Feeling like i've lost who I am (new here)

[ella1988]

Hello,

New here

It's really difficult to write about how i'm feeling and put it all into perspective. Sometimes I'm not sure if sometimes I'm being over dramatic or if the feelings of feeling down, hopeless, not good enough etc are just feelings and maybe tomorrow I will feel better about certain things.

Basically 4 years ago (i was 23) I ended a 6 year relationship which was quite an emotional abusive relationship. I was engaged and hoped things would get better and really it did! I found the confidence to end that relationship and moved in with my best friend (who at the time was going through a similar thing but she was married and her husband had severe depression) we helped each other through the bad times, we lived a year having much needed wild fun and I can honestly say it was the best year of my life, looking back.

It was during this time I found my prince in shinning armour who I literally adore and love so much, my best friend and soul mate who took me into his arms and I moved into his flat and 4 months later we found out we were expecting our first child.

After having our daughter I was on maternity leave for 12 months and it really did affect me. I was fed up, we had no money and everyone tried to interfere and had "better ways to parent" going back to work I suffered separation anxiety and guilt and decided to see a councillor who at the time did mention about going to my GP to see if maybe i had postnatal (I never did) of course I didn't, I was "fine". My whole life changed as it does with a new baby and I wasn't mentally prepared for it. My life became my baby's life and I wouldn't want anything else for her she is my whole world.

This is when mine and my partners relationship started to change I resented him a lot, he always got to do what he liked without a second thought, football every week, pub whenever he could, working any day of the week, if he was offered overtime...it felt like we changed, our lives felt different...he didn't seem interested in me.

I mentally got better and into a good routine, we had money again doing things as a family and we supported each other and life felt good.

Until March this year (2016) I started noticing my partner wanting to go out more and smoking a lot more, he didn't really speak to me we argued because I was moaning a lot at him for things like how to help me more, being a better parent by helping me with our daughter. He was working constantly, being moody with me..I was really down about all this and to top it all off our daughter got really ill with the flu for about 2 weeks. It was then I found out he'd been talking to his boss at work intimately, I found out how it happened because he went to the pub and during this time our daughters temperature rose and she wasn't active or responsive, i phoned 111 and they advised me to take her to a&e. Which I did, I called my partner and he didn't seemed slightly bothered, I was so upset with him. once we got home (early hours of the morning), he was passed out on the sofa. I took this chance to look though his phone because I had this gut feeling and I was right and i saw call logs to her that very same night while i was at the hospital. After confronting him we split up up and he carried on talking to her while still trying to be my "best mate" kind of thing (its complicated) I had to be nice because of being our daughters father. Anyway all this nicely nice stuff played havoc with my brain because I still loved him (still do) and I just hated it all in the end that i decided that I cant be mates with him like this (this story has more parts to it).

2 weeks went by, my whole world was upside down I lost a stone I was crying every day and didn't sleep well at all. I didn't wanna go to work, or be a mum, i moved home with my mum and dad ... what a nightmare, my life was in pieces.

4 weeks went by and we talked and he panicked and decided that's it with this girl and wants me... yes we got back together. (my understanding of this fling it was just talking and nothing else, hard to believe for me some and i still don't know the full truth) I moved back into the flat and he promised to make a go of it again. But 2 weeks later he went out didn't come home, I found out he met up with her.

I only blame myself for what happened.. not being a good girlfriend, unattractive, lazy, unfashionable, unlovable, unkind, I really felt like I wanted to die and sometimes still do. It affects me now, i'm insecure anyway and pregnant again and feel worse at times.

I'm back with him I love him and sometimes think, why have i done this to myself? I always make the wrong choices and nothing good happens to me.

My partner has a new job now and a different boss, I've been promised he wouldn't do it again to me..but I found out he works in an office with a gorgeous receptionist so my fear of him doing again to me is haunting.

Everyday is challenging and has been since, i miss the old me living with my best friend and partying and forgetting silly things like this and being slim and getting dressed up, feeling good about who i was and what i was about. And now... i'm just a mummy trying to do the best i can for my children, but i don't know what i want anymore or how to feel good about me.

Sorry this is so long... today has been a difficult day. This is the first time i've publicly spoken out this because its really affecting me everyday.

Thank you for taking time to read this though.

[Hidden]

Hi I am sorry to hear this but I am not sure how we can help you. This is a site for those suffering from depression or other mental health disorders. This isn't a relationship site unless it is related to depression. Do you think you are suffering from depression? Have you seen your doctor about it?

[ella1988 in reply to Hidden]

Hello, I find your response rather rude. But thank you for taking the time to read part of my story and respond.

I wasn't asking for relationship advice. I was purely opening my mind, heart and soul for someone to help offer me advice to how I am feeling. This site is open to anyone who wants to use it, for the right reasons and guidance.

Thank you.

[Hidden in reply to ella1988]

This site is for those with mental health problems which is why it's called Action on Depression. If you think you have one then I am more than willing to help and support you. This is why I asked you whether you have seen your doctor about how you are feeling.

[ella1988 in reply to Hidden]

It is open for all people to use. Which is why I've seeked advice. Please re-read my story, I suffered a lot of heartache emotionally and mentally and continue to do so. There's a lot more to my story which I feel I cannot express. Please do not worry or waste your time trying to give advice to me now or especially to those who are more vulnerable than me and please don't state that this site isn't fit or right for them. Remember you only know half of what someone can explain wether or not someone's been diagnosed with depression or not. You are in no position to have a say about this. Everyone on this planet suffers and I believe many of us do suffer with depression but yet can't pin point that reason or find the courage to talk to a GP so like me look for other ways to express their mind and feelings.

Thank you.

[LoriMS61]

Hi Ella,

Well done for finding the courage to come and talk to us. I think we are all guilty of looking back at a time in our life with rose tinted glasses and wishing we could be back there.

I'd go back to uni where I had no responsibilities, all of my loved ones were still alive, my days were spent with friends and my husband and my biggest worry was about finishing the text I was reading without falling asleep.

We know we can't, but it's nice to remember. It's a sign of you wanting to escape your current situation. I'm really hoping that I can offer you some insight, but am worried that my words won't provide much comfort.

I suffer from insecurity, amongst other things, and recently read an article about affairs and how they come to happen. This psychologist posited that people stray when their needs aren't being met at home. This is not an excuse, trust me, I am merely sharing what I've read. I find it deplorable.

I feel like there is a conversation that needs to be had between you in order for you to move on. You need to find out why he is doing this, and you need to ask yourself if you trust him.

You have already had the strength to leave one negative and abusive relationship. I know you love him, but does he love you? And is he willing to put you first?

It sounds like he's getting it all. He gets to act like a single lad enjoying a social life, get attention from other women, and come home to a family. He is putting himself first, unlike you, who is putting family first.

You've had a huge knock to your confidence because of him. Your body has changed, and is changing from providing him with children. You need to be proud of that. I'd kill to be able to be pregnant. I'm too overweight to want to put a baby through the added risks.

If you want to, you can survive and thrive without him, but if you want to stay with him, I think you need to have a really honest conversation.

I'm here for you though.

Xxx

[ella1988 in reply to LoriMS61]

Thank you so much for that lovely reply. I do think its given me such a knock to my confidence and made me feel quite vulnerable. I do think I suffer with depression because of my relationship and my past experiences, but I am working on that everyday with myself and although I am not suffering badly I do believe they're so many levels of depression.

Today I've woken up feeling better after having a chat with my partner and although i know i feel better today, i know i'm going to need that reassurance again...its going to take time to rebuild me and who i am. I know that.

You're so right I am a lot of the time looking to escape from this new world and path of mine...its not always easy.

I think whats helped me too is talking about it/explaining it and having advice from someone like you who are willing to just talk and listen and give advice. I need this, I need people to help me put things into perspective and see it from a different view. My mind gets so cloudy that i'm not always thinking straight.

I am sorry to hear that you are'nt able to have a baby just yet, but it never means you wont be able to...its just not time yet for you but hopefully some day it will be.

You're lovely, I am here too. Thank you and thank you for making me smile today.

xxx

[JoC17]

Gosh it's like reading part of my own story from life. Stay strong. Keep trying to find ways to feel better and coping strategies. I seem to be able to offer good advice but can't seem to take advice . Good luck! Well done for being truthful to yourself and for speaking out xxxxx