More in keeping with a confession

I guess I have grown too tired to try and pretend to myself and those around me. I can no longer write it off as having a bad week, a bad result, a silly error- or 'just hormones'. The truth of the matter is that I am unemployed and completely devoid of any motivation whatsoever. Upon leaving University and receiving a 2.1, I was too depressed to attend my own graduation ceremony. The worst part is that I managed to convince everybody in my support group that I did not consider it worth my time, or lie about the fact that I could not attend. I even managed to convince myself. I have lived the best part of my life in utter denial. Now I just feel silly for not noticing sooner.

I was the child in the back of the classroom that, who, upon being asked 'where do you see yourself in five years', could never muster an answer. Most assumed that it wasn't terribly important as I would surely 'go places', on account of being very good at standardised tests. That I did not like socialising was brushed over, because I was pretty damned good at pretending. However, I spent most of my childhood wishing I was a wild horse, or a wolf, or alone on a boat- or in any situation where I could imagine myself detached from the rest of the human race.

I walked 1,000 kilometers last year in order to try and escape the shadow of my own species, and it only drew people in, much in the way that cats are guaranteed to approach people who like them least. What I thought was a 'free spirit' and a propensity towards self-sabotage is suddenly looming very large. I am not any different today from last week, fundamentally nothing has changed beyond recognising that this is a much greater problem than I had given it credit. I did not want it to be a problem, because 'it' is all of me.

10 Replies

oldestnewest
  • I am struggling with my motivation just now and well have been for a while .. It is up n down .. Aaggghhhh

  • Isn't it horrible. I often find myself thinking about what I would do in an emergancy. One of the worst parts is that in daily life I can't make myself care, but in a panic situation I take action. I know I can, but I can't work out why I can't now?

  • Hi,

    You are quite clearly a highly intelligent individual, but I am unsure as to what you are confessing?

    Is your confession that you don't like people? It comes across that you see yourself as above others, is that a fair observation.

    Do you want help or advice? Do you wish to socialise or successfully isolate yourself?

    Lori

  • It would be nice to not want to isolate myself. As for feeling superior, it saddens me to think that that is how you perceived me, even when I am trying to be expressive and open.

    I guess I'm confessing all the lies I tell to feel accepted and avoid alienating myself.

  • I'm really sorry if I upset you. I think it was the way you compared people to cats that made me think this, but I could have misinterpreted your meaning.

    There isn't anything wrong with enjoying your own company. Heck, today I've had a couple of invites to go out and spend time with friends, but I'm just not up to it.

    I am, conversely, motivated by being liked. I enjoy making new friends, and am getting to socialise in my new job.

    But instead of doing the food shopping today, I am going to stay at home and allow myself to experience the lows.

    How would you want your life to be different?

    Lori

  • Hi, I have to say you need to talk to your doctor as to where you go from here!! You need to share all what you've said on here with him/her. It could be a case of you just need to talk to someone professional and may not need medication. You've done amazingly well to get through university feeling the way you do so you have great strength because a lot of people would have given up before getting to the end!! Some people just prefer there own company and just don't want to socialise and there's nothing wrong with that. As for knowing what you want to do not many people really know that early on in life, I think there's great pressure on young people to be expected to know that and that goes back generations. Although there are now more choices and better ones at that!! You know that no problem is unsolvable!! Your strength will get you through.keep talking on here when you need too, so many people are suffering and if just one person says the right thing that helps you to make things better for you then that's all for the good.

  • Thank you angep. That means a lot to hear it from a person, not just the logic in my head.

  • I totally get you

    Feel the same, I don't enjoy socialising, I rather be alone all the time - is that normal?

  • Probably not! I would like very much to not hate disappointing people though. Now the outside doesn't match the inside. I went to a wedding last week and then afterwards cried for hours. Boo.

  • Awww i get those days, mostly at work I just cry for absolutely no reason in the wash rooms

You may also like...