My life story

My name is sarah and im new! So i just wanted to introduce myself and tell you all why im here. Hopefully you guys can help me and i can help you!

My depression started when i was very young in between the age of 6-9. I know your thinking what does a little kid have to be depressed about, well i had M.E which left me feeling like an outcast socially and started to develop a low self esteem. At the time i had no idea i was depressed.. i was a child. Age 10 my M.E disappeared which was great, but the negative thoughts about myself continued.

Then age 12 my dad got cancer, It seemed so unfair..I hated the world i lived in. Watching him lose his hair and muscle slowly day by day destroyed me.Worst of all there was nothing i could do to help him.I started to self harm,i became very aggressive. I didnt talk to my parents about how i felt because i didnt want to upset them,but that only made things worse for me.

My mum and dad were always in london for my dads treatment so we had to make our own way home from school so i got the bus which was outside an Indian takeaway. Me and my friends were befriended by one of the employee's he was almost 30. He was particularly very nice to me, he gave me goldfish and made me a music tape of the top 20. And he use to write us letters, this went on for about 6 months then the letters ended up being just for me, i thought nothing of it being a young naive kid i thought he was just my friend! until one day he wrote me a letter telling me that he loved me and wrote what he would like to do to me sexually. I felt sick to my stomach by what i was reading i didnt even read it to the end and i ripped it up and throw it away. I didnt tell anyone because i was to embarrassed it made me feel dirty,but a week later on my way home from school, i came across him. He got in my face screaming how he loved me, i felt sick and scared! luckily some nice ladies came out of a near by shop and recused me. They got me a taxi home and i went home and had to tell my parents what had happened, it was so embarrassing. The police came, i gave a statement and he was given a written warning as there was no proper evidence, which once again seemed so unfair!

by age 13 i attempted to take my own life. Luckily my dad saw me crying when i was on my way to the toilet and i told him what id done. And i was rushed to hospital and i was then i was diagnosed with depression. Also at the time my sister was in a violent relationship another situation i had to just sit back and watch. Its hard to see the people you care about being hurt and there's nothing you can do to help them. I guess that's why i self harmed..it was one thing i was in control of!

Next age 15 i thought it would be fun to try ecstasy and it was fun, it made me feel care free. All my troubles about my looks and social anxieties would disappear when i took it, i felt great. Also i could finally openly talk about how my dads illness made me feel. But with the high came the low! I was taking ecstasy on the weekends regularly for about 6 months eventually i became severely depressed, id wake up in the mornings crying my eyes out before i even knew what the weather was like outside. I started to hear music that wasn't playing, it was scary. And i wondered if i would ever get better. Well i stopped doing ecstasy and i had to be taken out of school. The music did disappear and my depression did start to get better over time it took about 2 years. I had an amazing friend i could talk to called dave who had serve depression like me, he was the only person i could talk to about self harming,suicidal thoughts,and psychosis who understood and could give me advice.

Age 18 id self harmed pretty bad one week because of some bad people i was mixing with, i remember waiting for him to come round to speak to him... id never ask for him to come round, i dont know why i just found it hard going out of my way and asking for help. Sadly dave took his own life that week. A day later i found out another childhood friend id grown up with had died to. 2 deaths in one week, and one of them begin so important to my life. And helping me cope with this nasty mental illness. I didnt know what to do, i felt like going crazy so i decided to do what i always did when i couldn't cope and turned to drugs. Well bad idea again! That weekend i got set up round someones flat, they tormented me mentally for 3 days. They never touched me but they were insinuating they were going to kill me putting a rifle in my face, running rope through there hands. The only reason i stayed for 3 days was because i was to scared to leave in case it made them actually want to physically hurt me. Kind of like when your a kid and your in bed and you think theres a monster and you think if i stay really still and dont move it will go lol Well eventually got the guts to leave, and when i left all i could hear were there voices. For 2 days i was positive they were somewhere in my parents house...but it was all in my head. I really thought that was it, i was mental, i was going to be locked up and id never get my sanity back. That experience has haunted me for a long time... i still dont like going near the road or town where it happened. Once again this isnt something i tell people, i like people to think im strong, if people think your weak they will target you and walk all over you.

Well age 19, By this time i was living on my own in a flat in the town i had been set up in struggling everyday with paranoia and my depression. Id started seeing some bloke called jason id met on the internet, he lived in Cambridgeshire. The day before Christmas i got into a massive argument with my parents, i lived by myself but they still tried to control me well i thought i was big enough to look after myself and didnt need them to tell me what to do anymore. I told jason and he said come live with me...so as the stubborn nasty kid i was, and of course it meant getting away from this town and the bad people i said yes. As soon as i got there i knew id made a big mistake, id hurt my parents, i had no friends here. I was on my own. A few months later i became pregnant, i was happy about this.. i thought this is my fresh start. I will become a new person, no more drugs,no more partying,no more mixing with bad people. And me, jason and our new baby will live happily ever after. Wrong again, for some reason jason doubted weather the baby was his, although i didnt even no anyone where we lived. 5 months in i started to get chronic back pain. I started to put on alot of weight because i was stuck in the house all day, i started to hate myself more then i ever had. I became insecure and the more jason thought the baby wasnt his the more i questioned his Fidelity. Cut a long story short i decided to leave him when our daughter was 9 months old. And move back to the dreaded town i came from. It was a big decision which took me months to decide but it was for the best, In fact i felt revealed once i left him. and looking after a baby on my own wasnt as hard as i thought it was going to be, because once i left i realized he didnt actually help that much after all.

Now skipping a few years or ill be here all night and bore you all to death. Age 26, Now! Im still living alone with my daughter sophie now aged 5 almost 6. Im still currently suffering with serve depression, I dont take drugs anymore, i stopped self harming and i have a better understanding of depression. I still struggle to cope but i cope alot better then what i use to and have a few coping techniques i picked up along the way. Its not easy to forget everything thats happened. But i wont let it destroy my life i am a fighter and i will continue to fight! Today has been a very difficult day for me, im physically in alot of pain and mentally today its not one of my best days. So im hoping writing this all done will make me feel a bit better and i wanted to share some of my experiences with you lot. It would be great to hear from some of you, i feel very alone as i dont know anyone else who suffers with serve depression like me. Im sick of feeling abnormal. So if you fancy a chat, maybe want advice or can offer advice that would be great. Any way thanks for reading my essay lol take care all.

19 Replies

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  • Hi

    Good to meet you and thanks for sharing your story with us and I hope you feel that it has helped?. You are not alone we are here to listen and support you and can relate to what you have been through.

    I went down the same route as you with regards to drugs and for the same reasons of it made me forget how I was feeling but it has caused me long term problems especially with Paranoia.

    There is a lot that can be done to help with depression such as talking therapies and medication. As I have mentioned in other posts I have found mindfulness to be really helpful so would recommend that.

    It is important to stay in contact with your doctor and they will be able to offer good support and advice also look on the action on depression web page as lots of information on there and keep posting here it is always good to speak with others who understand what you are going through.

  • Hi getting by,

    Its nice to meet you as well & yes it felt good to get that off my chest in a place a feel people will understand. And its great to talk to other people with similar history. I don't have any friends who have depression and its difficult for me to socialize with them these days because they just dont understand. So this is great, i wish id found this site sooner!

    im sorry that you've had to go through similar things. Its a catch 22..how are you coping now with your depression and paranoia? if you don't mind me asking? I have tried mindfulness and it made my depression alot worse, i think it was the stress of talking to someone face to face about everything that upsets me. Also i do try to go to the doctors regularly but i have a terrible doctors surgery in the past 4 years ive seen the same doctor twice. I went last week and my doctor didnt even know what a repeat prescription was..ahh you have to laugh! or i may brake down lol and the other surgery's wont let me change over because i already have one! But i will keep battling with them to get moved! Thank you for the post much appreciated!

  • Hi Sarah,

    Your story brings a tear to my eyes, you have had far too much pain in your life for one so young, but you have been strong to have been able to overcome all your problems, your daughter Sophie (lovely name) is probably one of the best things to of happened to you, she will make you stronger still, you will never be lonely ever, I am sure you will give her the greatest love & attention thus lifting your own spirit.

  • Hi locktight

    thank you for the response and support, it means alot. And my daughter means the world to me. She is the reason i will never give up, as much as i want to some days. All i have to do is think of her. Shes an absolute angel, very funny always smiley. She never fails to brighten up my day :) But at the moment my health problems have recently worsened so shes not currently staying with me :( I have a bad back and neck. And also suffering with chronic fatigue although i haven't been officially diagnosed with it im positive that is whats wrong. So that makes me feel really low but im trying to keep my head up and just take each day as it comes, hate not being with my baby but for the time being its for the best for her..

  • Hi Sarah,

    Thanks for your note, good to hear from you.

    Sorry to hear you hav'nt got your babe with you at the moment!

    How's your aches & pains ? backache alone can make you feel so low, I know this personally it usually takes a while to go away & really hits the spirit hard, are you getting any treatment ? sometimes its muscular, yours sounds muscular ? dont let it get you down, it will go away.

    Today I traveled to Dulverton in Somerset with my son who is 20 & Rosie my black bitch labrador for a walk & pastie, really beautiful there but a bit hilly, fair wore my knees out, again !! but will sleep well tonight.

  • Hi again!

    I miss her alot but i see her almost every day, unless im really ill. And my aches and pains are at bay at the moment which is nice so i will enjoy this weekend with my little one. Im not getting any treatment at the moment. Im in the middle of trying to change doctors surgery as there terrible. Ah somerset is lovely! i remember going there as a child. Sounds like a good day out!

  • Hi Sarah,

    You have a pretty good arrangement, until you can manage your babe, I hope it wont be that long before you can be together at home. Did you have a good weekend together? where did you go? Good you are having a break from the pain.

    It sounds like your doctors are over worked or have too many patients, will it be easy to find another doctor? I am lucky to have a sympathetic doc but I dont need to bother him much but I could with my dodgy knees, hernia, thick ed ect !!

    I read that your not sleeping well & someone suggested a warm bath before sleep, well try adding 250g of Epsom salts & ten drops of lavender essential oils & soak in it for 20 minutes before going straight to bed. If your mind is over active try the theory that I use & say "THE" at irregular intervals, it changes your thought pattern, to give you sleep, it works for me. Hope that it has a good result with you.

    Where abouts in Somerset did you visit, can you remember? I live at Dunster, which is close to Minehead.

    Take care Jim

  • Hi again Jim, I shall definately give the "THE " exercise ago. I've never tried that before. I just don't seem to be able to shut down even when I'm shattered.I just lay there for hours then I get frustrated and end up getting up.And also ill try the bath salts and lavander. I do have lavander oils in my room as its meant to help but no such luck. Me and my little one Sophie we didn't go out just stayed in and spent time together. And now I've come down with tonsillitis, so back to bed again! Also Im not allowed to change doctors surgeries because I already have one so just waiting to hear back from the nhs how I get round this. I spoke to one doctor and he didn't know what a repeat prescription was,shocking! I hope you've had a good weekend Jim and hope all ur pains are at bay X

  • Hi Sarah,

    You poor thing coming down with tonsillitis, plenty of lemon & honey & look after yourself you will be able to beat that one quite easily! Glad you had good day with Sophie, try & make a special day out together often, something to look forward to.

    My black dog has been rearing its ugly face out recently, been using the "the" word quite often, I'm lucky it only brings gloom not pain.

    Good luck on sorting your doctors out, think they get paid too much!!

    I have a verse to send you when I find out how to transfer to this page.

    Take care, hear from you soon. x

  • Hi jim sorry to hear your not feeling to good. You stay strong and fight that black dog! i just wanted to say ive been trying ''the'' technique and its actually really helped mainly at bedtime. Ive gone to sleep at a normal time and woke up at a normal time 2 days in a row now! So thank you very much for telling me about that. And when you say transfer do you mean its writing from another website that you would like to copy on to here? If so What you do is you get your mouse and you hoover it over the start of the text you would like to copy. Then you hold down your left button on your mouse and drag it down to the end of the text so the writing is highlighted. Then you right click on the highlighted text and then go to copy. Then come back to this site and on the text box you write in you right click on it and go to paste. And that is how you copy and paste! hope this helps x

  • Hi Sarah,

    Hey thats good news that it works for you, just have to keep at it,sometimes it takes longer than other, it just takes all your other thoughts out of your mind, works to take the thoughts that latch on that you dont want to be thinking.

    You did'nt say but I hope your tonsillitis is curing?

    I have given some blood today, & just bought some Van Morrison LP's on ebay, bet you think I have no taste? lol

    Thanks for info will send you verse tomorrow.

    Take care x

    ps I keep the black dog on a short lead. lol

  • My tonsilitis is getting better now, I get it every year so the more i get it the quicker it takes me to recover lol. And i love van morrison..brown eyed girl is a classic! I love all types of music. I love my music, whenever im feeling down i turn my music on and drift away. What van morrison albums did you get? Well im off to the cinema in a bit to watch paranorman in 3D with my girl. Should be fun! Hope you have a great day jim x

  • Good, glad your recovering, good your treating yourself to day out hope ypu both have lots of fun!

    I have to play music always, could'nt be without it! I already had Veedon Fleece which is great, I now will have This is where I came in, Its all over baby blue, his band & the street choir, irish heartbeat, enlighten, poetic champions compose, saint dominics preview, blowin your mind & avalon sunset LP's

    Do you like Beethoven?

    I will now try putting on verse for you, we need to be sure we are balanced well in the joy area!! Speak to us of Joy & Sorrow

    Your joy is your sorrow unmasked

    And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears

    And how else can it be?

    The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

    Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potters oven?

    And is not the lute that soothes your spirit the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

    When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

    When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

    Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow”, and others say , “nay, sorrow is the greater”.

    But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

    Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

    Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

    Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

    When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise and fall

    Hope your day is GREAT take care x

  • Hi

    Yes it is good to have a place were you can come and not feel judged and understood that is important in making a recovery. I also suffer with chronic fatigue but have not been diagnosed but I am tired all the time.

    I found that the mindfulness did help me with my depression it took a while to get into and I am going to do an other course soon. I still have my good and bad days and it does not take much for me to feel depressed. The paranoia is a difficult thing ti live with and can get out of control I am a very paranoid person and I don't deal with it very well so would like to here how others deal with it?

  • My paranoia use to be really bad, but now its ok well its manageable most days. One of the main things you have to do is just keep on telling yourself its in my head, im the one thinking it, not them. Which i know isnt easy when theres one part of you thinking no they are and another side saying im just paranoid.

    I walk everywhere i go so always take my mobile with me that has music on it and i listen to my music to help me take my mind off it. And if it starts getting really bad ill just put my head down not look at anyone around me and just repeat the words of the music in my head. (also its really important the music is positive) so you could do that if you walk or in your car. Also i found while waiting for appointments once again listening to my music and playing a game on my phone helps. In social situations i cant really offer any advice because im still stuck on that one myself,as i said before i just try to tell myself, im thinking it. Not them theres nothing wrong with me. I hope some of this helps or gives you ideas for yourself to try.

  • Hi Sarah, I've come on the website for the first time today because sometimes I still feel the need for support but I have to be honest and say that I haven't read all that you wrote, just skimmed over it and picked up a few bits and pieces, that you had a difficult time, that your dad died, that you have a child that you love, because today I'm tired. But I admire the way you have intuitively developed coping strategies for self survival! I had an emotionally abusive childhood and other trauma but like you I found the ability to make use of whatever the world offered in order to move on from the past. Just continue to trust your own intuition - advice and information are useful but you are the only one who knows how you need to cope with the world at any time. The only thing that comes to mind for me right now is - as well as loving your child and giving her as good a life as you can - is there anything else you would really like to do one day? When I was more deeply depressed someone suggested I do a life plan: first take five sheets of paper and write on each one a thing you'd really like to be doing in ten years time (can be anything, just let your fantasies have free reign, what would you really like to do if you could!). For each goal write five things that you'd need to have done by five years time. Then for each of those write five things you will need to do within the five years in order to achieve them, then write a plan of what you need to do within the next 12 months. Now what do you need to do to start. Don't think about it first, just try it. I was just getting through each day and doing the lifeplan helped me to think about some goals for my life. If someone had asked me then I wouldn't have been able to say but just dreaming on paper helped, as if it wasn't real but I'd wished it could be, only then I found it COULD be. Good luck with your life. I'll perhaps read more thoroughly when I've got more to give.xx

  • Hi sarahuk26 - Sorry you're unwell. Now that I've read your life story I'm not suprised you are depressed! You have struggled so hard to overcome such a lot of really difficult experiences and come such a long way, although it probably doesn't feel like it. You had ME at an age when you needed to be able to be happily running around with other children. You were a young when your father had cancer and although he survived perhaps you felt anxiety about whether he was going to die. Then when you were feeling vulnerable your trust was abused by the 30 year old trying tried to turn you on sexually and you found out that your sister was being hurt too - it's hardly suprising you felt the world wasn't worth having any more! Although you turned to ecstasy to find enjoyment you did also manage to find a friend to share things with which suggests you are a strong person who manages to trust despite it all, but when the friend died maybe you felt it was in some way your fault even though it wasn't. Two friends dying so close together must have been a huge loss and reminded you that the world can be a horrible place. I wonder why you self-harmed, whether you closed off from so much pain but then needed to harm yourself in order to still feel alive? It is really sad to think of you having to cope with so much from such a young age. You've managed to turn your life around by loving your daughter so much, she's lucky to have a loving mum and will know you love her! You had the courage to move back to the town where you'd experienced so much pain so don't apologise for telling your story, it's very moving for me to read about someone with so much courage. I used to do exactly what you are doing, walk around plugged in to music all the time, constantly, music everywhere. I found it soothing as it kept at bay the kind of feelings you describe, a fear of breakdown and feelings of lifelessness. I don't know whether you will find it helpful to know, but I came to realise, with the help of a therapist, that the breakdown I feared had happened a long time ago ago, in childhood, and I had survived it. Knowing that helped me understand why I'd been so exhausted mentally and physically at such a young age; I was a child having to cope with feelings that were all too much to bear. If you are feeling really low then if you feel it would be helpful to have someone to talk to, you could ask your GP to refer you for counselling or psychotherapy. I'm still in therapy we despite having worked myself within mental health I still find it helps to know there is someone reliably there and just for me once a week. Give yourself and your daughter big hugs from me, and I hope you feel better soon.xx

  • hi there what a sad story you are very brave and have come out the other side stronger

  • Well done you!!! :)

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