New here, need to express myself a little

Hello everyone, I've decided to write a bit about some problems I've been having for a little while as a means to express myself. I believe that if I put my feelings in writing here, then maybe I can begin to express myself better to people in reality. So I'm a uni student, just started 2nd year, and over the past year since starting uni things have taken a bit of a low turn in my head. I've always been a fairly guarded person, but never unsociable, or never questioned my feelings or sense of identity. Before uni I knew who I was and was quite happy with it. My initial months at uni were excellent. I enjoyed meeting new people and experiencing a more independent lifestyle, but after those initial months I started to think very negatively about myself, how people perceive me, and my place in other people's lives. I'm not really sure what exactly triggered this, but perhaps the change in setting has something to do with it. In terms of my relationships with others, I'm constantly second guessing myself and their opinion of me. This is leading me to close myself off from my friends. Also, it is preventing me from being emotionally available to them. In the past my sense of empathy has allowed me to connect with the people I'm close to quite well. I was perceptive of how they may be feeling, and willing to be there for them. However, as of late I'm too trapped within my own negative feelings to be there for other's. I'm sensing myself becoming apathetic towards other peoples' struggles, and that's not the kind of person I want to be. At the same time, I'm second guessing my relationship with friends, thinking that maybe they don't like me, or that I annoy them. Initially I thought these feelings were exclusively toward my uni friends, and not my old high school friends. However, these negative feelings have seeped their way into that aspect of my life as well. A good case study of these feelings happened very recently, I've been invited to a halloween party by someone I share a class with. Initially I was pleased, I wasn't expecting it, but soon after the absurd idea that somehow she had mistakenly invited me drilled its way into my thoughts and brought me down. I'm aware that this is a silly thing to think, and that in turn makes me question myself even more. Why am I thinking in this way?

I believe also that part of my diminished sense of identity, ability to express myself is to do with feeling that I don't have many 'close' relationships anymore. A great anxiety of mine at the moment is the lack of a relationship, a girlfriend. I've never been in a relationship before, and because of this I'm questioning whether I could possibly be interesting to anyone at all. When I develop feelings for people, a 'crush', I don't know how to process it, or act on it. There's simply a limit on my confidence in this aspect. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and don't like what I see, that i'm too fat. But over the last few years I've lost a lot of weight, and sometimes I'm pretty pleased with my reflection. It's very inconsistent.

There's probably a lot more I could say and have missed out, but if you've read this far down, thank you. I'm starting to identify that not everything is okay with my thought process at the moment, and that maybe I need a little guidance. Any comments or thoughts would be much appreciated

2 Replies

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  • Hello and welcome!

    I can totally relate to the feelings of second-guessing feelings and intuitions in social interactions. Honestly it's something I still struggle with.

    It's easy to say, that the rational part of our brains knows that there is no way to know what the other person is thinking or feeling "in the moment"... but I know just what's like to be in that moment, and how these thoughts can quite easily override all others.

    I guess ultimately, all I can say is, you're not alone. :) It's a journey of self-discovery. And you'll get there! I'll probably be able to elucidate a little more at some indeterminate point in the future.

    Hang in there - and don't be a stranger! There's plenty of good eggs to chat with here.

  • Dear MC105, the first thing I thought of after reading your post is what a difference there is between high school and college. That may be part of the problem. In high school, we are given info to stash in our memories to be regurgitated at test time. In college, the message, in my opinion, is that you need to begin to think for yourself, become a critical thinker, don't accept what everyone tells you at face value.

    These changes and others, including being in a more permissive environment, make us socialize in different ways.

    You may be questioning yourself now as you are questioning everything you accepted as "truth" before. Things are skewed, in other words.

    Talking to a student counselor may help redirect some of those negative feelings. I think it's something we all go through at that time in our lives.

    It is a journey, but all of life is that way. I have a few years on you. I'm 60. Still working on it.

    Keep in touch on the forum. You may find some helpful ideas and approaches. Take care, Nesie 237

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