What I am about to say is rather an experience and it is a lot to take in at one go but I desperately need your help and support.
Anyway, yesterday was a horrible day for myself, my family and my boyfriend. I went past my parents house to pick up something before heading to college, then realised my dad was in bed and I skipped college to look after the dog because he hasent been taking him out walks because he has been day drinking.
He has never been bothered with alcohol until this past year. At the beginning of the year he passed out / collapsed on the floor with sick everywhere and myself and mum phoned an ambulance (they were reluctant to pick us up and never arrived so we took him in the car and i had to clothe him etc and get him in the car.) he went home the same day he got to the hospital. No one bothered to ask why he was drinking or if he needs help from ANY doctor / therapist / counseller. Anyway, this has happened (without the collapsing) more that twice. in the summer he was drunk driving while his daughters were in the car (me and my sister), I could smell it off him but I had no idea what to do because he is my dad and he always comes off as being responsible. After those days I told mum and confronted him about how horrible it is and I got him to open up about it but not fully. Me and my mum have tried our best at getting him to open up but he avoids letting anyone in fully and both my parents (my whole family tbh) suppress their feelings and emotions so they don't have to discuss and solve the real problem.
So going back to what happened today... I stayed at my parents to take the dog out and me and my sister hung out around the house. I suspected dad was drunk even before yesterday when he took me and my boyfriend a run around the countryside, but no one seemed to say anything not even mum and i knew she had to know something. Then after lunch dad took me and my sister out in the car to the beach so i could take photos for college. It was so difficult to tell if he was sober or not but as soon as we got in the car it hit me, and i could smell the alcohol off him again. I knew that if i suddenly said something he would get mad and try and change the subject and say everything is 'fine'.And thats exactly what happened. halfway there, i asked him if he was sober and he just went 'what?! what the hell kelly!' etc trying to avoid my question and not answering it. I was so confused and had no idea what to do so we got to the beach and on the way back he swerved onto the road and wasnt looking ahead and i thought we were going to get killed but thank god we didnt. We got home and after a couple hours I said to my sister if she thought he was drunk and she said 'yeah' so we were discussing that and then mum came home and i just said that he was drunk driving and she found physical evidence of drink missing and got really upset and then dad was lying saying he was 'fine' etc. so i went through and just let out all my feelings and anger about how he could have killed us and its completely not okay to drink drive and he said he wouldnt do it again but he did and i dont believe him when he says he wont do it. me and mum were so upset (my sister was in her bedroom trying to avoid the situation and i completely dont blane her because it shouldnt be our responsibility). and i kept saying that he needs to open up and get help and i was telling him off for drink driving but he ignored it and didnt say anything and then he said 'no one cares' 'no one gives a shit' which hurt me and mum even more because we care so much for him and we always try and talk to him and make sure he is okay and how things are going etc. it was so hurtful for him to say something so untrue. then he said 'oh i'll just throw myself off a cliff'...
and thats where it completely broke. I didnt even know how I felt right then. I asked him is he meant that statement and we will help him and i had phone numbers to give him and i asked him why he felt this way but he just ignored me again. mum was still crying hysterically and so was i, and i said 'that is the worst thing for someone who genuinely has depression and anxiety, how dare you say that to me'. because he said he was fine and was joking or something and how the hell can anyone make fun of something like that? or use it in those terms in front of someone who is already suicidal? This argument went on for a bit and then I was speechless and confused and I had nothing more to say because he is so stubborn so I went up to my room but he kept trying to hug me saying 'im fine' and smiling but the hugs were forced on me and i felt extremely uncomfortable, i did hug him back but i hated it because he was still drunk and he wouldnt let go and he was stroking my head and it felt so condescending and uncomfortable and i have a right to remove myself from these situations. i went up to my room and he tried to follow me but i said i need to be alone over and over so eventually i got a room to myself and i was crying so hard and in hysterics and i screamed at the top of my voice because i was so hurt and angry and frustrated and confused all at once and i couldnt suppress my feelings. after a few mins i went into my sisters room and we talked about it calmly in there discussing what i said to him and what mum said and how he needs to get help and how he thinks he needs to be 'strong' the whole time and how our family avoid getting help from an outside party for this sort of thing. They just ignore it afterwards and pretend everything is fine once the heat dies down.
my day didnt even end their. mum drove me out back to me and my boyfriends flat. i couldnt cry anymore and i felt empty and lost but also full of emotions. i told my bf about what happened and he said he didnt know what to say. he made tea and i lay on the couch crying and he hugged me. then i asked him 'if theres anything you need to tell me just tell me nkw because i cant deal with any more hurt.' so he told me his ex had emailed him. i was shaking with anger and hurt so he showed me her email and i responed basically saying for her to leave him alone and to stop interfering with our relationship. I was still so upset and hurt and angry that i put a good few swear words in their and the things i said in that email i would never say to anyone but it had to be said in that moment because of how hurt i was and sick of her trying so desperately to contact him. she responded and then i said i was sorry for the way i worded the email that i had personal stuff going on and i had to let out my feelings. she said it was okay and kept putting smiley faces which was also condescending but i also felt bad for being so angry even though i have every right to be. my bf said he could never tell her to leave him alone even though she has interfered with our relationship and hurt me (and him in the past). and i asked him why he cant tell her to go away? why he just allows her to contact him? why he cares more about her feelings than mine? they skyped (i think it was only text) about a year ago or something while we are still together and i felt like i couldn't even be angrg at that? i was so hurt but my bf just couldnt explain why he talks to her apart from saying 'we're still friends and like to keep in touch' or something like that. Anyway when i was confronting him about why he cant let her go or tell her to leave us alone, he kept interrupting me (he ususally always does this in arguments). and i kept saying 'please let me speak' between crying hysterically and screaming. He just wouldnt listen and every time i said that he had done something to hurt me, like avoid or interrupt what i was saying, or how he doesnt care about my feelings he just stormed out so then i screamed louder becausee of how upset and frustrating i was and threw my jewellery hanger across the room as well as a box with my stuff in it. I was still screaming and i cant remember what happened then but he came through then we both walked out because he said something hurtful and horrible although i cant remember what it was so i walked towards the front door and he was so angry and punched the wall and i have never been so terrified in my life i thought he was going to come at me so i went into a sort of standing fetal position in the corner of the room and he began to say how sorry he was but i was still terrified and in shock and my breathing was going so fast. he kept saying sorry and he sat next to me and once i had caught my breathe i was speechless i said how horrible that was of him to scare me like that and i felt so confused like why do i deserve this etc. and then he started crying a bit, and i asked him if he could stop interrupting me and avoiding the situation because he always says 'i shouldnt have said anything' whenever he hurts me emotionally and i react emotionally, (which everyone has the right to do). i told him i felt like he was trapping me in the sense that he wont let me feel my emotions or react to what he has done or something which has hurt me. he kept saying 'no' under his breath and he just never listens and takes in anythjng i say he never learns and its a constant circle in these situTions. i try my best and it still never works. even if i ask him to try better it never works. i said 'punching the wall is hardly different from punching me' but he interrupted me sayng 'OH its alot different'. and i was trying to explain how the anger was being directed at me well it sure felt like it and i was terrified. Then he said something along the lines of 'I get mad in these situations because I don't know how to handle them' and he always insults himself when he hurts me to make me feel sorry for him or something. I keep saying that when one of us is hurt or we are arguing over something, it needs to be resolved. Everytime he says 'i shouldn't have said anything' it makes me think he is hiding or going to hide secrets which is the worst thing and makes my trust issues even worse. its like if he has done something which would clearly upset me he would rather keep it secret than tell me. he then said he wants to talk about things in a better way rather than me reacting pretty much.
We then went to bed and fell asleep, i still cried a couple times in the night but we just slept.
I'm sorry this post is so long and detailed and I probably have missed out something or could have explained/worded it better but I need help or opinions/ideas and just support because I don't have anywhere else to go right now. I don't feel like I have a home anymore.
Love and peace,