I guess I have grown too tired to try and pretend to myself and those around me. I can no longer write it off as having a bad week, a bad result, a silly error- or 'just hormones'. The truth of the matter is that I am unemployed and completely devoid of any motivation whatsoever. Upon leaving University and receiving a 2.1, I was too depressed to attend my own graduation ceremony. The worst part is that I managed to convince everybody in my support group that I did not consider it worth my time, or lie about the fact that I could not attend. I even managed to convince myself. I have lived the best part of my life in utter denial. Now I just feel silly for not noticing sooner.
I was the child in the back of the classroom that, who, upon being asked 'where do you see yourself in five years', could never muster an answer. Most assumed that it wasn't terribly important as I would surely 'go places', on account of being very good at standardised tests. That I did not like socialising was brushed over, because I was pretty damned good at pretending. However, I spent most of my childhood wishing I was a wild horse, or a wolf, or alone on a boat- or in any situation where I could imagine myself detached from the rest of the human race.
I walked 1,000 kilometers last year in order to try and escape the shadow of my own species, and it only drew people in, much in the way that cats are guaranteed to approach people who like them least. What I thought was a 'free spirit' and a propensity towards self-sabotage is suddenly looming very large. I am not any different today from last week, fundamentally nothing has changed beyond recognising that this is a much greater problem than I had given it credit. I did not want it to be a problem, because 'it' is all of me.