Forcing myself to live normal for my kids...

[Jess41]

I'm 35. Have 3kids 15 year old girl, 12 year old boy and 7year old girl. I have been depressed for few years now since I found out my husband who was my teenage love had been cheating on me with a 45 year old woman for two years behind my back. He had found her online chatting and brought her to UK from a different country in Europe ! What kills me that not for a second I had fallen out of love with him in all the 14 years of our marriage until I found out 2 years ago and now I'm confused about my feelings . I feel fed up of life and waiting for the world to finish soon, but my weakness is my kids. my daughter who was 12 At that time got diagnosed with blood cancer and while I was at hospital with her,he was continuing his affair with this other woman and I feel stupid to not realize he was cheating even though he wasn't there for us at that stressful time and always gave me excuse of his work load ! I was strong then as I never knew about his dirty play and my love for him was keeping me strong to face any difficulties. He was always traveling for business reasons and for visiting his parents to another country and I was always living with his love inside me and look after his home and kids! My son who is 12 now was diagnosed with epilepsy when he was 4 and seeing my son with seizures without my husband around me as he was always traveling was not easy but I had kept my self strong as I had this misunderstanding that his love for me is enough even though he's not around. But now I can't stop thinking about what has happened in my life and what was I thinking at time, naive and stupid and now don't even have energy for my kids . He has finished with the other woman and says he is sorry but my heart sinks and I feel always scared when he travels again and when I tell him about my fears he supports less and blames me more for not trusting him. I admit he does try now with family life but the past never leaves me and his traveling never lets me heal from this pain . What should I do . I don't want to end relation as my son worships him and has epilepsy and also as I sometimes think that he must have changed for good. But all my memories from past and life occasions even good ones brings me sadness and don't let me move forward.

[MaisyMay2]

I'm sorry for what you have had to go through Jess! None of it sounds easy, but you sound as if you have been a strong, amazing mum to your children and thats something you should be proud of!

It's sad you had to do this without the support of your husband, while i appreciate you'll always have feelings for him as he is the father of your children, and how you are saying your son adores him, you cannot stay together for the sake of your children. It's just going to make you incredibly unhappy and constantly thinking of what he had done. It sounds like all trust is gone and i don't blame you!

In all honesty, i believe my parents are currently staying together for my sake. And it hurts seeing them unhappy all the time id actually rather them break up and be happy! Your son will still have a chance to see his dad- but please put yourself first for a change!

You should talk to someone more professional, they may be able to give you advise on your concerns and reassure you. But please keep in contact with us all, i hope you are okay, if you ever need to talk message me. Take care!

[Jess41 in reply to MaisyMay2]

Hi maisy, your reply brought tears in my eyes . Thank you so much for understanding me and for kind advice . I will look into looking for face to face therapist and I really wish u luck and happiness for your situation too. X

[MaisyMay2 in reply to Jess41]

There is no need to thank me, i just hate to see good people like you be put in such a hard situation. Face to face therapy will be good to talk it out! I wish you luck, thank you!x

[Jess41 in reply to MaisyMay2]

That's so kind of u maisy ! I will diffenitly try that . X

[Sclarkstone]

Hi jess41. What a rollercoaster you have been on, well did be you for getting this far and still functioning for your kids.

It sounds like your kids happiness is very important to you, your happiness should be considered too though.

Your son can continue to idolise his dad weather you are with him or not.

Ask yourself, can you forgive him? Can you be happy again with him?

[Jess41 in reply to Sclarkstone]

Hi sclarkstone, thank you so much for your reply and kind words. I have asked myself if I can forgive him and seems to me that I can forgive him and I think I have, but forgeting is so hard for me and trusting him again whenever he is away is proving to be so hard !

[Sclarkstone in reply to Jess41]

Forgetting and building up trust will take time. Forgiving him is a huge step that you have taken, the rest will come in time.

[Jess41 in reply to Sclarkstone]

Thanks Sclarkstone! I really appreciate and I'm encouraged by your words that I have taken a big step already,now I'm praying that time heals my heart too.

Bless you and may you all in this site find peace in your lives too. X

[spykey Ambassador]

Hi Jess

Welcome to our friendly, supportive & non-judgemental forum for depression.

Please feel free to post as & when you need to. We will do our best to support you as much as we are able!

Take Care. Warmest Wishes spykey🤗