I have nothing to live for! :(

I’m 63, I live alone, never been married, had children. I was my mother’s carer for a (dreadful) period, resulting in a nervous breakdown about 20 years ago. I tried to rebuild my life, and largely succeeded, only for it all to go pear-shaped again in my 50’s when I was made redundant from a good job, and was unable to get another. I was in horrendous debt (okay partly my fault but there were reasons) stressed out of my brain, and was eventually signed off long-term with depression.

I’m now on a fairly low pension. The car is gone, can’t afford to run one. I therefore have no social cultural or intellectual life. I have very bad GAD, I also have COPD but can’t stop smoking cos I’m so stressed/depressed. I also have quite bad arthritis (I’m seeing my dr this week to ask for a referral to a physiotherapist).

My two sisters aren’t very supportive. They help a bit, but basically see my situation as my “fault” in some way – my impression, that is. For instance, they tell me about wonderful lunches they and my one brother in law have had in lovely country pubs, but never invite me. The most I’ve ever been offered is lunch at the garden centre 5 mins drive away. I would give my soul for a drive in the country, and – it’s not about money, I’d settle for a cheese and pickle sandwich in a pleasant country pub – but am not offered it. Even my “best friend” – who always says I’m her “best mate” – I hardly ever see her, and when I do, she just comes down to me for a coffee. The other month, she let it out that she and her (newish) husband had had “a few friends round for a BBQ” for the Jubilee weekend celebrations – but I wasn’t invited.

I watch TV morning noon and night. I can’t do the things I love, because of no money/transport. I planned to buy the social housing property I took over from my mother, but couldn’t when I was made redundant.

I have nothing to live for. I’m not suicidal – partly because I couldn’t do that to family/friends, partly because I don’t think I’ve got the energy. But I don’t know how I’m going to get through what’s left of my life. It’s more like a living death.

Don’t expect any answers. I’ve given up believing there are any.

15 Replies

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  • Hi

    First of a big welcome to the forum you have found a good place to come and speak with others who can relate to what you are going through so you are not alone on that one. I have GAD so know how debilitating that can be and very controlling I find that the more anxious I am the more depressed I get is this the same for you?

    The good news is there is answers and there are things you can do to make things better first of have a look through the resources on the Action On Depression web page they have some good information on there and links. If you feel able I would go and have a chat with your GP you have made the first step posting here so well done for that.

    I was in a really bad place a couple of years ago which ended up with me losing my job and I am still out of work now. What helped me was being referred to my local mental health team were I saw a psychiatrist and clinical phycologist. I was prescribed some medication which helped with the symptoms and have done a lot of different talking therapies such as CAT. CBT and Mindfulness. Light exercise can also help I try and go for a short walk every day which does improve my mood.

    Hope this helps in some way please do keep posting and let us know how you are getting on we are here to listen and support you.

  • Thanks for that but, at the risk of sounding "awkward" - I've been there,done that, got the T-shirt! I've had the counselling, the CBT, the medication. None of it changes the situation I'm in, and I often feel subtly - or not so subtly - "blamed" for it. Like the psychotherapist who told me I was "living the life I chose" when I was living the life of my nightmares. The GP who told me I was "in a negative thought spiral" when I'd lost my job and was doing the mind-numbing admin work of the kind I'd gone to university 30 years earlier to get away from, and my income had gone down like two-thirds. Like the GP who's known me 30 years and told me I'd always had my "comfort zone" within which i was able to operate - when I'd moved from one end of the country to the other to go to Uni, when i'd travelled all over the South East for work or pleasure, and gone to Israel at a month's notice! I'm tired of being seen as a useless neurotic wimp, when the people who think that couldn't live my life for a day!!! Ive had good counsellors, but that's time-limited - 8 sessions max - and that's your lot!

    All the things i wanted , planned for, worked for, have gone - a career, my own house, a car, a social life, some intellectual outlet - have gone or are denied me for lack of money/transport. Counselling, medication, CBT - you name it - are not going to change that!

    I see no future

    Sorry

    Rose

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  • Hi,

    I feel angry on your behalf when I read what you wrote in your blog and reply about how people have treated you! It sounds like you have always been treated as something or a doormat.

    You are right. No amount of counselling, medication, etc will change that.

    I find one of the most depressing things to find other people treating me badly and then feeling unable to assert myself sufficiently to stop that from happening. It lowers my self-esteem and makes me feel even more lonely.

    It sounds like you've never been able to really stand up for yourself. I wonder why that is?

    It sounds like your sisters are insensitive and their behaviour must be very hurtful for you. Have you told your sisters how you feel? You may think they know, they may or may not, either way they need to hear it from you. Perhaps they prefer not to think about how you feel because it's easier than feeling guilty about how they may be partly responsible for how you are feeling now. If you have told them then I wonder why they keep treating you the same way. It would seem quite sadistic if they do know and continue hurting you.

    You seem to avoid conflict. I'm wondering why conflict is so frightening for you, whether you feel it's in some way bad to be assertive and stand up for yourself! I know your sisters are your sisters and there will be feelings of attachment and family loyalty, but if they are making you so unhappy and if you don't feel able to tell them then maybe it is time to see a lot less of them and look for other ways of meeting your needs for companionship.

    Sorry if that sounds harsh, but nobody should be treated as a doormat.

    I imagine your sisters feel guilty because you were the one looking after your mother, perhaps they really feel they should have but wouldn't. Perhaps they also envy you for having so much more time with your mother, however irrational that may sound. Those feelings may not be about adulthood but may go back to a much earlier time from your childhood. Relationships in families are often intense and can lead to very destructive ways of behaving that continue on into adulthood - don't I know it. My sister has always envied me and subtly puts me down at every opportunity, although on the surface she's extremely caring and it might look as if I was the one rejecting her care. It's taken me a very long period of psychotherapy for me to understand that my feelings were a natural response to her attitude towards my birth and personality - she's compliant while I broke free from the family constraints - and that I am not responsible for that. I've discovered that although I love my sister because she is my sister, I don't like her and see her as little as possible because the way she relates to me leaves me feeling bad.

    I do hope you find a way to feel better. It's sad that all the professionals you've seen in the past have failed to understand your feelings from YOUR point of view and that they have failed to validate you rather than make you feel bad, but it's good to see that you did find some counsellors who understood you, even if it was for short a time. I wonder what help you hoped to get from them? Perhaps you hoped they could change things for you, for example to change the way your sisters behave towards you, or maybe you just hoped understanding would change things. I've found that being understood does change things but usually very slowly, over a long time. I am saddened that you could only get eight weeks counselling, you must have been disappointed and angry about that.

    I think it may help you to be part of a support group and wonder whether you may be able to find one near you, either one for people with long term mental health problems or else one that is focussed around a health problem you have? You could also ask about long term GROUP therapy as that may enable you to find the kind of understanding you found with the counsellors for a short while.

    I do hope you are able to find the help you need.

    Suexx

  • Oh Sue, I can't tell you what your reply meant to me - yes, yes, and yes again! Virtually everything you've said rings bells with me, including a lot of what you've said about my sisters! I will write more later (that's a promise, not a threat lol!) - just got up, had a bad night, but wanted to let you know how much it means for someone to REALLY understand! Bless you and thank you! xxxxx

    Rose xxx

  • Great, it's always nice when someone understands even just some of what we write. I'll look forward to reading when you feel up to writing again. Suexx

  • Listen to Van Morrison "Stranded" & tell me you dont wanna be stranded?

  • hi sorry to hear about your troubles. i think you would be entitled to a bus pass on mental health grounds. do you have a psychiatrist? i am also a carer for my sister who has parkinsons.i was thinking if you could get a bus pass then you could join some support groups usually through your gp or mental health team social worker/ support worker. sorry to hear about your family mine arent very good. ask them next time they go out could you go with them.hope you feel better soon

  • I feel for you recently through loneliness I joined a fellowship group local to preston and found them very supportive and also the many friends on this forum and others for when I am down stay positive

  • Thank you all so much for your support, i am feeling a bit better the last few days - bless you! Sorry about the delay in responding, but have been quite mentally tired lately :(

    Sue, you're absolutely right in virtually everything you've said - I'm the youngest off a large family, seen as "Mummy's favourite" - looking back, my sisters were horrendously jealous of me, and of course i was too young to understand why they didn't love/like me - I loved them! To be honest, I don't think they ever really got over that childhood jealousy, although we're in our 60/70s!!!!!!! And you're right about the conflict avoidance - i was brought up being told - you can't do that, you're too young, you're too small, you're too slow, you can't reach, you weren't born then!!! ETC ETC ETC However, I was useful in that i was "cast" as my mother's carer - let everyone else off the hook!

    I have seen a counsellor a few times, but it's in "blocks" of 8 sessions - it used to be only 6, so we are making progress! :( However, rightly or wrongly, I do also feel that something is changing deep down inside - it's not comfortable, in fact it can be bloody painful, but I think maybe it's something I have to go through to become the person i was supposed to be, not the person i was forced to become - well, it's only taken 63 years, better late than never lol!!! So, fingers crossed, I'm moving in the right direction.

    Thank you so much for your understanding and support.

    Love

    Rose xxx

    PS yes, I have a bus pass as a pensioner, but the buses around here aren't brilliant! :(

  • Hi BriarRose

    It's wonderful to see how Sue's amazing reply has turned you around. I hope that you'll blog again to let us know how things are going.

    I'd very much like to know how it goes with you and how you manage to change your mind about the thoughts that you have no future and no reason to live.

    Just like you I've never found an answer to those questions. People think they know it all, but they don't, and like your example quotes they say the wrong things and it just makes the thoughts worse.

    Like you, I've thought deeply about it and I can't see any point in living on either, and each day is just survival, the clock ticking, the heart beating. So if I can learn from your blog 'the secret' of what the point is, it will turn me around too.

    Best of luck. Sincerely. Best of luck.

    :)

  • Hi BriarRose

    It's wonderful to see how Sue's amazing reply has turned you around. I hope that you'll blog again to let us know how things are going.

    I'd very much like to know how it goes with you and how you manage to change your mind about the thoughts that you have no future and no reason to live.

    Just like you I've never found an answer to those questions. People think they know it all, but they don't, and like your example quotes they say the wrong things and it just makes the thoughts worse.

    Like you, I've thought deeply about it and I can't see any point in living on either, and each day is just survival, the clock ticking, the heart beating. So if I can learn from your blog 'the secret' of what the point is, it will turn me around too.

    Best of luck. Sincerely. Best of luck.

    :)

  • Hi,

    I've just read that things were helped a little by what I wrote - that's great! I still see a therapist every week and write to someone else when I'm feeling really depressed, and that's despite being 63 and a trained therapist. We all need help sometimes.

    Write again whenever you need to, I know I will.

    Suexx

  • I don't know if your still on this site but I so can relate to you. I am 50 and have nothing left and nothing to live for. I have three children who hate me....one has text me he thinks i should die. another leans the direction of who is standing in front of him...and my daughter...well...i don't know.....they treat me terrible....i do not want to live...i hate this world....i want to die....ive been reaching how to commit suicide....i cant get a gun...dont want to hang...what i really want is a cyanide pill. Lonely and no one loves me is living death....everyday i am in pain...cry all the time...

  • Nothing left I understand how you feel as am going through the same negativity just now! it is really worth chatting on here as folk listen you cant always get answers that you want but you will get a response! as far as suicide is concerned Forget it because if you screw up it will be you that suffers! and from what I have read on Cyanide it is slow and excruciating agony ! its better to talk and get what help you can from here or the Samaritans! I find just putting things down in black and white helps get it out of our system! I am physically disabled and suffer severe anxiety and depression also agoraphobia! so I really do understand where you are coming from I sit all day only ever speak to carers or my parrots ! sometimes feel so sad and lonely and want to end it all but my parrots who are so loving and the support I get here on the forum helps bring me out of it (that and Citalopram)!! Good luck and I hope thngs get better!

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