just so exhausted all the time.
I realise that on the surface my life seems okay so why do I feel so useless and sad?