Hi, I am in a rut and I feel like I might just give it up and get professional help. Although I never thought id be depressed or I'm not even sure if do have it, but It sure feels like something is wrong with me. I have so many issues with myself. To begin my most common problem is that I am constantly telling myself that I will get better, that i will try harder tomorrow but i usually don't. Im in college and it is hard for me because I procrastinate so much and sometimes i just catch myself doing literally nothing but I just somehow avoid doing my work even though i know its what i should be doing. When i actually do my work I sometimes get all anxious, it sure bothers me and i become impatient. I am often just really sad, I want to have a definite purpose to my life and I know what i want to do, I have a plan but i just don't have that drive in me. I am constantly unmotivated, I cringe at myself and at so many other things, I feel somewhat out of reality sometimes, I also binge doing bad things after i give up with myself. I am evasive if one part of my life is not right it just makes me not do anything, I don't even know what else to say but there are so many things and I just feel so confused about. There has been days that i forced myself to try and I feel great, my family and friends notice I am more uplifted, my energy is great and all but one bad thing happens to me and the whole world comes crashing down. This has been a cycle for so long and I just ready for it to stop. Ive been so down lately that I started to smoke pot and it takes me out of the depression, it numbs me from feeling bad. Really it is just a quick fix but everything feels alright when I'm high. I am not sure what else to say I am slightly narcissistic and a bit of OCD also. The one good thing about me is I don't give up on myself. Although I am down theres just a part of me that keeps me positive enough to carry myself even though I fail at it often. I've had some very productive days but i can be a perfectionist and I let it get to my head all to easily. All these problems fade away once I get going with myself it is just that I can't find that drive, I don't want to be lazy. I have big goals in my life that i intend to accomplish. I still feel pretty young, Im 20 and I need to start acting like my age. Please help. Thanks for reading.
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