It's really difficult to write about how i'm feeling and put it all into perspective. Sometimes I'm not sure if sometimes I'm being over dramatic or if the feelings of feeling down, hopeless, not good enough etc are just feelings and maybe tomorrow I will feel better about certain things.
Basically 4 years ago (i was 23) I ended a 6 year relationship which was quite an emotional abusive relationship. I was engaged and hoped things would get better and really it did! I found the confidence to end that relationship and moved in with my best friend (who at the time was going through a similar thing but she was married and her husband had severe depression) we helped each other through the bad times, we lived a year having much needed wild fun and I can honestly say it was the best year of my life, looking back.
It was during this time I found my prince in shinning armour who I literally adore and love so much, my best friend and soul mate who took me into his arms and I moved into his flat and 4 months later we found out we were expecting our first child.
After having our daughter I was on maternity leave for 12 months and it really did affect me. I was fed up, we had no money and everyone tried to interfere and had "better ways to parent" going back to work I suffered separation anxiety and guilt and decided to see a councillor who at the time did mention about going to my GP to see if maybe i had postnatal (I never did) of course I didn't, I was "fine". My whole life changed as it does with a new baby and I wasn't mentally prepared for it. My life became my baby's life and I wouldn't want anything else for her she is my whole world.
This is when mine and my partners relationship started to change I resented him a lot, he always got to do what he liked without a second thought, football every week, pub whenever he could, working any day of the week, if he was offered overtime...it felt like we changed, our lives felt different...he didn't seem interested in me.
I mentally got better and into a good routine, we had money again doing things as a family and we supported each other and life felt good.
Until March this year (2016) I started noticing my partner wanting to go out more and smoking a lot more, he didn't really speak to me we argued because I was moaning a lot at him for things like how to help me more, being a better parent by helping me with our daughter. He was working constantly, being moody with me..I was really down about all this and to top it all off our daughter got really ill with the flu for about 2 weeks. It was then I found out he'd been talking to his boss at work intimately, I found out how it happened because he went to the pub and during this time our daughters temperature rose and she wasn't active or responsive, i phoned 111 and they advised me to take her to a&e. Which I did, I called my partner and he didn't seemed slightly bothered, I was so upset with him. once we got home (early hours of the morning), he was passed out on the sofa. I took this chance to look though his phone because I had this gut feeling and I was right and i saw call logs to her that very same night while i was at the hospital. After confronting him we split up up and he carried on talking to her while still trying to be my "best mate" kind of thing (its complicated) I had to be nice because of being our daughters father. Anyway all this nicely nice stuff played havoc with my brain because I still loved him (still do) and I just hated it all in the end that i decided that I cant be mates with him like this (this story has more parts to it).
2 weeks went by, my whole world was upside down I lost a stone I was crying every day and didn't sleep well at all. I didn't wanna go to work, or be a mum, i moved home with my mum and dad ... what a nightmare, my life was in pieces.
4 weeks went by and we talked and he panicked and decided that's it with this girl and wants me... yes we got back together. (my understanding of this fling it was just talking and nothing else, hard to believe for me some and i still don't know the full truth) I moved back into the flat and he promised to make a go of it again. But 2 weeks later he went out didn't come home, I found out he met up with her.
I only blame myself for what happened.. not being a good girlfriend, unattractive, lazy, unfashionable, unlovable, unkind, I really felt like I wanted to die and sometimes still do. It affects me now, i'm insecure anyway and pregnant again and feel worse at times.
I'm back with him I love him and sometimes think, why have i done this to myself? I always make the wrong choices and nothing good happens to me.
My partner has a new job now and a different boss, I've been promised he wouldn't do it again to me..but I found out he works in an office with a gorgeous receptionist so my fear of him doing again to me is haunting.
Everyday is challenging and has been since, i miss the old me living with my best friend and partying and forgetting silly things like this and being slim and getting dressed up, feeling good about who i was and what i was about. And now... i'm just a mummy trying to do the best i can for my children, but i don't know what i want anymore or how to feel good about me.
Sorry this is so long... today has been a difficult day. This is the first time i've publicly spoken out this because its really affecting me everyday.
Thank you for taking time to read this though.