I don't know what to do

All my life gas been a struggle starting from living in a domestic violence house hold, alcoholics, abusive farther who's mentally scared me for life. To being serverly bullied throughout school... followed home beaten up. No wonder why I hate my self. After that home life was more of a struggle... nearly loosing our home going through court. Back to court again because I was groped in the supermarket at the age of 12. And things always getting out of hand at home there on after.

I have always been an outcast. Always ha teddy the way I looked in the mirror. Too shy to talk to most people. You name it.

At my second year of college I really started struggling more so than ever. But this was mainly not getting on with mum (we could go 3 months not talking) and abandonment feelings. I started taking diet pills. Note... they don't do anything even with healthy diet and exercise. I'd start passing out in college and then the panic attacks came back. I nearly fainted on my tutor. And I started self harming again. Then I lost my grandad. The only man that news very abused me... gone. I had to go with my family to see him in his coffin... That's a picture thatshows haunting me everything I close my eyes. It took a lot of persuading for me to get help and when I finally went to my gp (he frightens me) he just said come back in 4 month when your 18.

Now I'm into my first month at uni. I just want to die... those feelings are back. I'm awake easily untill 4:30am, when I try to close my eyes, I see my grandad in his coffin. I have my 'daddy issues' playing havoc in my mind. And I don't fit in here at all. Everyday I have added a few more scars onto myself and I don't recognise my own reflection. I feel nothing but I feel every unhappy emotion going. I sit in my flat crying my eyes out. I've curled up in the corner of my room and not even been aware of what I'm doing to my self. I've even sat in my shower for hours crying and hurting myself. Even now I've done it. I don't want to be here I know I'm worthless I've been told it enough. I'm terrified to go to lectures or even speak to most people. I stay in my room if I don't have lectures and your lucky if I even remember to make my self a cupper most days. I can still feel the man's hand on me from when I was 12 and I'm fed up of the night mares. I purposely think of stuff that will make me sad. I've even started getting really emotional at stuff I see on fb .... which isn't like me.

I have no idea what to do. Is this normal. Am I overreacting. To everyone else I seem fine. To me I feel like I'm dying inside. What is wrong with me!?

4 Replies

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  • First of all, you need to change your username because as far as I have read, you are nowhere near a loser, you are a WINNER! Do you see how much you have been thru? And you're still here, you have survived, you are strong and stronger than a lot of people that couldn't handle any of that. You're a warrior. And from what I read, I can see that none of that had damaged your heart. I can tell you are still good person after it all. Do you know how much that says about you??? Take a moment and really think about the person YOU are, not the people around you, or the people that have hurt you. Use what you have been thru to YOUR advantage. Ever consider writing a book about it? You never know, it could become a movie or anything, but first, recognize what an inspiration you are, recognize your strengths, because my friend you have plenty. Learn to start loving YOU, and take it from there.. now I've shared with you what I see from only reading your story, I haven't even experienced you as a person, so you must be something! Have a good night love 😘

  • Winner101 ❤️️

  • That's Right. You're A Winner! Don't give up! Uni can be Hard ... I Had Friends Who Say it's hard.

  • What's wrong with you is the result of your awful and abusive childhood, and I am surprised that you are still standing as it would have completely crushed a lesser person.

    What you need to do now is to start repairing the damage caused and you can make a start on this by seeing the college counsellor if you have one, or seeing a doctor and asking for counselling. x

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